Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Strong100]

Oh! I meant I'm 'supposed to be joining a club' because it's the psychologist's suggestion. To build my social contact, make friends etc. I understand also why you're asking that question and I am thinking.

[Strong100]

Hi Blue,

Good ideas. Thanks.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

You're welcome. Feel free to ask more questions if you need to, or let us know how things are going if you want to talk about it. 🙂

[lookingforme]

Hey BC,

Oh your neighbours sound absolute crap. They remind me of my parents actually...I'm convinced them and their loud music forced a neighbor to move. I mean, I enjoy my loud music but house shaking is another story. Definitely get the cops involved, hopefully it can help you resolve one issue. I get you, you suppress and suppress and suddenly, there's this boiling rage and you don't even know why sometimes.

7 cups is less and less a go to for me. I think if you reddit alternatives, there's a thread with personal reviews. My cousin asked me how I was and I told her I was a second away from falling apart, that the thought of going to work and pretending (as I mentioned earlier) felt like I was being ripped apart and each little tear I can feel enormously. She told me "You can do it" and "Just go to work" I usually say I can't talk to her about these things but I never learn. On this one, I have. It just means there's one person less to actually talk to. But, I guess we learn when we are ready to. It's one thing to keep acknowledging mistakes and another to actually learn from it. We're learning at least. I'm glad you are taking something constructive from your situation. I guess the next step is having a "healthy" outlet to feel your anger. Give credence to it. And you are absolutely right, we should be allowed to feel what we feel without having to justify it to anyone. If you have to justify, you are not really respected.

I hope you get to sleep tonight. I would have kept you company yesterday but I crashed so hard, let me tell you. It's like 3 days is all I can run for without my brain having a breakdown. You know what it's like? A computer that never "shuts down" properly, cannot reboot to a previous version which worked well, where the problem currently cannot be fixed and the battery is bad, so you're stuck in an endless cycle of trying to fix, unable to, crash, repeat. The time difference between us means I could be up in your early AMs.

[lookingforme]

Hey strong, ah, that makes sense. I was told to do that also, no friends you see. I joined meetups but just don't go. Definitely do it if you're comfortable only, otherwise it wouldn't serve a purpose...Blue had some good suggestions 🙂

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Crap's an understatement, and moving isn't an option. You know, I went through absolute hell with the bank to keep my house, and I have some stupid, selfish **** trying to drive me out of it. Hell no! I don't accept that, and I don't have to!

It's not so much that I get boiling rage coming up. That sort of rage is very rare for me. I have my little rants, but mostly the feeling of anger is quite muted; the bit I realise is there floats off the top and the rest burrows in like a tick and kicks off all its toxins. It's funny that just being kinda mad at some guy on 7 Cups with good intentions but no clue made me stop and think about the nature of anger. I'll have a goosie at Reddit, and see what it comes up with.

Forgive me for this, but it sounds like your family are just a bunch of jerks. Though, you did say you were a long way from home. Is it perhaps a cultural thing, the attitude they have to acknowledging emotions and treating others with respect? Or is it just your family being jerks?

I'm vaguely considering opening a new thread on here about anger. Seems like a worthwhile discussion in and of itself, and I wonder if an open conversation about it would be constructive for others as well. Seems to be doing us some good. I've been thinking back on old techniques I had when I was still allowing myself to be angry. Went to work listening to Linkin Park's "Faint" on repeat (the lyrics are perfect for my mood), which helped quite a bit. Came home listening to Metallica's "Shoot Me Again" - also highly appropriate lyrics, possibly for both of us. I used to have a large bottle of water hung up in the carport that I would beat the crap out of, too. Sometimes the string would break and it would go flying across the yard. A satisfying thing in itself. Might reinstate that.

Sorry you're struggling so hard with work. When you're studying as well, especially something as intensive as I imagine your degree to be, it's a lot of pressure even without depression on top of it. Your description of a computer that never shuts down properly and cyclical crashes is very, very familiar. Try and get as much sleep as you can, that's a huge factor (says me, with less than four hours to get up... but, my own fault this time), and take a time out when you can to do something you find relaxing. I know I've been hammering this, but my Nature Sounds app has helped a lot with that, and sitting in the sun when it's an option. Oh, and vent on here as much as you need to.

[blondguy]

Hey Blue

Forgive me for being so ummm late in your thread. Its 12:55am and just read about the PC/Laptop that crashes all the time.....Even though I am a tech head..google 'System Mechanic Professional' through iolo's home page only. I am using a 12 year old Hewlett Packard Mini Tower with Windows XP Professional (which is redundant)

This 'cleaning' software has been a gift and this HP PC keeps firing on all cylinders...anyhoo....I hope you have a good day at work...I will be sleeping in and relaxing...;-)

Paul

[lookingforme]

Yea, definitely don't accept it.

Yea, I get that muted anger, it is the type more likely to end up with the anxiety an the depression. Burrowing is a good word for it. I suppose getting out the anger in a boiling rage, which I also feel is better? Though I don't tend to let it out in a healthy way.

My family certainly can be. They have this pride about them that they cannot put down. If it goes against their pride, they won't have anything to do with it. They berate for sport. I actually got disgusted one time last year when my father answered the phone and started talking to the guy on the other end of it like he was worth less than the dirt under his shoe. And he yelled and degraded and dismissed. And I thought the guy got insulting or something to loosely justify being treated like that (I don't agree with anybody being treated like that), but when my dad hung up...he started laughing saying it was fun to yell like that and that these people deserve it. No one deserves it. It just brought back all those memories when mum would degrade me and make me cry and all she would say Is "well, the truth hurts." I don't actually have a place that I identify with as "home". I struggle with that concept. My parents have a lack of respect in general because of their pride. They feel like they are owed something in this world, especially by their kids. Their anger is the reason I hate my anger.

Yea, I'm sure a discussion about anger might stimulate some good thoughts. It is an emotion that is rarely spoken about, as you have said.

I'm just doing single units at the moment. I'm not having trouble at work per se, just having trouble with life and having to force myself to function. I am trying to apply a routine which was recommended but I'm having problems instigating it, and how my meds affect me etc.

How come you're awake this time?

Hah, nice one Paul. A 12 year old computer, wow. I'm impressed. Hope your sleep is sweet

[blondguy]

Sorry Blue...to Hijack your thread..

I was about to go to sleep Joelle...You are beautiful and I hope you are doing okay xx

Paul

[Clues_Of_Blue]

You're always welcome to drop in, Paul. My computer's not really crashing - that was a metaphor. Performance could certainly use some perking up, though, so your advice will likely be handy. I really liked XP and regretted "upgrading". Still using Windows 7 though, and not especially keen to move on to a later version. They just keep changing things for the sake of it rather than for legitimate reasons, and I don't care for it. As the saying goes, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.