Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[smallwolf]

Hi CMF,

Sounds like a lot is going on at your workplace at the moment.When you said the office is dull, does that give you more time to reflect on things, such as your ex, traffic, work etc.? I know that it would or does for me! Perhaps need to find something to help distract you? Or perhaps a warm bath when you get home? Spoil yourself after a hectic week?!?

Tim

[CMF]

Hi Tim,

not sure if the dull office makes me reflect on things. I guess it does a little but I am busy. It's dull as wwe feel the ex boss' presence missing, even though he was out half the time.

i feel so alone. M is so positive and upbeat all the time. He's ne really had anxiety and tries to understand but he doesn't get it. Everything is so easy for him. He doesn't worry or dwell on anything at all. I can't explain it but I feel so alone. I know he lives me deeply but I when I go through these anxious, tough times I know he doesn't get it, can't relate.its hard to hear plain but I feel he's oblivious to my feelings and it makes me wonder how connected we are even though we know we are great foe each other. He doesnt allow me to dwell on things too much cos of his positivity at times and that's good. I'm in bed, normally I text him goodnight but I won't tonight visor hiw I'm feeling and cos he didn't respond to my previous msg. He's probably too busy to notice. I feel awful saying these things but it's how I'm feeling at the moment. He just doesn't understand how it feels to be worried about your job, or to have no support. He says I take too many hints on board that I shouldn't.

I don't know and who cares. I'm just st gonna pull the doona over my head Nd hope I don't hear my phone if he calls.

[CMF]

Sorry, lots of typos in previous post. My ipad not working so well.

I feel bad, like I'm complaing about M but I'm not. He is amazing and has got me thru a few Anxious periods. His positivity is infectious, i love it. I just had an unsettling day and felt very alone. He didn't know that. I feel funny about the fact his family knows our company director and his best friendsl is even closer friends with our director (and my ex boss)and lives around the corner. Everyone is interconnected with M but i only found out a few months after we started dating. It's bizarre how i got this job then M is back in my life and they all know each other. M mentioned it casually after a few months which i love. He is not a name dropper and didn't see how it should matter. I love that.

So much going on at the moment. It's nentally draining.

Cmf x

[smallwolf]

When you have all those thoughts going in your head, can you please tell me what tools you can use for distraction? There was one time when nothing on my phone was working and someone suggested prayer beads which worked a treat because it was something I could touch. Not suggesting that you run out and buy these, but maybe play with some jewelry or similar. Rene Rivkin had worry beads in his pocket or hands that he played with all the time I would see him.on TV. It was his was of dealing with worry. Hopefully you had a good night's rest and starting a better weekend.

Tim

[CMF]

Thx Tim,

I appreciated you being here. Distractions...housework! Lots of it today lol. I do practice gratitude, i have a necklace M gave me for xmas with some charms on it. I am always playing with the charms. I like the idea of prayer beads. I like prayer. M is very good at keeping me grounded, questions my thoughts, reminds me i am worrying about things out of my control, points out that often the outcome i worry about doesn't happen. He is so easy going and so am i despite my anxiety. I am feeling better today. Lots of housework to catch up on. I know I'm blessed to have what i do.

cmf x

[smallwolf]

Housework - don't tell me about it. This will likely be my last post for a short while.... Need to get stuff for dinner, and eggs etc., and then clean the kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming etc. Never ends does it!

Time to get distracted!

Tim

[CMF]

So M messaged me a few hours ago to ask how i was feeling. i used 2 words starting with F and S. I have not heard anything back. If it were the other way around i would have made contact to see if he were ok, especially considering all that has been happening. So now i am wondering, are these red flags? Am i blowing it out of proportion? I'm really confused. To top it off he may call later and will be as happy as Larry which will irritate me even more. I don't want to be second to everything again.

[CMF]

So i decided to stop being so silly and call him. He had been busy putting out hard waste rubbish and catching up on housework. I told him all that was happening at work and we chatted for ages. I feel silly for being so negative about him. I know he loves And adores me, everyone does and vice versa. I'm being so negative and silly. I just need to hear his voice and i feel better.

I need to remember how lucky i am.

[CMF]

Ok. Sunday night blues 😔. Had a nice day out with M today, beautiful drive and lunch at a winery but i feel left out now. I know I'm being stupid but tonight he, his sister and son are going to dinner and movie. His son asked me to go but i have my girls at home. His sister lives with them and i love her dearly but sometimes i feel they are the couple and I'm on the outside. I know its stupid but they live together. shop together, cook. watch movies at home, she is like a mother to his boys and I'm home alone with my kids while they play families. I know it's stupid. We said we'd be open and honest and i told him i hate it when they all go out and i can't. He agrees. It's no different to when we went out 30 years ago.

[CMF]

I think i find it weird cos his sister has been with her man 10 years but they do their own thing. He goes out with the boys, her with the girls, he goes over for dinner Wednesdays and sleeps there but they don't go out together. That's it, that's what's weird. Anyone who didn't know them would think they're married as they dine and go out when us partners can't (or don't want to as her bf doesn't). I don't know how else to say it without it being weird. Please tell me I'm being stupid.