Pregnancy loss and pregnancy after loss

[Angelmum]

Hi, i lost my daughter in november 2017 at 20 weeks pregnant. I am now pregnant again which i am grateful for but i just feel so flat all the time. I think i may have antenatal anxiety and depression. I feel like a terrible mother because i just keep wishing i had my daughter here, she would be almost 3 months old now. But does that mean i dont want this new baby? I really dont now how to feel and im so sick of the thoughts running through my head and all the triggers that make me feel so sad about my daughter. Im also scared that something is going to go wrong in this pregnancy and i really could not handle that pain again.

My husband and i talked very openly when we lost our daughter but lately i havent felt like i can talk to him about how low i feel. I think i am ashamed.

Any advice?

[PamelaR]

Hello Angelmum and welcome to Beyond Blue forums.

My heart goes out to you Angelmum. I too have lost 2 daughters at 25 weeks. The pain of loss is intense and grief had no time limit.

Have you talked to anyone (other than your husband) about how you are feeling anxious and depressed. For example your doctor, social worker, psychologist. I have found talking to someone, other than my husband, has been useful for me. With regret I never did after the loss of my daughters. It was years later. I'm sure I would have dealt with life a better had I gone sooner.

Our daughters would have been 30 and 36 this year. It took us many years before we acknowledged the older one's birthday and raised a glass of wine to her. I had always thought it was morbid to dwell on things like that. However, time has shown this is not the case. Attitudes in hospitals and the community have changed now - thank goodness. When ours where born they were whisked away before either of us could see them.

What are you feeling ashamed about? Women lose their children at all stages of pregnancy for numerous reasons that are not the fault of the mother.

I do feel very sad for you Angelmum and reach out my hand to you. Keep reaching out if you want to share more of your story. There is no pressure for you to do so though. Just if you want.

You're not alone.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Eliza2]

All I can say Angelmum, is that you are entitled to grieve as much as you want. As long as you want. Tell your partner you are still sad. He has lost a child too. Women often get made to feel they shouldn’t talk about their experiences with losing a baby, and just soldier on. Cry and cry, and then you will be ready to love your second child just as much as you do your first. Best wishes, look after yourself.

[Doolhof]

Hi Angelmum,

My heart goes out to you as I welcome you to the community here. I'm so very sorry to read about the death of your precious baby. I too have experienced pregnancy losses.

There is a group called SANDS Stillbirth and neonatal death support. I( am not sure if it is Australia wide or not though, they helped me 20 years ago.

I would like to suggest you have a chat with your Dr. and ask if they know of any on line/ or support groups. If you are seeing medical people about your pregnancy, ask them if they know of any support groups. Also let them know of your concerns with this pregnancy.

One thing I had to learn was the pregnancy loss was not my fault! It is not yours either.

I would also like to suggest you look into some grief counselling.

I wrote a lot about my pregnancy loss. I wrote when I was next pregnant as I was concerned I would forget my first baby.

Another thing I did was to buy myself a ring as a symbol of my love for our child. A friend brought a statue of an angel.

It is important to not put blame on anyone, to learn how to cope with your grief, to understand there will be tears in the memories and that is okay.

My husband never saw the babies, never talks about them and doesn't like me doing so in his presence. That is okay to. He deals with it in his own way.

Hopefully knowing you are not alone in experiencing such painful memorieshelps in some way.

Kindest regards to you, from Dools