Feeling lost and overwhelmed...what happened?

[CMF]

Wow, this was meant to be 'my' year. A new year, a fresh start, a year to focus on what i want to do and where i am headed but i have hit a brick wall and can't break through. Single mum 3 kids. My little one has more kinder sessions so i have 3 days with about 4 hours free. With kids at school/kinder, this was my plan and how i wanted to spend my time i was excited/positive up until last weeks:

Do a few odd jobs around the house, fix a few things, big clean up;

Join a gym, do yoga for relaxation, walk every day - take care of me

Do an online course or some short courses so i can think of going back to work next year when she starts school. I could do something i really enjoy, a new career.

Maybe do some casual work or start a little business from a hobby

How i feel now:

Don't know where to start,anxious, guilty for not doing anything with my free time yet

How will i juggle 2 teenagers and a preppie and work all on my own next year?

If i work next year who will look after the little one on school holidays? I don't want to use school holiday programs when she is in grade prep. The thought makes me sick.

Maybe i should sell the house, just get rid of the mortgage and rent and be free ( i have this thought every month around pmt time) but where would i go and would i be renting forever? I feel overwhelmed with mortgage and bills, just like everyone i guess. Am i running away from responsibility, am i lazy?

I feel i have to be doing something all the time, feel guilty if i take time out (i was fine first week of kinder, this started second week I feel guilty not working, Scared I'll get in trouble for not doing anything yet and for having free time. The course i wanted is too expensive but i can look at other options.

I feel like a lazy mum, bad example to set for my children.

I'm anxious and depressed. i look at others with their families and how they are happy and going out and going away because they can afford to.

Am i crazy for being like this? Am i a lazy person? I had it all planned out, what happened, why have i now fallen like this? I saw a positive future, upgrade my skills, get out there and be something now i cant see it anymore.

I've lost my direction. People have said to give myself time to adjust to having some free time and to take a break and then rethink what i want to do but i'm panicking, like i'm wasting my time and i cant get going. I don't deserve anything i have.

Thanks for reading

cmf x

[CMF]

I feel so down and I'm just crying. I really love him. After watching fireworks last night we had a moment together where we shared our feelings. I became emotional (don't think he saw). We watched a Star Is Born on Sunday and i was so emotional after it. he asked why, told him i was tired, anxious and he asked if i had any anxiety abut us. i don't and he said good as there is nothing to be anxious about with us, he is crazy abut me.

He just messaged me, is visiting his dad in hospital and will swing by later...i feel better already. He's never had anxiety but tries understand it and reassures me constantly. He grounds me, makes me look a things in a bigger picture. It helps but anxiety is anxiety...hard to control.

[CMF]

Wow, another year has commenced and is in full swing. I had a beautiful xmas and new year. We have been spending days with M, in the pool and just all relaxing. My anxiety is on and off. I go back to work on Monday and am a little anxious about it. M is so calming for me. He is easy going, caring, appreciative and i feel secure. We can talk about everything and anything or we can just be together and say nothing. We laugh so much about silly things and at time foe no reason. We have a good balance of time together and time apart. Today we are both having major cleanups at home...very satisfying.

I hope i can settle back into work ok, I'm feeling nervous.

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

I like reading your posts lately. It is clear you are mostly happy and content and it has been something I have hoped for for you for a long time.

Returning to work with anxiety is always hard. I struggle to sleep and get all worked up too and then when I'm there is it exactly the same as before and I'm absolutely fine.

A clean out is helpful to keep you busy and distracted but one thing that has helped me is stopping myself as soon as the thoughts begin and saying to myself that these thoughts are unhelpful ones based on anxiety not fact.

Then I ask myself what is the worst I am worried about. That I make mistakes? That I get fired? That people are angry at me?

I've made mistakes and will again. Feels crap. But... It isn't the end of the world.

People get annoyed sometimes. So do I. I just keep trying.

Worst case... Fired? Highly unlikely CMF. From what I've seen people always you warnings. Performance management etc. You give your all. Enthusiastic and kind. Not. Going. To. Happen.

