Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).
Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.
I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.
Masks suck (unless they're for Cosplay). Just remember you get to take it off again. Here, you are in a safe space to be yourself - someone I do indeed think well of. I know how damn hard it is to push yourself when you're under so much pressure, and how much of a battle it is with depression clawing at you. But you're taking charge and fighting the good fight even so, and I respect that. I am definitely on your side.
Still very tired, but today hasn't been a bad day, and I'm not working tomorrow. Also I have had sushi, and my stomach is happy.
Consider the pudding saved. There's a selection of chocolate, rice pudding with a dash of nutmeg on top, or sticky date. Mmm, pudding. (*drool*)
I came home last night and I opened up BeyondBlue, and after reading these posts I just couldn't reply. I couldn't bear being awake anymore. I ate because I had to take my meds but apart from that I just went to bed and that was it.
I'm not doing well, I feel like I'm crumbling on the inside. All that resolve you tell me you see that I have, I'm so blind to it. And I thought about what you posted earlier, about wanting to say things but didn't want it to be public and if you did write it down, it would probably be deleted or censored. That's where my headspace is at right now.
I'm glad you got some sleep, I do hope you are able to get some rest. Thanks for checking up on me.
If your meds are encouraging you to eat, they're doing something right. As for the rest, you're entitled to your "**** it" moments. Taking care of yourself has to come first.
I see your resolve because I know exactly what you're going through, and yet you keep putting one foot in front of the other and doggedly continuing on, just as I do. It's in these quiet moments alone that everything really comes crashing down for us, and somehow we pick ourselves up and get on with it the next day. There are times I don't see my own strength either; that's when it helps to have an objective observer.
You'll excuse my belated reply, I hope. Very busy day, which started with oversleeping, so haven't had a lot of time to be online.
It's not a great headspace to be in, I know, feeling like you can't say what you need to say, especially when there are people right in front of you who would gladly listen and support you. One thing 7 Cups has over Beyond Blue is the ability to message other members privately. I guess here it's regarded as a safety thing to avoid bad advice or accidental harm being done where it can't be controlled.
Anyway, hope today is treating you better than yesterday. Pudding still awaits.
Yea, I guess you could look at it that way. I know I should eat. It's strange to be hungry but have no appetite for food.
I guess I do keep getting back up huh? Although, if I were being honest, lately my thoughts have been to just succumb. I have this sort of algorithmic process in my head when I reach low points in my life. Do I want to _____, yes or no? Cut through all the emotional bull**** and find out, deep down, yes or no? Consequences for either answer will always be there, but I make my decision, I deal with it. I've been asking this question more and more of myself recently. The other day, I found myself thinking about the big one again. Now, I've visited this place a few times. And the consequences for yes are unknown for me but, would be known for the people I know. And I, at a point of desperation, like I'm kneeling before the universe around me (because this is where I am; on my knees), wanted someone to give me permission to say yes. I told my counsellor this and she suggested I bring it up with my psychiatrist, who I am thoroughly afraid to tell because worst case scenario of being hospitalized plays in my head. I know I don't want to be trapped in a hospital. I know I won't act on it. I just want it to stop, and that is the guaranteed way it will. Does that make sense? I mean I can't say outright what I want to say, but I'm sure you'll understand.
I don't mind the belated reply, there is no schedule really. And you're right, I was just thinking today that there should be a group chat or something on this site. I suppose it is harder to contain.
I'm supposed to be studying math, my right kidney hurts for some reason, maybe I need more water, or it's referred pain...And I have the thought of seeing a psychiatrist and an orthopedic surgeon to cradle me.
Maybe I'll just place my forehead on this table and have that pudding.
Is it good that you slept in? I mean, you got to sleep...how are you?
