Dear Anon93~
Welcome here, you are not alone and the effort of writing will be worth it. There is a lot of experience here from caring people to tap into.
I'm sorry for the loss of you dad, it happens to many of us and can be one of the hardest things to deal wiht ever. I never found a time-scale and the effects can go on for a very long time.
I guess you are right, you do need help, and I think that is in three areas. Needing help is no reflection on you, to have coped with depression, anxiety and grief for so long shows strength (even if it does not seem like it to you.) Getting another job and plugging away shows determination and strength too. You have not given up!
OK, your finances are not great, do you think that going and seeing a not-for-profit professional financial councilor - such as at Anglicare - might help? Get things in order, help compose letters, see who to contact and all the rest?
I know you said your mum had her problems, however maybe it might be worth talking with her? It is easy to assume people don't need more worry, however as a parent I'd need to help if I could, even if it was only listening. It's part of love. I'm sure if you live together she would have some idea of your problems already. What do you think?
Now the third part, the medical support. True in the past it has not been great, however also in the past you've said you have not opened up. You are not in denial now and problems talking face to face can be overcome.You sound as if things are bad enough to make you want to reach out.
I found I had to write everything down days in advance and go over it until I had everything down, including the frightening or embarrassing bits. In a long consultation I handed over a copy and the doctor and I went though it together. Actually it was a lot easier than simply sitting there trying to explain, I only had to answer questions. Plus of course no chance to chicken out on anything:)
You can push back at that dark shadow and things do get better - I'm an example
Croix