And you and I have one thing in common... We work hard and appreciate what we are given. People forgive mistakes when you're doing your best and keeping on trying.

Reminder...You are an asset to your workplace.

You will be absolutely fine.

How about taking some time out to have some fun? Ask M if he and the kids want to go out. Swimming pool perhaps?

I haven't written or replied often I'm sorry. But do I read and follow when you update.

Monday will come and it will be absolutely fine.

❤ Nat

[CMF]

Hi Nat and anyone else reading,

Had a great day. Little Miss and I went shopping with M. He spoilt her with a Lego toy and icecream, she was glued to him. He is so great with her. I am high anxiety atm due to something in the mail. It is no big deal but a trigger for me so I feel crap now and really, really down. I hate the crap that comes with being a single parent, cant' elaborate as it is a trigger and i already feel crap. I just ant to curl up and disappear right now.

Nat, you're right about work. I always feel anxious if I am away as I don't know what/if anything's happening. Last year a few people were made redundant and i have been feeling insecure ever since, despite our boss telling us he is passionate about having 2 receptionists and that we need to be prepared to help out in other areas. This I am doing as i was asked/selected to help with lease renewals...but i still feel insecure. Just before we finished up for xmas a client gave feedback that he felt brushed off. I have a feeling he was someone i spoke to ( he may not have been and i have been told to let it go but I can't). The same man claimed that he was told we close at 5pm, not 5.30pm. Our boss told us and said someone 'must have been worried about finishing at 5.32pm.' None of us would ever tell a client 5pm but unfortunately the boss thinks someone did. I am worried they will think it was me as i need to leave on time to pick up little miss. I should trust that they know i have more integrity than that but it plays on my mind. I am also worried that while i've been away they may feel they don't need me, even though in my 6 month review the boss told me he hope i will eventually be there 5 days a week. Our boss looked flat at our xmas party and it has been bothering me. I feel anxiety like i did on my firsts day.

I am so down because i want the anxiety to go away. M tries to understand and tells me to talk to him but he's never experienced it so it is hard.When he sees me stressed or worried he tells me 'let it go'. H is really good at it. He is so positive and encourages me gently . I don't want to drag him down so don't tell him too much.

cmf x

[Quercus]

Hi CMF,

Bloody triggers huh. It drives me up the wall that something small like a letter can set me off but it still happens. It will pass and you know this. But oh how crap it feels. Please be kind to yourself?

Ok so the issues at work are something that you can deal with proactively. How about flicking an email to your boss asking for feedback on the last year and expressing interest in having a meeting to discuss areas you need training in or a plan for learning for this year?

To me this shows you want to improve and train yourself to take on new responsibilities and also shows commitment to your workplace.

What do you think? Do you think it would help you to find answers and feel more secure or would it make you feel worse?

Lego and icecream... Im envious. My ferals have been given the Lego unikitties to go with the big set and Im in love haha.

It will pass CMF ❤ until then wait it out and keep asking for help.

[CMF]

Thanks Nat,

Re work, i have told them i am happy to learn more and help out wherever needed but yes i could reiterate that when i go back.

M came over last night as i was quite anxious. Today we spent the day in his pool. I felt a bit better, calmer, sort of. He has wondered out loud a few times what it would have been like if we had stayed together all those years ago, if we had married. We both know that it just wasn't the time for us but you cant help but wonder. I say that perhaps we wouldn't have lasted back then, we weren't on the same page. He was so great with little miss yesterday and today, she is really warming up to him. It is like a picture of what we would have been like as a family. I have felt quite down the last few days after i saw some old photos from our teenage days and photos of him with the girl he dated after me. I had told him those photos made me feel quite down. Today i felt sad and told him i wish he hadn't broken up with me back then, that i had wanted to be the one he spent all those years with. He agreed and said we would have been fine, but that we now have the rest of our lives together. I still feel sad though,i missed out on a life with him which i always wanted. i know i cant live in the past but I'm really feeling it at the moment. Life could have been so different for both of us. All the hurt we have both been through...

