Narcissistic abuse survivor

[Spice-of-Life]

Hi All- any survivors of NPD abuse? 

I am an empath and realised I became a people pleaser from childhood where I experienced terrible abuse. I married, husband later diagnosed with Autism but narcissistic traits which were the issue followed by DV. When child safety became involved it woke me up to leaving before kids experienced it too. (Which sadly happened later on access visits) Then I went through intensive counselling for years only to finally end up engaged to a man I later figure out has NPD and there was financial and emotional abuse (gaslighting/DARVO etc) The act had me fooled, but the lies all came undone and I saw 2 people: the one I loved. Then the cold, calculating one who seemed to enjoy deceiving and using others as it was a fun game. Of course the later was real him and it rocked my world as I’m kind and believe the best of people. Probably because I know what it feels like to struggle. 

Now I have this intense anger at all the behaviour from childhood to now. Then I feel numb as my whole blueprint for life has been BS- I’m not responsible, it’s not me, they were projecting their own crap onto me and dodging responsibility. I erroneously believed in mutual respect, honesty and good intentions . I don’t know how to ever trust again and have lost my faith especially in men which is unfair. I’ve been through a lot- but the last guy took the cake. I’m so so thankful to be free as it was sociopath level scary when all the evidence came to light and the switch flipped. I’ve since learned there can be machevallian where they are very skilled at manipulating and matched this person.. 🥹

I am grieving that I haven’t had a safe relationship and likely won’t as I quit now as I’m not going to survive any more rounds. I do lots of self care, get to church, work, care for kids (now 100% care) trying to make friends post discard ( met some nice people). But I just feel numb- exhausted, ruminate then yo-yo with anger and depression. I feel like a zombie. 
I don’t talk about it except with therapists as I want to be free of it. 

Is anyone else going through this? Recovered? What helps? Thx in advance ☺️

[therising]

Hi Spice-of-Life

I feel for you so much and so deeply given all the abuse and pain you've had to experience throughout your life. I can understand your anger, given that these people took from you what should have been joyful times in your life. My wish is for you to experience a great sense of liberation from this time onward. 

I've found there are 2 types of intensely self serving people in this world. The first involves completely closed minded people who believe they always know better and everyone else has the problem and the second involves master manipulators. As a bit of a 'woo woo' gal😁, I'm going out on a limb here with you having mentioned the 'e' word (empath) to begin with. That master manipulator is known in some circles as 'a dark empath'. They can feel or sense everything and use that ability to serve themself. They can feel when they're leading you to self doubt (mission achieved). They can feel when they've opened your mind for them to plant ideas in your head. They can easily get a sense of what will lead you to feel sympathy for them or compassion for them, so they can work you from that angle. And the list of everything they can sense or feel goes on. Must say I'm not a fan of such people. 

On the bright side (not the dark side) of being a 'feeler' or 'sensitive', there is you, Spice-of-Life😊. No matter which side we're on, the challenge is the same, to develop the ability to feel or sense. Personally, I've found anger is not a bad thing at times and it can come with having woken up to people. Kind of like 'Okay now that I've some anger fueling me, instead of self doubt, let's see if I can start getting a better feel for people, a better sense of their nature'. This can lead to the revelation 'Those self serving a*******s were actually my teachers in a way'. You could say

• If not for that person I used to know, I would not know what 'someone having an agenda' feels like. I can sense this person I'm speaking to now has an agenda
• If not for that person I used to know, I would not know what 'a self focused person' feels like. I can sense this person I'm speaking to now is extremely self focused even though it's not entirely obvious
• If not for that person I used to know, I would not know what 'degradation' feels like. I can sense this person as grading me as being below them. I'm not below them but I can still feel them believing this. I can feel them as being delusional🤣

I've found it liberating to proudly consider 'I'm a feeler/sensitive' as opposed to believing 'I'm broken in some way, being able to feel so much'. It becomes a matter of 'Okay, let's take this for a test drive, this ability to feel/sense. Let's see how well I can do it'. It pays to connect with others who feel in the same way. It's a confidence booster, when it comes to learning to trust what you feel. For example, you could be in a room full of 100 people with a guest speaker who you sense as having an agenda. You can typically pick the sensitives in the room. They'll be the ones looking around to see if anyone else senses something off about the speaker. The rest of the audience will remain fully focused.

Btw, self serving manipulative people get you to switch off your intuitive ability. It's still there but may need some exercise/redevelopment. Try regaining your ability to get a feel for people. Whether it's someone close to you, the register operator at the local supermarket or someone else, practice where you can. And if you can sense that register operator as desperately needing a smile, give to them what they so desperately need. Your ability is there for a reason. You are here for a reason. ❤️

[Behere]

Yes I am going through this 

Awakening to all the abuse and tricks a Narcissist employs is both painful and liberating 

I have found that I dwell on all the ways I have been manipulated and abused this is understandable because you don’t want this to happen to you again but it is also destructive to your mental health i vary between reflection and a kind of amnesia that I need in order to carry on and be there for my daughter 

I do not have answers to your questions as you are further down the path than I am but I wanted to  reach out and wish you all the best just to know there are other people that have experienced the same thing was a big help for me 

Kind regards 

behere