Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

you need to really think what it is you need from a relationship. You deserve better and you are not unreasonable in your expectations.

Is his sister the eldest? As she behaves that way.

I know that M is a good and kind man, but you are not coming off well in my opinion. I would be frustrated. One date a week.

I don’t think that his relationship with her is likely to change.

I could be wrong, but I think you need to look after yourself a bit better in this

tess

[CMF]

Hi Tess,

No, she is 11 years younger. She is generous and king too, We went over for fish and chips. M was exhausted after a 200km bike ride. His sis came home and was as always lovely. We had dinner, chatted and then she sat inside to watch tv, leaving m and i alone outside. He is always so affectionate. I made a joke about being in the bad books but there was no need to discuss the rest. I may bring it up when we go our for lunch Sunday. I just want to know that he can see it from my side,which I'm sure he will. i have a good way to explain it using a teacher/student example and i will ask how he'd feel if he were trying to talk to one of his students and the student's friend walked in and just interrupted, causing the student to lose interest in what the teacher is saying. I can ask him how, as a teacher , he would deal with that.

Anyway, on another note, it looks like little miss' dad has moved into his own place. i have asked if he can look after little miss Monday and he has suggested she can sleep at his place Sunday as it will save him coming up and back both days. I don't know how to feel. I am a little anxious but at the same time if she gets used to staying there it gives me some freedom. M and i may actually be able to have a sleepover too! I am anxious and excited and scared and happy all at the same time. His place is across own so ti is not easy to come up and back if she wants to come home. I guess we have to try. She has never slept away from me. Maybe 2020 will see positive changes. Maybe she will spend more time with her dad and i will have more time with M?

[CMF]

forgot to mention, M went to have a shower so is sis and i sat and watched tv and chatted. I enjoy one on one time with her, we get along well. At least i know it's not a personality clash,there are just times i need some alone time with M

[CMF]

Hi all and happy New Year,

Wow, lots has happened and all positive. M and i had the most beautiful day out on Sunday. A lovely winery, great food, atmosphere and exceptional service. They felt out main meal took too long to come our so gave us free side dishes and didn't charge for the wine. We chatted so much, finally some alone time. I told him all that had been going on with me, work, home, us. Told how i had been feeling and why. It was the best. That night little miss slept at her dad's for the first time. I rang to check in and when she knew it was me she started crying to come home but they went for a walk and she settled. i was a little anxious but we got through.She was happy when she came home Monday night and i told her how proud i was of her. My work colleague continues to be a selfish, lazy person and it has been upsetting me alot, but i'll decide what to do. NYE was spent at M's with our families and a couple offo friends. Nice and chilled. Today has been a big day of cleaning and housework. All windows and doors open, washing, vacuuming, dusting, everything. I am on annual leave now for a couple of weeks and Sunday we all head off to the beach for a few days. It was a dilemma for me however i have learnt that M's mum booked it and wanted a family break, he told her that i would be coming with my girts as we are family. WOW, he really wants us there so i know longer feel like i am intruding. I did check it was ok for us to come and he said yes, he told his mum straight away and she was fine with it. we get along really well. The whole thing wasn't communicated properly but it's ok. I'm starting to learn more about m and how he works/thinks and i told him i hope he works me out one day haha.

Here's hoping 2020 is a great year.

CMF x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm.

man so pleased for ya. l thought m would be ok , even better, sometimes we just don't see things we're doing or situations , is all, need a reminder and nudge here and there haha. you guys will find your middle ground and be all just hunky dory , very cool.

lifes such a bloody work in progress isn't it eh.

rx

[CMF]

Tomorrow we go on our little beach holiday with M and his family. My anxiety is building. Can I handle 4 days of us all in together? I'm anticipating I'll go to bed earlier than him and it'll be him and his sis hanging out. I'm not taking car so can't go anywhere. Haven't spoken to him today as his sis had friends over so he s busy with them. She invited us to drop in for swim a mind pizza but it wasn't hot so we didn't go. I've noticed when he's busy with other people I feel I don't exist whether it be his.did or a friend he hasn't seen for a awhile or relatives. I just fade into the background. I'm anxious about the trip. If I'm not enjoying I'll be stuck there. I like my quiet time at night. His sis will be there all the time, plus our kids and his mum
I don't know what to do.

[CMF]

Our little holiday was great. All of us under one roof and we survived! Today I have anxiety. A work colleague has applied for a new job and they need a receptionists. She suggested me but It is too far for me despite M and his sis telling me it isn't. I don't have a mother or family close by to help pick up little miss, don't think he gets it, he s always had someone. Today we drove past it and had lunch nearby. It is too far. I'm so down about going back to work with my unprofessional colleague. I can't stand her Anymore. After lunch we chilled at his place. His sis and son went out so we watched tv, I dozed off. When they got home she took over again, they put on loud music from records he just got, so I left. M asked if I was ok, told him no, that once again when we have quiet time it gets taken over. What if we were watching a movie we really liked? He didn't get it at all., couldn't see why I was upset. Msgd him later, said I had anxiety and loud music too much and I had to get out. I know he loves me and i him but I know he'll never 'get me'. I'm home alone, little miss sleeping at her dad's...and I'm home alone.

[CMF]

Also, while at lunch she had to msg him to tell him she couldn't get a key cut cos the shop ran out of keys. Seriously? Give us break. It's our day out. Who gives crap about the key. No need to message him.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm , at least the holiday sounds nice.

But God she is a relentless one isn't she. l wonder if m spoke to her. But alas nope , l don't think he will ever get it in those ways. the fact he even asked, when most would've cringed at that beautiful time even just hearing her pull in, shows compete no comprehendea .

Extra sociable types to non types are a bit like morning people to non morning people , one just can not for the life of them get the other.

[CMF]

Hi rx,

'Extra sociable types to non types are a bit like morning people to non morning people , one just can not for the life of them get the other'

Spot on, i needed to hear this. I'm mainly annoyed when I am anxious otherwise I'm usually carefree. He is so generous and loving, so is she. I know he is genuine and means no harm. I guess when I can't deal I'll just go home and hope he understand me the way I understand him. I've realised the issue is How I feel at the time ie stressed/anxious, it affects my reactions. I wonder how he'd cope if he picked me up and we hung out at mine? I think he'd struggle haha, too quiet,but a good way to e explain it perhaps!