World Closing In

[DollyDee]

Went to my uncle on mother's side funeral. In recent years I feel nothing in common with mums side of family anymore. I am over 60, have two brothers and one sister very much alive, but at funeral wake which brothers and sister did not attend, I was left quiet lonely. Tried to start conversations with cousins and uncles who I had always adored but felt they all wished to treat me like I was nothing. I had taken day of work, jumped hoops to get time off for uncle's funeral but was totally snobbed off by my own family. I felt like in a small bear cage of loneliness that I didn't want to be in. So not only loosing favourite uncle hurt like hell, but being treated like I was nothing and someone to avoid made me feel like on Gilligan's Island without castaways for company. I came home and have been spend time since funeral day before today just having bouts of crying. Their is no one I can talk to as two brothers and sister have their own families and life, and while we text each other all the time, I feel the connection I need is just not there. I am forcing myself to keep busy with craft work and exercising at home. I live in Ipswich so there is not much entertainment to go out to to help break this loneliness. I feel my world is closing in on me.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

While its possible for the members of your mothers family to have a collaborated attitude towards you for some reason, I learned many years ago that seeking clarification is far more beneficial than assuming anything or leaving yourself with heaps of questions and falling into sadness as a result. So I suggest a direct phone call, initially talk to them about everyday stuff and feel their mood and then introduce the topic. "Are we ok you and me, is there anything on your mind".11 words for peace of mind. Also a funeral is not a good place or time to judge peoples warmth or lack thereof.

Questioning yourself can download into guilt. "Is it something I did? has someone told them lies" and so on. I have found over the years that as I'm fragile, sensitive etc its best I drop those off to give me peace of mind. If they love me they'll ring if not then I did the right thing for self care.

You seem to be a sensitive soul that might need to put in place some boundaries if in fact these relatives act toxic. You're not in this world to live up to others expectations. Please reply if you feel like it and we can discuss more. I'm here daily.

LOVING UNCLE

An old porch chair where my uncle last sat

A smile on his face and slippers on a mat

I'd always laugh and smile at hime

And he would wink frim under his brim

Sadness follows now he's passed away

That I still glance at that chair every single day

Yes, my uncle smiled at me and stroked the cat

A wink from under his brim and slippers on a mat....

TonyWK

[RisingPhoenix84]

Hi there,

I am so sorry for your loss.

It sounds like things were compounded without having your siblings there and also noticing the behaviour of your relatives at a time when people usually come together and support each other. I am sorry that you are going through this. It sounds like you are seeking social and emotional connection right now as you process your uncle's passing but also other people's behaviour. I encourage you to call Griefline Australia on 1300 845 745 where you can get some grief and loss support as you navigate this challenging time. I also think it is great that you are practicing some self-care with exercising and craft work. While your siblings may be busy with their own lives and families, you are still part of that family and would like to hear from you. They may not be able to offer the emotional depth that you may need right now, however they may still care for you within their own capacity. I also encourage you to seek counselling as they can provide the emotional richness and communication you may be seeking during this difficult time. Thank you for reaching out. 

[therising]

Hi DollyDee

My heart goes out to you so much at this incredibly challenging time in your life, especially given the loss of your uncle.❤️ 

While gaining a lot from being an observer of human nature, I was given the chance to observe relatives and friends at my father's wake earlier this year. It was such an interesting mix of people. There were those who were too shy to speak to others. There were those who tended to sit with people they came with. There were those who weren't great conversationalists or social networkers and therefor they didn't speak to or mingle with others. There were some who, through the passing of time, had lost a sense of connection and perhaps found it difficult to re-connect. Then there are those, such as my brother, who can make everyone in the room feel comfortable. This is the sort of person who is a mingler/social butterfly, silence breaker, great conversationalist and can lead a person to feel like their presence matters. Being a socially shy person myself, I've met with such people at events who I look forward to seeing again. While such a person falls into a whole other category, if they don't have the time to connect with us (while they're gradually moving around a room) we can leave feeling like we made no connection in that room. This doesn't mean we're not worth connecting with. Every person has their story and their reason for not connecting with us. To say it is not easy to feel a lack of connection at an event can be an understatement at times. We can feel the isolation, especially while observing ourself outside of the groups that have made obvious connections.

As a gal who can feel deeply at times, I can relate to what it's like to walk away from a challenging situation while asking 'What was that, which I was feeling?'. While entering into an emotional analysis, stuff can start to come to mind. For example, 'What I sensed was what 'being left out' feels like. What I sensed was what 'heartbreak' can feel like'. What I sensed was 'my longing and my inability to make a connection'. The next part of the process is where things can take a turn. While it is one thing to be sensing what takes place in a single situation, it's another when we begin asking 'Where else do I sense or feel those things in my life? Where else do I sense myself feeling left out, heartbreak, longing, my inability to connect and so on?'. While this can facilitate greater consciousness, it can also feel depressing at the same time to various degrees. Developing greater consciousness is definitely not all rainbows and unicorns or something that puts us in an automatic state of bliss. On the contrary, at times I've found it to lead me to feel incredibly down before I can make greater sense of it all. When everything does begin to make complete sense and when emotions do have the impact they are designed to have, I've found this is where the upshift begins to happen. For example, if my pain is telling me of my longing to make connections and I begin to seek out those connections I long for and actually make them, if not for that pain I would not have been forced or driven to make such connections with others. I hope that makes sense. 

At a time of grief already present, given your uncle's passing, I can understand the impact of further grief that can come with sensing a variety of disconnections. I recall the most brilliant definition of love I have ever heard, something along the lines of 'Love is a channel, a container. It is the channel or container that contains all things loving. You can feel either its fullness or its emptiness while that channel connects from one person to another'. I suppose the question becomes 'Who do I wish to develop that connection or channel with and what do I want to have running through it, as a two way connection (not just all being directed out from me)?'. 

[DollyDee]

Your answer does not apply to me as you assume I have relatives phone numbers and that I should call them. I don't have their phone numbers. The only time we see our relatives is at funerals, baptisms or weddings, and then as I said the keep to themselves. If I approach them they make me feel due to the fact that I don't have their monetary level or social standing that they don't wish to associate with me