Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Oh thank you Birdy. Your words are exactly what i needed to hear. I'm so upset. Drove to work wanting to cry or yell cos of the frustration. I need to find out if she was always like this ie when he was married. I feel she should sort out and work on her own relationship but it's all about M and his boys. I'm sure M is quite capable. I love that he's easy going as am I but not to the point whete6we just do what others have planned without consulting each other. I'd never do that. I'm just do upset

[CMF]

I'm so frustrated and confused. Was chatting to M on my way home from work about why i was upset as he couldn't wait till Sunday. It went nowhere and then he had to go to pick up his son's bike before the shop closed. Little miss is at a school disco tonight. M asked if i had to stay, told him no, no parents permitted. Thought he may have asked me to go over but he didn't. When we hung yup he said 'enjoy the disco'. I guess he is having diner with his sis and son while I'm at home alone. He just doesn't see it. We spoke about his older son and the melt down. I suggested maybe they are too hard on him (his sis in particular) and he said they are no harder than any other mum or dad wold be. I pointed she is not his mum and he said yes but she is a mother figure cos his mum never sees him. I don't think much of his ex wife but unfortunately i have to admit, she must feel so pushed out of the boys' lives cos his sis is there playing mum.. She has moved in and taken over. M questioned why his son does not want to go home, as did i and i said maybe his sis is too hard on him but m plus he is embarrassed. I am seeing it as an outsider, he just doesn't see it and cant neither of them can relate to how his son feel as they are both motivated and 'doers'. his son feels like a loser, a failure, to which i can totally relate. M said ti is hard to talk to someone with whom you cannot relate and i agree. He said his mum probably is the best person to talk to cos she is the same. i pointed out that you need to handle different kids differently. He needs more understanding, not being pushed. He is going to look at getting counselling or his son but i just keep seeing his sis saying he is an idiot (not to his face) and i cant get this out of my head. I just see her moving in, taking over everything - Holidays, kids etc. I know he is very easy going but i don't want it to be to the point where he is just a pushover to her. She should be sorting out her own life. She is in a comfy family situation that i do not see changing. she should be with her own boyfriend of 11 years, not playing happy families with her brother. he just doesn't see it and i feel angry and frustrated. I'm so angry that he does not see it and don't even want to be here anymore.

[Birdy77]

Dear CMF,

How are you feeling this morning?

I hope you were able to get some sleep.

To me it sounds like you need to sit down and have a face to face conversation, whuch is probably what you wanted for Sunday, but he didn't want to wait.

It sounds like you're not really feeling heard (even down to "enjoy the disco" when you said you weren't staying ...). There is so much frustration here for you, and if you say it all face to face he may be able to understand a bit better.

You have described about explaining things from an outsider's perspective. I don't think at this stage of your relationship that you should be providing an outsider's perspective, it should feel like an insider'sperspective at this stage - you are his partner, planning a future together, long term, not just a casual fling, or as she jokes, the booty call.

You are in a serious relationship, and it seems wrong to me that it's not you and him deciding things together most of the time. It feels wrong to me that you're on the periphery and even little things like Friday night, he's at home having dinner with her while you're at home alone.

I know you've said you're not ready to move in together for various reasons, but some things clearly need to change because it is coasting along comfortably for him, but increasingly frustrating and lonely for you.

I hope you are able to find some calm today - run a bath tonight maybe? And that you can sort through some of this with him really soon.

Be good to yourself today.

🌻birdy

[Tess2]

Hi,

Birdy has said it and I agree. I know you love him and appreciate him and can tell yourself she means well and helps him, but they have no doubt been relating like this for a long time, whether she was living there or not. Will they change now?

