Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

Thanks Quirky

Had a lovely day with M today and he received some good news he was waiting on re work, however I'm unsettled again. His sis has posted so something on FB re them going overseas to their dad's town next year. Again , I haven't been told but it's now on a social media.

Guess it's time to ask what's happening 😔

[CMF]

So I asked today about the trip. He said he'd like to go and take his boys but not sure if it's an option as he is studying next year and his son will be in yr 11
Told him what I've heard and saw on FB and explained how it made me feel. He totally understood and said he would feel exactly the same. He told me that his sis is the one pushing it but he is not sure if it is an option for him. Told me that she is the one who told their friend but nothing is set. He asked if I'd be ok with it if he did go for a few weeks as he really wants his sons to see their grandfathers home town. Of course I'd love them to go. He apologised and understood how it made me feel out of the loop and assured me if he was making plans I'd be first to know. So his sis is planning and telling people but doesn't seem to consider that it's not as easy for him. Little bit annoying in my eyes.

[CMF]

Had a day out with M today. Over lunch the topic of is sis and her bf came up and he mentioned that her bf got back from a holiday Thursday and still hasn't come to see her. She went out with her friend Friday night and him with his on Saturday. I pointed out that she could also have gone to see him and didn't and that since she moved in with M she doesn't stay at her bf's anymore. We both agreed that it is a strange relationship. They don't do anything together, he stays over one night a week and the rest of the week they do their own thing. He doesn't attend any family functions. They've been together 11 years and according to m it has always been like that. I mentioned that i look t us and our future and feel we will never really 'be together'. He sort of laughed and said we will be and told me his vision, which i loved. I explained that looking from the outside, they are the 'family'. Dad, 'mum', 2 kids. they run the household and look after his boys together and if her and her bf don't eventually get married i see no reason why the living arrangement would ever change. He started to think about this and i think he saw my point. He thinks they will break up in time as she wants marriage and kids and i don't think he is the type for that. From an outside point of view the arrangement is convenient for her and her bf. She has the family/household situation and the bf comes over once or twice a week, no one locked in. He said he probably should have a chat to her about her situation as neither of us can see it going anywhere or changing. So what does that mean? Told him at times i feel like an outsider. I understand why things are the way they are, why she lives here, how has made a big sacrifice to help him and his boys etc but how long will it go on for i wonder? He too started to think about it and sees where i am coming from and said it is an unusual situation. She is almost 40. If she wants marriage and kids, and if it doesn't happen with this guy, when will it happen and where does that leave everything? they play happy family and i pop over as i do and spend a 'Sunday with M?

I feel a little anxious now.

[CMF]

I'm sad and a little anxious. Wednesday my son and M's son are doing VCE English exam .M's son has not studied all year and is not prepared. He worked tonight and was told not to come to my house after work. Well he did. We spoke about his exam, his future, his regrets etc and he mentioned he didn't want to go home cos he was roasted all week especially from M's sis. When he did leave i rang M to smooth it over. Told him his son needed an outlet and mentioned the roasting. As we spoke I could hear is sis saying 'he's an idiot. Told M that needs to stop. I love his sis but feel she is too dominant in their family. Again feel she takes over, also when I'm on the phone with him she is there. Again, 3 of us in this relationship. M mentioned his mum and sis booked a holiday house for us all in January. So generous and lovely, but again I just find out later. Why am I struggling with this? I should be grateful but again it's his sis organising things and I just have to fit in. I'm really upset. Am I over reacting?

[Birdy77]

Dear CMF,

I dontknow if this will help you feel better or worse, but i don't think you are over reacting at all.

I understand that M's sister has taken on a dominant, motherly role with M's kids. But her saying M's son is an idiot, and getting cranky because he came to your place to vent is really not on. It is disrespectful to the role you play in M's son's life, in my opinion.

I love that he wanted to come and talk to you, and open up about what is going on at home re the Roasting etc. That shows how much he trusts and respects you.

As for her being in the background while you're talking to M, that also is not on - you and he are partners, and should be able to have a partner-type convo without her piping up.

The holiday house is very generous and lovely, but it leaves you feeling on the outer, like you're the invitee, when really, it should be more and more that you and M are the "core" and should have been consulted together?

I can totally understand your frustrations, but don't get me wrong, i also can hear how much you like and appreciate the family, sister included.

It's a tricky situation, but i think you've started your way into dealing with it with the recent convo you had with M about how you feel, and how things with his sis make you feel. I think just keep going from there.

But there will be times i guess when you need to hold back and bite your tongue because it's a learning process for her as well - she's been so used to calling the shots for a long time.

It will be a period of readjustment i guess, but holding your tongue occasionally doesn't mean holding your tongue All The Time.



🌻birdy

[CMF]

Dear Bird,

Thx so much. Was just about to have that post removed as I felt bad for whinging but you've made me realise I do have valid points and feelings. It is a period of adjustment for all of us. When they planned for her to move on I wasn't on the scene. She moved in just after M and I gottogether. She is so generous and giving but doesn't realise at times is a little dominant. Every year they've gone away to the beach as a family, used to have a house there so this is a normal thing for them. Last night M was telling me how much Little Miss will love it. Food trucks at night, beach, waves, boogie boarding. I felt he really wants us there and the house is big so room for all. I need to focus on this. He wants us there, with his family.
That means so much. Yes I can talk to him about it at times and he told me no justification needed. I guess he doesn't see it as he is in it. I always point out it an observation from outside the situation.

