Struggling to cope after losing my relationship

StillTrying

Hi everyone. I'm really struggling and hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar.
When I was 18, I was in an exclusive long-distance relationship. My partner and I hadn't met in person yet. Early in the relationship, I crossed relationship boundaries with someone else online. There was some flirting, I sent a couple of intimate photos, and it lasted for about a month from what I remember. I never met the other person in real life.
After it ended, I lied to my partner because I was scared of losing him. I kept it from him for a long time. This year, I finally told him the truth because I couldn't live with hiding it anymore and wanted to be honest, even though I knew it could cost me the relationship.
My partner considers what I did cheating, and I understand why he feels that way. I know I broke his trust and hurt him deeply. He told me he forgave me and that he sees me for who I am now, but he still chose to let the relationship go because he couldn't continue after what happened.
I'm devastated and finding it really hard to cope. I miss him every day, feel overwhelmed with guilt, and lately I've just felt numb. I keep wondering if this mistake defines me forever or if people can genuinely grow from something like this.
I'm not posting to excuse what I did. I take responsibility for my actions. I'm just hoping to hear from people who have been through something similar. Do you think what I did would be considered cheating even though we hadn't met in person yet? Has anyone been able to rebuild a relationship after something like this, or if not, how did you forgive yourself and move forward?

This version is honest, includes the important context, takes responsibility, and asks for support without minimizing what happened.

Croix

Dear New Member~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here at the Forum and am glad you came. Other people's perspectives can make quite a difference..

You do ask a few questions naturally enough about this. The first one was it cheating even though one had not met face to face. I'm not sure there is a cut and dried answer to this, from my own point of view it might depend on the nature of the long distance relationship. If you had both given a reasonable expectation it was going to be exclusive then I guess you could consider it cheating. Partly it depends on what the other person expects and your knowing what they expect.

Lying about this is a natural carry on from suspecting you have done something wrong, so from your point of view you may have regarded it as at least possibly cheating.

A member of my family cheated and had an affair, eventually told their partner and they both tried and succeeded in getting over it, so it is possible to do so. in fact I'd personally regard your ex as being a little too inflexible in calling things off straight away.

One of the problems with long distance relationships is you never get to see the whole person until you finally meet, then you may find you have built things up in your own mind that do not match reality. Maybe your ex had built up the idea of a face to face relationship as being absolute with no provision for people being human beings.

Of course you are not defined by what you did. I would think you regard it as having been a mistake (probably both the flirting and maybe also disclosing it later). The whole idea of mistakes is you learn from them and grow. I'd think it unlikely you would do the same again - so you are no longer that person .

You are welcome to talk more

Croix

StillTrying

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. I was 18 when this happened, and while I know that doesn’t excuse my choices, I do think my age and immaturity played a part in how I handled everything. Looking back now, I know I was wrong and I would never make those same choices again.

It was over two years ago now, and I’m honestly not even certain of every detail anymore. There were possibly a couple of images sent, but I genuinely don’t remember for sure. That’s one of the reasons I’ve been so overwhelmed, because I’ve been trying so hard to remember everything exactly as it happened.

I regret not telling him sooner, and I understand why that hurt him. I’ve been carrying a lot of guilt because I’m scared this mistake defines who I am forever, but your reply has helped me see that people can make mistakes, learn from them, and grow. I know in my heart that I’m not the same person I was at 18.

Thank you again for your kindness and for taking the time to share your perspective. It really has helped me

StillTrying

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your perspective. I was 18 when this happened, and while I know that doesn’t excuse what I did, I do think my age and immaturity played a part. Looking back now, I know I was wrong and I would never make the same choices again.

It was over two years ago now, and I’m honestly not even certain of every detail anymore. There were possibly a couple of images sent, but I genuinely don’t remember for sure. I’ve been trying so hard to remember everything accurately because I want to be completely honest.

Can I ask what you think? Does this sound like a mistake made by an immature 18-year-old who has genuinely grown, or do you think it says something about my character? Is it normal not to remember every detail after more than two years? And do you think someone who has been hurt by something like this could ever genuinely move past it, or is it something most people never recover from?

Thank you again for your kindness. Your reply has honestly helped me more than you probably realise

StillTrying

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your perspective. I was 18 when this happened, and while I know that doesn’t excuse what I did, I do think my age and immaturity played a part. Looking back now, I know I was wrong and I would never make those same choices again.

It was over two years ago now, and I’m honestly not even certain of every detail anymore. There were possibly a couple of images sent, but I genuinely don’t remember for sure. I’ve been trying so hard to remember everything accurately because I want to be completely honest.

I was just wondering what your thoughts are on a few things. Do you think the fact I eventually told my partner myself says anything about my character? Do you think genuine remorse and taking responsibility make a difference, even if the relationship still ends? We have now gone our separate ways, but before we did he told me, “We probably will go our own ways. It may not be forever, but I’m not giving you false hope by saying that.” What do you make of that? How would you interpret a statement like that? Do you think it was just him acknowledging that nobody knows what the future holds? Also, do you think it’s healthy to keep replaying every detail in my head, or do I need to accept that I may never remember everything perfectly after more than two years

StillTrying

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your perspective. I was 18 when this happened, and while I know that doesn’t excuse my choices, I do think my age and immaturity played a part. Looking back now, I realise I didn’t fully understand healthy relationship boundaries, emotional cheating, or the impact my actions could have. I know better now, and I would never make those same choices again.

It was over two years ago now, and I’m honestly not even certain of every detail anymore. There were possibly a couple of images sent, but I genuinely don’t remember for sure. I’ve been trying so hard to remember everything accurately because I want to be completely honest.

We have now gone our separate ways, but before we did he told me, “We probably will go our own ways. It may not be forever, but I’m not giving you false hope by saying that.” I keep replaying those words in my head. What do you make of that? Do you think he was simply acknowledging that nobody can know what the future holds, or would you interpret it differently?

I’d also really value your opinion on whether you think my age at the time and not fully understanding the seriousness of what I was doing changes how you see the situation at all. I know it doesn’t excuse it, but does it provide any context? And do you think it’s normal that I can’t remember every detail perfectly after more than two years, despite trying so hard to

StillTrying

I’d also really like your opinion on something. Do you think it matters that I was 18 when this happened and that it was very early in the relationship? I know it doesn’t excuse what I did, but do you think there’s a difference between an 18-year-old making a mistake like this early on, before we’d even met in person, compared with someone older or someone who did the same thing years into a relationship? Does my age and how early it happened provide any context in your opinion, or do you think it doesn’t really make a difference

Croix

Dear StillTrying~

Yes of course your age is a factor, at 18 a person is still learning about the world, themselves and how to interact with other people. You are not born with this knowledge, it comes from life expereince, and that takes(a long) time. I would not act now as I did when I was 18 or treat people the same either. Hopeful I'd now think of their needs more than I did then.

As for being early in the relationssip, as I mentioned before it depends on each persons expectations. I remember before I got married I went out with a couple of people until the one I eventually married took my heart and I stopped seeing the other. I'd not told either of them about the other at the time, however I never gave any indication other than this was a 'get to know you' time, with no obligations.

After marrying I told my wife and found she was quite pleased, took it as a compliment.

If you consider your actions were a mistake simply do not make that mistake again, that's maturity. - there are always plenty of others mistakes one can make🙄

Croix