Think carefully before you accept what you are not comfortable with. It will be much harder to speak up or for him to accept if you hold onto it and speak up another year or more from now.

take care of yourself

tess

[CMF]

Hi Birdy and Tess,

Thank you again for your support. I hardly slept last night and couldn't stop crying this morning. Had a headache all day but many things aligned for me. I have been having hot flushes all week and suspect i have been hormonal and not quite thinking straight, blowing things out of proportion and over reacting, as well as thinking of scenarios that are not even correct. Today little miss and i went shopping, i needed a few xmas things and they all appeared in front of me easily - bingo. Tonight little miss is out with her dad so m suggested we go our for dinner. He picked me up and we had a lovely dinner in a cosy local restaurant. I asked about his son, who was still at his mum's, but i decided not to bring up anything else as he has enough on his plate and i didn't want to dampen the evening, plus i was happy just to be with him.We then went back to his place to chill. His sister had taken his other son out for dinner and a movie, perhaps conveniently, as she has done this before so we could have alone time. As m and i were chatting there was a knock at the door, it was his older son and hos friend. OMG, i was so happy to see him. He came in and hugged his dad, it was so beautiful. He then apologised and told his dad the reason he hasn't been wanting to come home is not because of him, it is because of M's sis. He feels bad for upsetting her so much when he had the melt down as she was crying and telling him to calm down. It was in that moment that i realised how much they love her and value her. she has always been a big part of lives and i feel so awful for the feelings i have been having,toward her. m told him it is ok, just say sorry(as hard as it can be) and she will understand. I also told him we all lose our sh@# at times and told him my door is always open also. He thanked me for the offer of dinner the other night and i told him i just wanted to be sure he had somewhere to eat and he could come over anytime he wants or needs. I decided to come home at that stage as i wanted m to have some time with his son and if his sis and other son came home they could sit and chat, i didn't feel i should be there for that. I feel so relieved eh showed up and i feel so upset with myself for the feelings i had which i blew out of proportion. i haven't felt good all week, hormones, anxiety and i took it out on others. M is so innocent in all this, i always feel the love he has for me. how could i think such awful things?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi CMF & a wave to all,

Your latest post made me smile so hard. I’m relieved for all of you that things seem to be working out 🙂

At the core, I think you’re kind, caring & loving, & clearly M, his sons and his sister all see that.

I’m glad she tried to give you and M some alone time by taking his son out for dinner/movie. It must have been nice to be able to just spend some quality time, just with him. Precious moments...

I get that sometimes, she does things in a way that seems strange or unfamiliar to you....or even (unintentionally) hurtful at times. But I think she means well; I think it’s maybe just the execution of her good intentions that isn’t always ideal...

As I said, I think you’re a beautiful person with so much to offer, and I get that hormones may have played a role in your recent feelings toward M’s sister.

But, I can’t help but wonder if maybe there’s something more going on. To be fair, I have only skim read parts of this thread. So I may have missed something, in which case, you can just pretend that I haven’t spoken 😉

What I wanted to say was sometimes I find that when I have a strong reaction to something that I’m not just reacting to what is currently happening...but it’s that the current situation reminds me of some of my past hurts, insecurities, pains, etc. So the strong reaction is sometimes a combination of both past pains and current upsets meshed into one big ball of pain/difficult feelings...

For example, I wonder if maybe some of your recent strong feelings was at least, in part, because it triggered old feelings of being (for example) left out with exes, not prioritised, etc. Please don’t misunderstand me....I’m absolutely not trying to invalidate or dismiss your recent feelings (those are of course real & valid), but I’m wondering if maybe there’s “more to the story” (so to speak).

I know, for me at least, when I have a very strong emotional response to something that I’m often not only responding to the present (but it’s that the present has reminded me of past hurts)...perhaps something to think about (if you wish)?

That’s my helpful (or unhelpful) contribution. I’m glad things have calmed down and that you’re all communicating with each other...

I wish you a peaceful Sunday 🙂

[CMF]

Hi Pepper,

Wow, your post made me smile too as you are spot on. I do believe.i have triggered. I always felt, and still feel, left out at times - work, friends, family. In past relationships I have had to fight for the 'no 1 spot". I have had meddling families. Sometimes I still think of my first relationship with M, when it was going downhill... I do have a habit of making myself feel excluded, not good enough, on the outer on social situations. I've told M, he finds it hard to believe. I have been so 'meant in my mind and I don't like myself for it. She has been nothin g but generous and loving toward me. Yes, I do see it may he the 'execution, but they are used to it and love her so much. There is nothing she wouldn't do for her family, I'm not used to that too. M adores me and I know it, I feel it. I am part of such a beautiful family. I slept better last night, no hot flushes, mind is clearer. Hopefully the ill feelings will go away, if not i wil need to sort them.

