Stressed and tired increasingly suicidal about EVERYTHING

Guest_92132678

Hi, I’m reaching out because my mental health has deteriorated significantly over the last few days. Tonight I’m finding the constant racing negative thoughts increasingly difficult to manage and I’m hoping someone can help me get through tonight and feel less alone.

There hasn’t been one specific event. I feel like I’ve reached breaking point after too many things have piled up. I’m extremely overwhelmed, burnt out and struggling to function normally. Yesterday I couldn’t bring myself to do anything, took my PRN and slept most of the day. Today I’ve been trying hard to pull myself together because I have my children and need to care for them until they go to their dad on Friday.

Work and financial stress are major contributors. I recently changed careers into youth/community services after studying for 18 months and rebuilding my career after having children and injuries ended my previous career. My current casual youth-support job is extremely inconsistent and there have been workplace/safety issues that have left me feeling unsupported and questioning whether I can continue. My income is unpredictable and I’m desperately trying to find stable employment that works around my children.

Our household is already under financial pressure and my partner’s income can also be unpredictable. There are also longstanding financial transparency issues in our relationship that cause me anxiety, but I don’t have the emotional capacity to deal with that right now. We’re meant to be getting married next year and I’m scared everything we’ve worked towards is falling apart.

I’m also carrying enormous guilt about my children. I worry my stress and mental health affect them. When I’m this depleted, I feel guilty that I’m not the engaged and patient mum I want to be, while simultaneously feeling like I have to keep functioning and appear okay for them.

I feel extremely alone. My partner is working long hours/away this week. I’ve struggled to tell him how bad things are because I feel like a burden and don’t want him to feel responsible for fixing me. I don’t have local friends available and my mum is working and then travelling away. The thought of being alone with my own head is frightening me.

For context, I have diagnosed depression, anxiety, Bipolar II, ADHD and FND, as well as chronic pain from previous back injuries. I’ve dealt with mental health difficulties for 10–15 years and have tried many psychiatric medications without finding something I can tolerate or that works well. I currently tolerate stimulants for ADHD. I also underwent TMS in 2024, which helped temporarily, but I can’t afford the time or cost to repeat it.

I don’t know whether this is bipolar depression, situational stress, burnout or a combination.

What particularly scares me is that at around 18 I sat on a bridge intending end my life. A stranger noticed and sat beside me for about 45 minutes, ultimately helping me through that moment. Recently I’ve described how I feel as being “back on that bridge mentally”, even though I’m not physically there. Recognising that similarity scares me.

Over the last few days I’ve experienced intense hopelessness, overwhelm, racing negative thoughts, guilt, feeling like a burden, difficulty getting out of bed, wanting to sleep and escape everything, and feeling unable to see how all the problems in my life can possibly be fixed.

Earlier I was directly asked if I was currently thinking about ending my life and my answer was no. However, tonight the negative thoughts are becoming increasingly difficult to fight, which is why I’m reaching out rather than trying to manage this alone.

I’m also frightened of seeking professional support. Financially I can’t afford ongoing private care, and because I work/study in this field I understand mandatory reporting and involuntary mental-health processes. I’m terrified that being completely honest could lead to my children being removed or me being hospitalised. I’ve been hospitalised previously and did not find it helpful, so that fear makes it difficult to ask for help openly.

I don’t expect anyone to fix my work, finances, relationship, parenting or entire life tonight. I just need help getting through tonight, slowing my thoughts down and not feeling so alone. If anyone can talk, offer support or suggest somewhere safe I can turn, I’d really appreciate it.

therising

The warmest of welcomes to you at one of the most intensely challenging times of your life. My heart goes out to you so much.❤️

I think sometimes we can be so hard on ourself without recognising just how many challenges we've got going on all at once. While there can be all the obvious stuff, there can also be a whole stack of factors that are far from obvious. In a well balanced life, there can be a balance of stress and relief, a balance of what's depressing and what's inspiring or exciting, a balance of what can feel hopeless and what can give us hope. In a life where we can begin feeling the scales tip, there can be some major challenges on one side of the scales along with 20 other tiny little challenges which don't necessarily register. With everything piling up, the big and the tiny, there comes a tipping point that we can definitely feel (in so many different ways). Being able to identify every single weight and how they add up can leave us realising 'No wonder I feel the way I do' or 'No wonder I'm struggling so much'.

