Will it ever seem real

[Tup]

I received a call on the 9/2/16, from my dad saying mum was in hospital. Who would have known less than 24hrs later we would have to turn off life support. Mum went into complete kidney and liver failure over night and her organs just shut down on her, my Aunty and myself refused to leave her side, the Drs said there was nothing they could do for her so at 9.55am on the 10/2/16 my father, sisters, aunts and uncle and our children stood around her hospital bed as she passed away 5 mins later. Mum was only 61. We could not cremate her for 9 days due to a autopsy having to be performed. Coroner has been unable to find a cause of death, we have been told it could be a year before we know. Since she died I have had to organise a funeral, then pack up a house that has 20yrs of memories and help my dad move my two sisters are fighting so no help from them. Dad had to move as its to hard for him. When I was going through the house I came across hand written notes that give me the impression that mum knew she was sick and dying. It rips my heart out to think that she had to go through all of that on her own it must have been the most terrifying experience and It eats at me daily that she couldn't tell me, or felt she needed to keep it to herself. I feel like a failure of a daughter. Nothing anyone says makes a difference 😞

[Guest_2350]

Dear Tup,

I am sorry for you losing your mum.

Nothing can prepare you for this loss. Please do not blame yourself. Both my granddad and my dad left 'signs' that their time was close.

I wish I could help. My dad died suddenly in his early 50s and I can understand the amount of work you're going through (funeral, moving, ...) and comforting your dad and being there for your family. In nearly three months you would not have had time to grief. Until I 'stabilised' my mum and had gone through all the processes (funeral, moving, estate, pension...) there was no time for me to grief. And then it still seemed unreal that it had happened but the world had moved on. And so did I. Unfortunately. If I could go back in time I would not push through and pretend I'm hard. I lost an incredibly important person in my life. And I did not grief, I comforted the people around me and forgot about myself. It is not good, and it came back to haunt me.

If I could go back - and this is what I would suggest to you - talk to someone who can help you - a grief counsellor, a psychologist, I don't really know, you could call beyondblue to get a referral. It is really important that you come to terms with losing your mum. For me it's been nearly 15 years since my dad died and I lost many others before and since - and only the other day did I ask my psychologist, what do you do when the sadness hits you?

Please learn what it means to be gentle to yourself and please learn how to grief for your mum and reach out for support.

Take care, Yggy

[geoff]

dear Tup, I hope that you will accept my most sincere condolences for the loss of your dear mum.
It has to be a difficult decision whether or not your mum wanted you to worry through her illness and to see you being upset and crying, knowing that nothing could be done to help her.
I'm on both sides of this decision as I had to see my Mum suffer from being in a nursing home and there was nothing that could be done to help her, but then I have thought that if I have a serious illness whether or not to tell my two sons, of course they would be disappointed if I didn't, just as I would be if my twin brother became ill and he didn't tell me.
Please I do understand what you are saying and I feel so sorry for you, because it's a part of your life that you have missed out on, being able to talk to your mum about certain occassions that the both of you found the funny side to, and also those sad times when you both comforted each other, so I would be really disappointed like you if my twin was ill, and annoyed, and my two sons would also be frustrated with me if I didn't tell them because they both love me so much, just as you loved your dear mum.
Having no help from your sisters only complicates the situation, and to help your dad move house would also be devastating and a shock for him, as he would have known what condition your mum was in, so perhaps you may get some answers from him, if it's the appropriate time.
I wish you all the best. Geoff. x