Where do I go from here?

[RLKKBAB]

It has been 14 months since my dear father committed suicide. We were so close and I had managed to stop a previous attempt 10 years ago.....if I only picked up the signs this time. He may still be here. He battled depression for years but still managed to be the strength of the family....our rock, the one we went to for advise.

I have some comfort knowing that this is definatley what he wanted, he left videos and letters behind explaining his actions....he was so calm and it was so very well planned. He had even opened all the locks to to many tool boxes so we would know what key belongs where.

What

kills me inside is that he died alone, without me or anyone there to hold his hand.

There was no turning back for him and he wanted this and his videos and letters reinforced this. He wasnt sad in the video and the letters were very clear. We have abided by each of his wishes.

What I am really having trouble coping with is the fact that life goes on.....how can it? My father who was my idol, bestfriend  and mate chose to leave us! Chose to leave his grandchildren who were his absolute world.....

I talk about him all the time, but I feel like no one is listening, I am having nightmares from the day he passed, I am moody, cant concentrate, cant see the positives in life anymore. Sometimes I think if it wasnt for my kids I would have followed in dad's foot steps.

I was always a positive person, outgoing and confident....I feel that has gone now. A huge part of me went with dad that day and I dont think I will ever be the same.

My family tell me to get help.....where do I go? I have 4 children, work full time and money is tight in our house hold. I always thought in my head - after the 1 year anniversary I would magically get better......I was wrong.....

I am now worse and having bad thoughts myself......if it wasnt for my beautiful children who knows......it scares me because I know dad loved us beyond words and he did it......does this mean I am at risk?

[Neil_1]

Hi there RLKKBAB (oh man, we've gotta somehow make that a bit more 'personal' if that's ok - a first name or something because I really want to talk to you in a more personal way, but can't with RLKKBAB)   but hey, that's all ok to start with.

Gee, your post and the words you've written resonate big time with me - not because of how your Dad unfortunately left this world, but for the feelings that you had for him and for how you still grieve and miss him so much.

My dad left this world in 2007 after battling the mongrel disease of leukemia.  I'm still struggling to this day - how much I miss him.  (I guess that isn't actually something that you were hoping to hear).  But it's ok - it's ok to miss someone who meant so much to you and that they're no longer here and you miss that.  It's only been 14 months - don't sweat that, it's ok.

Magically get better - yeah, that'd be somethin' wouldn't it?  But unfortunately, there's no such magic like that.  I do understand you saying that though.

You have four beautiful children who no doubt adore you so much, and look up to you - unconditional love.  You haven't mentioned your wife or partner, but she would be extremely worried about you also.  It's great that you've come here and that you've spoke about how to get help.  This is your first positive step - coming here and posting.

But yes, you do need professional assistance to help yourself through this.  You cannot get through this just on your own.  Do you have a GP who you feel confident and comfortable with?  If so, make an appointment and get along to see him/her.  If you don't, Beyond Blue on this site have a list of GP's who you can do a search for and hopefully you'll find one or more in your local area.  The thing with these GP's is that they are fully qualified to help with cases of mental health issues.

Now depending on which GP you go to, give them a full rundown of your situation, so they can be fully versed in what you're experiencing - and from that they'll be well informed for how to take this forward for you.  Perhaps a psychologist/psychiatrist to be referred too and perhaps even for you to get onto some anti depressants.  There's no drama with any of this - it's all good stuff and it's all good positive things to do for you to hopefully assist you.

I'm sorry, that this post has been quite long - but it's something that is so important, and I hope that some of what I've written for you has gelled with you and that you might be able to commence taking that next step.

I would really like to hear back from you as well.

Kind regards

Neil

ps:   give your kids a special special hug - that's so important.