From my own experience, as a 56yo gal who has the ability to feel so much, I've found it's also about what's not on the other side of the scales that can have an impact. Not always easy to feel what's not there, basically because it's not there (if that makes sense). Becoming conscious of what's not there is sometimes what can make a difference when it comes to the compassion and patience we need to feel for ourself. For example

What I'm lacking is my key guide in life. No wonder I'm feeling completely lost while they're out of town
What I'm lacking are all the tips and tricks involved in being able to manage a serious and somewhat depressing lack of money. No wonder I'm stressed and struggling
What I'm lacking is not just the natural ability to be able to manage my inner dialogue but the super natural ability to manage it. No wonder everything feels hopeless if I can't access the sage in me or the problem solver in me or the intuitive part of me that are all going to offer me a sense of guidance and direction
What's lacking is the ability to manage my nervous system like a boss, based on the conditions I face. No wonder it feels so completely out of control

and the list goes on. What that adds up to can be the overall revelation 'No wonder I'm feeling completely lost, no wonder I'm stressed and struggling, no wonder everything feels hopeless and no wonder my nervous system feels completely out of control. It all makes sense'.

I can relate to your bridge moment and the feeling of it having come again, at a later stage of life. I feel for you so much. From my own experience, I've found it comes down to 'I just don't know how to live anymore, under these circumstances'. Btw, bless the person who sat with you for 45 minutes. What a beautiful person. Sometimes what makes the difference on one of the worst days of our life is to have someone sit with us and say 'It's okay. As someone who feels so deeply and so easily at times, it's okay to be feeling in the ways you are. It's okay to be feeling the overwhelm and a longing for a difference. It's okay to feel lost, in desperate need of guidance' and so on. On the spectrum of feeling, a natural born feeler can sense so much, from one extreme to the other. While it is easy to feel the high end, to be able to sense everything at the other end can definitely feel like a form of torture at times. I'd say one of the toughest things to feel is 'Trying to manage everything that requires other people to help us manage'. The lack of other people stepping up to support us and guide us is something we're not always conscious of. Again, from my own experience, it's easy to be a mum when everything's going right and (while 'it takes a village to raise a child') the villagers are all playing their part.

Gameoveraus

I too can relate to the bridge, and you feelings. My career of 20yrs was brought to a grinding due to becoming incapacitated for most of the year and they fired me in december with no send off. I was left with injuries meaning i can never do that work again so i have to find a completely different career

So i've been there alot in the last 18months Feelings of uselessness, no hope, cant make my own rational decisions and everything ends up backfiring, people around me get hurt because of my situation
I was at my ending point back leading upto February this year and admitted myself to a short stay mental ward which did nothing in the long term except scare me away from being put into an acute ward not of my own decision i befriended one lady whilst i was in there and the last day i was there they were clearly going to move her to the acute ward. she had no grip on reality at all, i was far from "fixed" and tried to go back and they turned me away

Anway same as you i feel like a burden, feel whats the point of getting out of bed when it just leads to pain of some description. I try to make positive steps but my brain keeps going back those dark places despite alot of therapy. On the flipside i witnessed first hand what people in the medical profession who actually give a damn and do care have to go with fighting the system

Could you not get a mental healthcare plan from your GP, or through work EAT you wouldnt be paying anything for atleast 5sessions. there are also countless chat lines and services like Sondar that you can just walk in with no referral, thats all i have.. Sondar helped me alot i will have to revisit i just dont know what to say anymore, i feel like i've said it all before over and over this past 18months

Anyway you have people here to chat too

Sandra

Wow you have so much on your plate G.
I can relate a little, though I dont have children, I have a husband. He doesnt understand ( I dont think), but I still tell him when I am struggling more than normal.
I reckon if wants the best of me, then he cant avoid the worst of me too 🙂
many years ago I realised my ‘vocal’ brain was separate from my ‘me’ brain. My ‘me’ brain just wants to get on with things and help me be a good human. My ‘vocal’ brain is like a schoolyard bully, loud, deprecating, mean, and going so fast as to make me dizzy. I didnt know how to address this, so I just told it to shut up with the unhelpful thoughts. Years on, when I feel the ‘vocal’ bugger winding up now I get in early with the back push down.
I do the tasks which are supposed to help, sit in light, exercise (not always physically possible), get fingers and brain busy. I dont enjoy them, but research says do the activity and the good feelings will come.
I also see that I need to maintain some extra-family support, so I will soon be looking for a new friend, and hope that social interaction activity will eventually bring more good feelings.

I really feel for you G. Perhaps a call to your favourite relative can bridge the gap between you and your supports.
You are not a burden. You are a miraculous human being.
warmest wishes