He told me to just cry if i needed to and i did a little. I told him i know he doesn't understand anxiety but i know he is trying.He agreed and said he believes me, believes how it makes me feel.

My heart is beating so rapidly...

cmf x

[Guest_1584]

Hiya cm .

so nice to hear you and m doin so well. just wondering though little miss glued to him and all. should she even be around him yet , it's gonna be pretty confusing for her and her dad now and if you guys didn't work out it's really leave her in a mess. lt's just they say it should be 12 to 18mths before our kids meet someone new and only then if we're 200% sure it's gonna last. And personally l agree and thats the way we've always worked it .

Anyway real happy for you , all the best. rx

[Quercus]

Hi CMF (and a wave to Randomx too)

Deep breath my friend. Have you seen the mindful colouring apps? Keep wondering if they're any good... Do you know CMF?

Seeing photos I find difficult. There are some I have of uni and they are hard to look at. One in particular where I am at the smallest and fittest I've ever been. Look so happy in the photo. A rare dressed up occassion. Makeup too.

But I know looking at that photo that she is numb and I know what the plans were at that moment.

And there is one of hubby's of a group of people ready for paintballing. His ex is gorgeous. Tall slim blonde with a cigarette in hand, camo gear. Looks straight out of one of those shooting magazines... Strong. Fit. Sexy. They all look happy.

But I also know all the faces in that photo of people who she hurt. And how hubby hates what she did.

My point is if we didn't have our own life experiences good and bad I'm not sure we would fit as well as we do right now.

Without my experience I would be dominated by my husband's need to be in control. But I don't permit it.

Without his experience perhaps he would never have looked twice at me. But he learnt he doesn't need pretty. He needs trustworthy.

You have had such a hard time with your exes. But you have your children and he has his kids too. You are right to leave the past as past. He has changed and so have you. Neither of you are the people you remember and that is a positive thing.

Hmmm Randomx that's an honest post... but also a bit of a harshly worded one yeah? Or is that just me? Could be. I've been a bit of a mess.

❤ Nat

[CMF]

Hi rx,

fully appreciate what you're saying and if it were anyone else I wouldn't have her around him, hence the reason I was not interested in meeting anyone before. When we are all together M and I don't act as a couple in front of her so she sees him and his boys and sister as simply friends of ours. His boys are same age as my older kids. It was the first time we went out with her on our own. Given that she is with me pretty much all the time it's hard not to have them meet plus it's school holidays, it's hot, they have a pool. We have had dinner there a few times at their house but there are always other people over too. I know what you mean about things working out etc too, however we've known each other 30 years and trust each other without a doubt. He knows I won't have her around us too much and understands but I guess given the circumstances it going to happen or we'd hardly see each other...and I'm entitled to happiness too. He doesn't come to my place for coffee or visit if she is around it's just really cos of holidays and the pool, but I get what you're saying.

Nat,

fully agree. Without those experiences we wouldn't be who we are, have our great kids and know what we want. He had a rough time with his ex wife too. The photos triggered me as I was so happy at the time, then so heartbroken and alone when we split, but we were in such different places even though we loved each other. It was a difficult time for me as I had been in a very serious car accident before we met up and all my friends moved on so I was so alone. Funny thing is, we are not the people we were, yet we are in some ways. We see glimpses of each other that remind us of the teenagers we were but yes, we're all grown up and responsible now and still crazy about each other.

my anxiety is a bit better but still lingering.

cmf x

[CMF]

Her dad is only around when it suits him. He has made no effort to see her so far these school holidays, only having er n the days i have asked him to as i will be back at work. He didn't give her xmas present that he said he would buy but took his sisters gift and wrote 'from daddy' on it in pen.He urns everything into a joke and confuses her with what is correct and incorrect, so i have to correct everything. I would never think of 'replacing' him in her life but she needs to be round 'normal' people who act normal and teach her correct things. There is more but it is stressing me out now.