Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

CLEARLY, if it's him, me & her, his attention is on her every.time. when she's not in the picture, he is so attentive to me, it's amazing. So I wonder, when her bf is there, and it's the 3 of them does she have conversations with M that don't involve her bf? He's new, maybe he doesn't notice or care? Also, he's all over her in the kitchen, outside so even if she is talking with M he's wrapped around her. M & I don't need to do that in front of people, we do that in private, not in the kitchen while he s making coffee or outside whilst hanging the washing.

I'm so tired.

[Guest_1584]

Yeah l wonder , you'll have to observe for us next time. l've got a lot of sisters , no wonder gf's back in the day were often a bit weird around them , not to mention the sheer number .l mean it'd be fine if they were just close , great to have with a bro or sis but this thing is kinda overboard . Amazing how out of tune some people can be isn't it the way she;s just over the top of everyone . He could fix that by focusing on you more and putting you first in a gentle kinda way so as not to hurt her feelings but just a slight nudge - you'd probably thinking more like a bullbar haha.

Take care. rx

[CMF]

Thanks rx, you made me laugh. He is so different when she's not around. He shows his affection, spoils me, we chat openly. Wh e n she's there I get steamrolled and all his focus is on her, like I'm not there. She gets a mention every time we go out, sometimes several times. Where she met where she's going, what she's doing. I'm sure I don't get mentioned that much. I've brought it uo6so many times. I have no desire to be there when she is. My niece had a stillborn baby Wednesday , M didnt ask about it till his sis left last night. Up till then all the focus was on her and her stuff. I have to drop off my daughter there later. The kids are going to the drive in. Sis has and appt but as soon as she returns she'll take over. I don't want to be there.

[CMF]

Well I didn't have to go there today. He s offered to pick me up tomorrow.so I'm thinking maybe he's realising. He must notice I pipe up when his sis leaves. I He wish he'd notice how when he turns to tell me something, or is telling me something, she interrupts and he goes straight to listening to her. I've used the example of what he'd do do if his students interrupted him, he just laughed but it's the same principal. Why can he tell her?

[CMF]

Had a wonderful day. Met friends at our regular coffee shop and spent the morning chatting. M booked a beautiful lunch and as we had time to spare we dropped into his place quickly. As he grabbed a few things I sat with his sis. Here's the thing. I enjoy sitting and chatting with her. I enjoy her company but I get so frustrated when it's me and both of them. I have to point this out cos I mAKe her sound like a dragon and she isn't . She is kind, generous and supportive of her brother and viceversa. Wonderful qualities. After lunch M brought up the beach house and I mentioned not being sure if we'd go. He said was shocked. I told him I'd like to contribute to the cost as they have been so considerate and booked to accommodate us and the time I have off. He said no way, it makes him so happy to be away with his kids, us, his mum and sis -his family. It brings him I so much joy. We then had some alone time as our kids went out together. My neck and shoulder pain has eased, my mind is clearer. I am very blessed and loved. Thank you for letting m e vent, and I will again I'm sure, but thank you for being supportive, non judgemental friends.

Cmf x

[smallwolf]

hi. good to hear that you were able to have some fun - feels good doesn't it!

I was going to end there...

and please do not think too hard on what I am about to say as it is not really worth it...

and it's not that bad really...

I was listening to a podcast today which covered a variety of topics and one of the things mentioned was about brothers and sisters and families. M's sister has been there for the full journey incl the divorce etc and some sort of special bond exists there and behaviours. And those behaviours cannot be changed easily. It is something that frequently pops up in my psychologist sessions but more relating to myself.

On venting - better out than in. I know the cost of internalising the turmoil and pain. And I hope we are supportive as we each have our own stories. And sometimes I might feel a fraud with my emotional wellbeing and I will remind myself (from now on) that at the time my pain was real and now my desire to feel worthy is also real etc. I do not know what it is like to be you unless I walked in your shoes.

Anways, sounds like you are having a fun time so make the most of it.

Tim

[Guest_1584]

Yeah l've always thought that with the sis and no worries cm she never gave the dragon thing , more a very talkative and along lines of what Tims said but basically good natured toward you . He just needs to kinda guide her a little when your about. lncredible that your kids all go out together and get along so well whata blessing.

Glad you had a nice wkend. rx

[CMF]

M needed to go into work today to get things done so we went out for a lovely brunch. It was lovely until I realised most of the time we spent together revolved around his sis. AGAIN. Hr told me where she was goung and what she was doing today. We took her courtesy car cos the owner of the cafe we went to wanted to drive it,hence the reason we went to that cafe. M and the owner chatted about the car. AGAIN I had to hear about it. Then she had to send him a pic of a bottle of alcahol they are now drinking cos she found it in a new shop she went to and of course he had to reply about it. So again 'our' time was all about her.

Love it.

[CMF]

Am I over reacting? I feel a little received. M said nothing to me about why we were taking her car today. He knows I'm sick of the whole car businedd. He sent me a message with the lunch booking. I thought he booked cos we had to but as soon as we sat down the owner came out and grabbed the car key, so it was planned. All happening right in front of me, I didn't know anything, and all so he could do this thing for his sis who went out and did her own thing. MY Sunday with M was determined by what she needed done. It didn't affect what we were going to do, which was have a quick brunch, but the fact involved around her annoys me. It felt sneaky to me. Why didn't he just tell me and do I bother saying anything? I feel like a puppet, like I'm being taken for granted again. His interest today wasn't on me, it was on taking the car to this guy. MY Sunday's are about him,but his involve his sis. Same crap, different week.

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

you ARE NOT over reacting. Really think about what is going on here.

tess