This post may or may not see the light of day, and if it does, it may not last long, but I'm not one to mince words. Lord knows you're not the only one who thinks of succumbing. So very many times, and there will be plenty more to come. I know I won't do it. I have my responsibilities, my birds and my partner whom I love with everything in me. But somehow my crashes don't seem quite so bad when I admit to myself I don't really want to live. I don't see a huge amount of point to it, nor any meaning to my existence. Even if I were some amazing hero saving millions of lives, it's just more little specks that mean no more than I do. But if I try to end it, what then? I could potentially botch it and end up worse off and a massive burden on my loved ones instead. And if I get it right, I create suffering. So I continue on. I try to keep the blinkers on to some extent, focus on my own functionality and enjoyment of little things, and making life suck a bit less for those I care about. But being honest with myself about it helps, and I am thankful I can be honest with my partner about these thing, too. He doesn't try to put rose coloured glasses on me, or make me feel guilty for feeling the way I do. He just supports me, and tries to help me resolve the things that are making it all seem too hard.
I sincerely doubt you'd be locked up for thinking that way or expressing it to a psychiatrist. It's not at all uncommon, I shouldn't think. You said you know you won't act on it, and nor will I, but I take comfort in the knowledge that that is my choice and not something forced upon me. No-one but me can make me live, and no-one but me chooses how I live or what I think about it. I'm all ****ed up, but at least I can own that, and it keeps me going.
Yes, sleeping in was a good thing. I wasn't late for work, and that's all I needed. Sleep was ruined today though, and I'm ****ed off, considering rest is what days off are for. Will try for a nap later, but I have things to do within business hours so no point going back to bed now. I think the above paragraphs probably give you an idea of my state of mind lately, so yeah, been better. But if it comes to it, I've been worse.
Yea, I don't actually value my own existence. Like you, I know I'm a speck. But, I don't have responsibilities, really. Just people who, If I were to succeed, might miss me. Yes, I would create suffering but it comes down to my suffering for their peace of mind, or their suffering to end mine. I haven't yet blamed anyone for my continued existence, because it is ultimately my choice but I wonder if anyone would ever tell me to let go. I am glad you have such a supportive partner and a realistic one, truly.
Didn't get locked up, just got a higher dosage of meds. It was an irrational thought, I know, but when the anxiety kicks in, it's like a high frequency wave, up and down quick-pace, of emotion and no logic whatsoever. On different note, I did find that my knees bend backward too much and as a result the bone-side of my patellae are a bit shredded, and I'm not allowed to climb stairs or do squats. Squats I'm not too fussed about, squatting 70 kilos was as far as I was going to get with that...but where I work, or will be transferred to, only has stairs, so, potentially problematic.
I suppose you should be encouraged knowing that you have been worse. I know I have been worssee too, but it feels like I'm plummeting back to that place. It was very hard to actually formulate words today for the psych. Was supposed to write some stuff down but...Sometimes, even doing nothing expends too much energy.
From what you've said so far, I see you at the beginning of something. You've only recently started breaking free of the expectations of others, forging a path of your own. It's not unlike my own undertaking to untangle myself from my last relationship. You have a direction, a plan, some idea of how and when you can be free. It's damn hard now, I know, but the early stages of a journey like that are always the hardest, but they're also the most rewarding. This is where you get to take charge, and **** everyone and what they want from you. For my part, I would hate to see your journey end when you're just starting to find yourself. And from the perspective of some slob on the Internet you've been of significant help to, I think you have a lot to offer those you let close to you.
I'm glad you discussed your train of thought with your psychiatrist. It really does help to have an objective voice to back you up and give you the logic you're missing, when you're down or in panic mode.
The thing with stairs does not sound fun at all. Wish I knew what to suggest, there.
Try and remember that depression is cyclical. I have trouble with that at times, myself, but I'm coming to accept sometimes I'm just going to come crashing down. At the moment my struggle is not having a timeline for fixing my situation re messed up sleep, or any certainty the ideas I've had so far will work. Are you likewise feeling like you have no measurable change at the moment, or a reasonably near time to expect the next step along the way to be complete? I found with parting ways with the ex, things like filling my house with things that asserted my personality on the space, and removing things from the harder parts of my life helped quite a bit in those drawn out periods between real milestones. Maybe you need to find some tangible way of expressing the change in yourself and your life that you're undergoing? I don't mean the overarching goal of your degree or anything that's a work in progress, but a thing you can have and feel good about right now, that you can look at and see as a mark of your steps in the right direction.
Coffee and pudding sounds good. And thanks for telling me about the bird, that got a smile out of me. There's not really such thing as a bird I don't like.