Thank you
Cmf x

[CMF]

We knew we would have our challenges ie 5 kids between us. I can understand if hey are around if we are talking on the phone etc, they're our kids but i guess i didn't anticipate having another adult listening and talking and commenting on our conversation. I suppose i could look at it another way, they are so comfortable with me that things are relaxed but it does still get frustrating at times. They recently got doorbell that alerts them when someone is at the door, via mobile phone. He was home and i popped over a few weeks ago. I normally just walk around the back but rang the doorbell as gate was locked. As we were siting chatting she messaged him saying 'answer the door brother, your booty call is here'. He found it very funny and i laughed but honestly i found it annoying, like we have no privacy. I still am not sure why it all annoys me so much and think something is triggering me. My ex husband has an older sister who i felt interfered at times and he always took her side over mine. Little miss' dad had his mum around, listening to our conversations, butting in and his sister used to be in his ear also. So again i am in this situation but there are no sides here. it is just a case of them being very close and her really helping him out and moving into his house. I don't want to have negative feelings toward her as it is making me notice alot of things that i see as her dominating. M and i are both easy going but when does that become being a pushover? I just always have this picture of them being the family unit and me being a visitor and on the outer a bit. As mentioned before, i don't see it changing as i don't see her relationship changing so there is no reason for her to move out as they have a happy family going. I realise his divorce is alot fresher but we've known each other so long and feel we've been together so long. They are a very close, open and honest family, all there for each other. Maybe i'm not used to that? M is studying next few years and if it was an option could do it overseas. His sis light heartedly said he and i could go, my kids could go live with her and his boys and they could all look after each other. That is a big effort, we'f never do it, but it shows generosity and how nothing is too much trouble for them. She has given me oils to help hormones, expensive b'dy gifts and bought things i couldn't find in the supermarket. I would do the same for her and his family. Anyway, I'm waffling, thinking out loud.

[CMF]

I didn't go to work today. little Miss was sick last night and even though she fell asleep and slept all night i didn't and was exhausted today. She insisted on going to school and was great when i picked her up. i spent the whole day cleaning, pine o cleaning the bathrooms, spraying eucalyptus oil, sheets, washing, vacuuming, mopping. On his way home from work m called to see how we were. We chatted and he asked what was for dinner. told him no idea as it was just little miss and i and i am so tired. He suggested i get fish and chips but it is so hot and i don't want to go out again, plus all that fried food probably not a good idea. I asked what he was doing tonight. He said not much. Go home have a drink and chill. Sometimes he comes past if his son is working and meets him at my place but his son has a party after work tonight so he won't come past. As he drove into his driveway he commented that his sis had dinner ready. Happy family. Like a hubby going home to a wife. Why would it ever change? Why doesn't she spend Friday night with her boyfriend? I don't think he knows how it makes me feel, although i told him one night when they were organising to go to the movies. They were organising right in front of me and his son invited me but i had to get little miss so couldn't go. i told him it made me feel crap and left out and he understood and said he too wished i could go, but that doesn't make it any easier. I can see I am going to say something sarcastic one day. It is just so weird for me lately, especially that i see more and more that she has this non relationship with her bf. I don't want that for us. In 10 years i don't want to still be dropping in when it is convenient. I know he has a vision for us, but i hope she realises we have a vision. i know it is way down the track but down the track how does he tell her? If she has no plan with her bf or id they break up, does she just say there? Happy family?

Weird 😞

[Tess2]

Dear CMF,

i have been following your story and was so pleased that you had found M and were having a great relationship.

However your recent posts are consistent in their theme and I would be equally concerned with the sister and how they interact and leave you feeling left out. They have probably been like this all their lives so are not so aware of it and how it effects others.

I don’t want to add to your concern, but M keeps acknowledging how you feel, but nothing changes.

perhaps the three of you need to discuss it? Or I don’t know, that could be awful. But I would want to see change not just “ yes I understand”.

Take care of yourself

tess

[CMF]

Hi Tess and thank you.

Well i just lost my post 😞 but i have been thinking and feel i am being a little irrational and probably feeling a little jealous. She is nothing but giving and warm. They have always been close and supportive of each other. She is encouraging, positive, and has done so much for M and his boys, even when M was married. She was away this weekend so we spent time together, watching tv, cuddling and it was nice not to have a 3rd adult around and i appreciated it. His circumstances are still quite fresh and he is still getting back on his feet in some ways. He is bringing up his two boys on his own, working full time and studying next year. He is lucky to have the support, and he acknowledges this. He treats his mum and sis with such respect and i am so glad he is like that as i know he will always treat me with respect. I may be coming across as unhappy but i'm not. I am so happy, just a little frustrated at times. M always talks about us living together and all the the things we will do and that we have the rest of our lives together. He too is a happy, positive person, I am more of a worrier and can think negatively ie anxiety. I don't like who i am when i am thinking negative things about good people, it is not nice of me. Nothing can change yet for several reasons including our older kids finishing school. If it weren't for his sis they would not have stayed in the family home,with the pool we all enjoy over summer. She doesn't complain about me being there so i have no place complaining. I guess at times i'd just like a bit more privacy. I don't understand her relationship with her bf, neither does M, but he doesn't judge and neither should I. I'm going to try and embrace the fact that i have a beautiful, caring, generous family who do not judge me and our kids are such good friends. Everyone around us is so happy for us,especially when they hear that we've know each other since teenagers and used to date. Those that knew us back then are even happier that i am back on his life.Our families, including our siblings and his mum, have merged so beautifully, like it was always meant to be. I am the one making myself unhappy. He never complains that i have a 6 year old with me most of the time. In fact his vision for us involves us raising her. I really believe they are just so comfortable having me around that it is all so relaxed and informal. They are always happy and positive and i am being a wet rag.