Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[quirkywords]

CMF

i am so glad you had a long chat to mind so he now knows why you feel like you do.

He sounds like a. Very considerate person.

Quirkty

[blondguy]

Hey CMF

Im sorry I havent been on your thread for long time.....Its been a very difficult year. Can I ask if your anxiety is having a detrimental effect on your day to day well being? I see that you have mentioned having 'anxiety' recently...do you mean anxiety attacks?

I know that I wont go near a shopping center with anyone if I feel uncomfortable doing so...thats just my take on a small part of what you mentioned above

Excuse I for the questions CMF...just trying to understand 🙂

my kindest always

Paul

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

well done for talking to him and it sounds like you were really open with him. That shows tremendous courage and commitment to your own well being. I am sure he will reflect carefully on what you have said.

tess

[CMF]

Hey Paul, sorry to hear things have been so tough. I'm glad to see you here,we've known each other a while now. Ive6had mild anxiety, not attacks, but I am feeling better. Had a chat to my partner about a few things bugging me and started magnesium again. I am feeling better.

Tess, I am glad I was able to talk to M, he was surprised. I doubt much will change but at least he knows and if I need to mention it again it won't be a cadr6of holding

[CMF]

Sorry...won't be a case of holding on to it so long.

[CMF]

No one in my life really needs me. Everyone has someone else to turn to, except me. If no one needs me why am I even here?

[Tess2]

Dear CMF, don’t hang every thing onto your relationship with M. Your children need you , so much and always will you arevtheir anchor for life.

i understand wanting a partner in life I really do, but that isn’t the b all and end all.

You are needed and loved. Please don’t be so hard on yourself.

Tess

[CMF]

Hey Tess,

Actually I wasn't just referring to M. I was referring to my kids. Seems nothing I do is good enough for my older daughter, yet her dad is so great, even though he doesn't attend anything or doesn't see her when he i s too 'busy ie interstate seeing his gf,

Amazing

[CMF]

Patched things up with my daughter, all good. Had a nice weekend with M. dinner at a friend's house Saturday night, no kids, just us adults. Today M's boys are away and his sis was out so when i popped over it was just us. he had a friend over whom i haven't seen for months so it was nice to see her and her little girl. M and i then went out to do a few things and later relaxed in front of the tv. i I washed some dishes and helped hangout/bring in the washing. There was no one in the background, just us two. i didn't stay too late as i sort of wanted to be gone before hi sis got home. I didn't want to ruin the nice feeling of just the two of us. They are getting a real xmas tree this year. i think his sis wants it as last year they had a little tree they pulled out of the attic. It is getting delivered tonight an they will decorate it i guess. They have it marked on their calendar for the big shopping trip in 2 Sunday's time. They did say they'd do it on a Sunday so I could go . Guess I'll need to decide if i want to go or not...that is if they ask me to now. Maybe after what i told m about how i was feeling they may not ask. Who knows.

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm , hope things are panning out.

l just wanted to say that my ex had a lot of issues with my sisters too, one in particular , so your not alone. lt was nothing like m's sitch she wasn't over all the time but mainly if she was just around if we went somewhere or whatever. We always got a long very well but l also always knew she was a sneaky piece of work too , and even seemly to get along very well really , that meant nothing, and l always knew it. Well ex knew she was a piece work she spotted it early on , not that l'm saying m's sis is , this was just our sitch.. Things never did quite smooth out with those two . They appeared on the surface to get along and l'm sure my sis thought she had her fooled but ex was way too smart for that but just kept the peace. l think m should realize she's a bit too much l spotted troubles with mine in those ways even in my teens, but at the same time given the help she's been over the years, l know it's a very tricky one too.

Just a side note to Paul too , hi mate. But hell yeah , anxiety can attack alright , mine still does all the time. But much less than years ago, or maybe l've just got my cover more down pat these days . never sure which. lt's caused me the biggest deals of my life unfortunately but these days l can predict it and either fight it off or have the cover ready, most of the time.

All the best anyway. rx