Cmf x

[Peppermintbach]

Hi CMF & all,

I’m glad things have settled a bit for you 🙂 I think it’s incredible what a good night’s of sleep can do: fresh perspective and all.

I think, as you’ve touched on a little already, this is an adjustment period for everyone. So I think initial hiccups, triggers, tears & even some (healthy) conflict, unpleasant & painful as it might all feel, is inevitable to a degree...everyone is learning, after all...

Just a (slightly odd) thought, but I wonder if maybe if you started thinking of M’s sister as a potential friend, that some of your difficult feelings might subside over time. Sure, 100% yes, you might still need to have those important conversations that birdy & Tess wisely mentioned...

But I suppose what I’m getting at is rather than viewing her as someone who is a “competitor” or “rival” of sorts, that maybe you could think of her as a potential future friend and ally. In the past, I have always put in considerable effort to make sure that I developed friendships with my now exes’ sisters & close female friends. It made my own life a lot easier & my whole perspective changed when I adopted that mentality...

I get that, yes, you might still need to have certain conversations with M about your feelings/discontent at some point. But based on what you’re saying, even if M were to put you as no.1 in most/all situations, his sister will still probably occupy a sizeable chunk of his heart because she means that much to him...so you may as well all get along (so to speak)...

I mean, just imagine, a future scenario where you would not only have a beautiful relationship with and partner in M, but also a friend and ally in M’s sister.

Wouldn’t that be wonderful?

Just my (slightly odd) thoughts at least.

Happy Sunday 😉

[CMF]

Dear Pepper and anyone reading,

Funny thing is, before i started having these feelings i did see her as a friend. She really has done nothing bad toward me. They have an 11 year age gap and have always been very close. She has given me things, helped me out, bought me expensive xmas and bday gifts. I really do not know what triggered me to have these ill feelings, i actually feel ashamed about it. She has done nothing but support her brother and his kids during a very difficult time and help them keep their home and get back on their feet. I saw something for him for xmas so i sent her a pic for her opinion, did the same last year. Last night ended on such a good note i was determined to go in with a different mind set today. M had to attend something at work this morning so when i got to his house he wasn't home but his sis and sons were there having breakfast. Everyone was happy, broken fences were mended, we all kissed and hugged, chatted happily, His sis and i talked bout our respective diets,she gave me some protein shakes, i gave her some bread mix. We chatted about xmas and she mentioned that this year they need to take me on their annual shopping trip to a large shopping centre. Every year they go to one of the big centres and do a mad xmas shop, everything one night, it's a ritual. She mentioned i have to come this year and they will do it on a Sunday when little miss is with her dad. I thought that was such a nice gesture. In fact, the holiday house was booked to accommodate all of us too, and she probably knew i was on leave at that time. i was probably just automatically included, and here i am making a big fuss and being negative. M was in such a good mood today, we went for a drive to pick up some outdoor furniture they bought and we had lunch and coffee by the beach. I brought up the shopping trip, he agreed i need to come this year. I told him i'd had an awful week, i was tired, hot flushes, angry with everyone, upset about what happened and he said he knows. I told him i feel so much better today and we had a beautiful day saying that hopefully what happened with his son has opened doors for the boys and their mum to reconnect which we are happy about. I suggested we all make an effort to mention his ex by her proper name and not nicknames, and try and move on. She has been very civil toward m in her messages, keeping him informed that their son was there and vice versa. Maybe it all had to happen so the reconnection could happen?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi CMF & a wave to all,

There you go, you and M’s sister are pretty much already friends then. I think that’s great!

I think it’s beautiful that M’s son might be reconnecting with their mum. I also find it very classy of you to suggest that you call her by name 🙂

I think, as we discussed a little earlier, sometimes things happening in the present can remind us of our past pains & hurts. So we end up feeling that meshed ball of pain/difficult feelings/triggers...

I feel the important part is you now have newfound insight and clarity into the whole situation, and I get a sense that you’re ready to move forward. I would gently suggest to try not to give yourself a hard time about your recent feelings. I feel we all sometimes have strong emotions...happens to all of us...gentle and easy does it...

I feel what matters now is what happens next...and you can make it an absolutely gorgeous future with M and both your families. Blended families can be very special 😉