Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I'm being cheeky here but I wonder what M would say if I told him;


I wanted to be living together by end of next year?

I wanted more commitment by...

I wanted our 'date' day to be uninterrupted (unless urgent)

He just told me his son's atar and Informed me "we are all happy". WE...the 'happy family'.

If/ when we do move in together I wonder if she will still be a mother figure? Although the plan is when high school/uni is finished so they'll be adults/moved out and we'll be old and grey. Gees, could be 10 years away. I won't be continuing like this for 10 years. Told him that.

[quirkywords]

CMF

I know yiu were bring cheeky . I see there is s fine line between demanding a deadline ,and being assertive. You have been patient and M is worth waiting for.

Congratulations on your son and daughter’s results. you must be pleased.

This is great M will help you collecting Miss when you were running late.

Quirky

[CMF]

Hey Quirky,

yes, i was being very cheeky hehehe.He is worth the wait, it's been 30 years, what's a few more hey? I would never make demands like that, we both have our children to consider. On another positive note, guess who dropped in tonight? M and his son! I am so happy. His son is going for his licence tomorrow so he was doing some driving. M is very conscious of the fact we haven't spoken much this week as it has been busy all round so they dropped in for a cuppa. I told M it was a nice surprise and i hadn't been feeling the love this week - lol-. He said he knew, he could feel it.

If i continue with the negative, picky talk i am more than happy for anyone to pull me up and remind me i have so much to be grateful for and to stop looking for negatives. I do not know why i am doing it, what is triggering me? I am glad i am conscious of it and i do need to vent at times but i have more positives than negatives so need to re focus. I still think i may be a little jealous of their close relationship when i should be embracing the beautiful, supportive people i have in my life now.

What a great way to end a good day.

cmf x

[CMF]

i forgot to mention, M took his class to Lego World and a movie this week. He said that we need to take little miss there on the holidays, she will love it. How lucky and blessed am i to have a man who wants to do something that my little girl will love. His teenage sons will love it too haha.

I have anxiety lately, just lingering all the time. I usually say i have it for this or that but i thin i just have to admit i have general anxiety at the moment. Could be hormonal as i am always hot and getting hot flashes again, could be coffee, could be i am just ready for a break. One more week of work and i am on the home stretch. I hope next week is a good week. i have been very annoyed with a colleague who must make everything a drama instead of just giving a simple answer to a question. It aggravates me and ruins the day for my other college and i as we try to figure out what is going on, all cos she won't answer a simple question. Very frustrating.

My other colleague told me today to trust the universe, manifest and know that my angels are watching over me. such a beautiful thing to tell me. i am grateful for her words.

cmf x

[CMF]

I didn't let anything bug m today. Went to M's and as always warmly greeted by his sis. I have a feeling he may have mentioned something about how i was feeling. We sat and chatted and she told me we need to help her next year to keep M motivated with his study. She thinks he will slack off. We chatted about when we finish up work and our time off, she pointed out our trip away and i could tell that we are included in the plans without a doubt. She mentioned the big shop next weekend and again i could tell i am clearly included. She brought up the overseas trip next year, telling m they have to go, he is uncertain but she pointed out it may be the last time they see one of their uncles. It didn't bother me so much this time. M and i went out for lunch then to a friend's for their daughter's bday. As we were leaving his sis was calling as she needed help pick up some furniture she bought on ebay for her clinic. His son was meant to go with her but he was having dinner at his aunt and uncle so she needed m to help. Again, it didn't really bother me as i needed to come home anyway. It did occur to me that there was no consideration of him being with me but it didn't bother me like it would have a week or so ago. It needed to be done. M has told me we can use his pool Wednesday if we want as it will be really hot. She said pool party and bbq sounds good for all of us. One thing that i felt weird about is that he wants to get rid of the front fence and she wants a new one. M originally did to but very costly. He mentioned he is trying to convince her not to have one. This was awkward for me as it reinforces that it is 'their' house and that 'happy family' feeling came up a bit. The more they do together with the house the harder i find it. She can probably afford it, he can't and i don't want him to be pushed into spending money he doesn't want to spend, but it is her house too. It's the same with the o/s trip, he may not be able to afford it but she is pushing it. Overall things didn't bother me and i am glad i handled it better but is do still see things that could be annoying. I know that she just consider me part of the family but i wold like some it to be a bit more of m and i and not M and her or m, her and i but i can;t change that. They are very close and always will be. We don't have alot of alone time i value our alone time, I guess i want others to respect it also. I do feel she may always come first, not sure yet.

[CMF]

I have a feeling the 'improvements' they are making are sort of initiated by his sis. That's fine but it makes it seem like she is there for the long term. Again , when/where do i fit in. I know she now own half the house to help him financially but she is really having a big influence. I think maybe i would be a 'silent' partner, after all it was his home. I'm not upset, just thinking. She did mention a few things today she was not happy with re her bf. I really do not see then lasting or see any future. 11 years of the same thing, it ain't gonna change. If that doesn't change, he current living arrangement won't change as i keep saying, she is becoming more settled,why would here be any idea of upsetting that?

[CMF]

had a crap morning. I work with some selfish, self centred people who's behaviour can be so hurtful. My son had a great morning, accepted into hus uni course but a crap afternoon when he was treated like crap at work.

Life sh@#s me.

[quirkywords]

Cmf

well done to your son for getting into uni.

I am glad M’s sister and you had a chat and she explained how you are included in events coming up. That must have reassured you

How much of a break do you get over Christmas?

quirky

[CMF]

Hi Quirky

I have 2 weeks from NYE. This arvo my girls and I hung out at Ma's house with his sis and son. We seem in the pool and then I had dinner. It was nice. I don't think we are doing the big shop on Sunday They said they don't really need to and M mentioned it is our date day. I don't mind either way. I'm feeling better about tge situation.

[CMF]

I wish I didn't exist