Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

M and i went out for a beautiful lunch today then back to his house as they were expecting guests. There was so much 'we' in his sister's conversation. i was ok but really noticed it. It is just like a married couple. i know how much he loves me, i can feel and see it. we bumped into a fiend of his in the supermarket and she asked if he had done all his xmas shopping.When he said no she asked if it's cos i had done it all. It made me feel like, yes, maybe WE should be shopping together not him and his sis. Him and his sis doing the big xmas shop is a thing they have done for a long time. His ex wife never wanted to go, plus it gave him an opportunity to buy her her gift. anyway, the WE stuff can get a bit annoying. As I've mentioned, she organises the household like a mother/wife, organising the boys, planning holidays etc. On the other hand, m has been so wonderful with my kids, especially little miss. i am working xmas eve and he has offered to pick up the girls and take them to his house but i told him it's ok, i finish at 3pm and he will be busy and doesn't need lit miss under his feet. he said he doesn't mind having her 'under his feet'.

How beautiful is he.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I like the way you are concentrating on the many good things about m and how considerate he is. Also you realise what a good relationship you have,

I know when you blend families as mature adults there will be customs and behaviours that to outsiders may seem different,

The live you have for each other and the willingness to help and be there for each other

must feel you with confidence for the future.

take care

merry Christmas

quirky

[CMF]

Been a challenging and frustrating week at work. Hardly spoke with M and had guests last night. Tonight we had Xmas eve dinner and although he spoilt me with his gift I felt like crying most of the night. We hardly spoke when we arrived, he didn't ask much about my days at work although he knew what was going on. I was exhausted as I'd been unw well last night, he didn't ask. I was clearly not right, he didn't ask but I sat outside with sis by having a drink. Little Miss wanted to sit with me at dinner which I did thinking M might sit next to m e but he sat down at other end, his sis on one side s mind her by on other. Even goodmorning if I wanted to sit next to him I couldn't. I felt so detached and upset. We hardly spoke as he was busy with them. They called a relative overseas and again his sis was going on about them going there and M going. I know he will go, I just hope I hear it directly from him and not in conversations around me like I usually do. It might he a deal breaker if they book it and he doesn't tell me as I'll feel so insignificant. I don't know if I can handle the beach trip with them. What's wrong with me?

[CMF]

I said I may pop around Christmas evening after my family lunch but I heard his sis say she and him will probably be sitting by the pool do I don't want to go now. I don't want to be the 3rd wheel. I'll have little miss but she is a child
I should be fe feeling closer in the relationship but I'm feeling more distant. I know how much he loves me but I'm hurting.

[CMF]

If I tell him not going over he won't bat an eyelid cos he s having fun with his sis. He d didn't even notice or comment how quiet I was last night, on the verge of tears all thru dinner. His sis noticed I didn't eat much, when I said I'd been unwell he didn't care or notice.

[CMF]

Told M I'd stay home. He later called and 1st thing he he told me was that the parasol we bought sis for her sun lounge was on. I held back tears. I don't care about her chair. He asked if I was ok/tired. Told him tired, headache, anxiety. Told him didn't want to talk about it but said He s concerned, that it's his job to care and can he help. How do I tell him how I felt Xmas eve? How do I say that I hope 1 day, when we're all together, he'll choose to sit next to me, not his sis. Any way, quick chat then he went to jump in the pool. Don't know if I can go away with them. I think they'll give me anxiety.

[quirkywords]

CMF

i Am sorry you have had a long night and a disappointing day.
Christmas does produce anxiety and I think your mind is working over time.

you are tired and had high expectations fir you and m .

I hope in the next few days you get to have time with m and relax.
I wish you a merry Christmas.
Quirky

[CMF]

Thx Quirky,

They are extremely hospitable in every way but It was so different to last year. Last year was so exciting, guess cos our relationship was new and hadn't been living there long. Last NYE we were going to sleep there, I mentioned it for this year he said 'oh, ok' She's more involved, I'm less to the point I don't want to be around them together as she's a part of everything we talk about. I have no private time to talk unless we go out. I even invite myself there for coffee.No point saying anything as it won't change, just like my work colleague who does more personal stuff than work. She will never change. M tells me to say domethimg to her. I have. Just as I've said something to him. My whole life is situations that won't change unless someone goes. No wonder I'm miserable and anxious, I'm copping it work and home. Just hating life at the moment.

[CMF]

Don't know if I can do it. I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel lonely while he s doing stuff and having fun with his sis and her bf. When he's studying next 4 years hell3be eben busier , less time for me but she'll be there, chatting, cooking, looking after the boys, planning their trip overseas. What am i gonna be? 5 hours on a Sunday?

[CMF]

Gets better. M bought me a gorgeous bangle for Xmas with charms on it. It's too small but apparently I can exchange for larger size
Went to do that to be told it is Xmas collection and can only exchange if they have some left. Told M, said he'd exchange it, don't he understood what i was saying. Fitrst shop had none but another centre had 2. I race across , gone. Told me it was part of Xmas special and bangle was free
Lots of exchanged as they are small . Have to hope someone ex hanged a bigger one. Wanted to put me on a wait list but I said no as so upset. Drove home in tears. I coukd see how small it was as soon as i opened it, could he and sis see it was small whrn they shppped for it? M texted if I was you g over for coffee later. Told him don't know, going home to bed. He said 'ok. I don't want to go to see him and his sis hanging by the pool enjoying themselves.