My mum is gone

[Whatever1]

I’m 18 years old and at the start of this year my mum died so very unexpectedly. It’s been 9 months without her and I can’t explain how much I miss her she was my best friend she always had a solution to every problem of mine and for some insane reason I keep thinking that she is going to come back and everything will go back to normal but it won’t. It hurts my heart physically hurts and I don’t know what to do to stop it, all I want is to just see her face and hear her voice and just hug her so tight. Just mum and I lived in a small house together, mum had been sick for few weeks prior but doctors just kept sending her home with different pills to take so she went to the hospital one night from still feeling unwell, I was happy because I thought that she would get the medical advice and treatment she needed and be home in a few days, that night I got a phone call asking if it was me and was told to come up to the hospital so I did. I got there and all the doctors kept saying to me was “Hannah your mum is really sick and it looks like she might die” as I waited for the rest of my family to travel down to the hospital I sat by her bed side in the ICU unit and watched my mum die then had to tell the rest of my family when they got there. I keep reliving this day over and over in my head and I have dreams at night about it, it makes me feel sick and makes me feel so sad I just couldn’t do anything to help her. I don’t want to live my life with out my mum, I feel that I will never be properly happy again. I want her here with me it’s just so totally unfair. I don’t understand what I did to deserve this kind of pain. The last thing I thought that would happen this year was I wouldn’t be finishing it with my mumma, this year by far has been the worst year of my life and I cannot wait until it is over.

[geoff]

Good Morning Whatever1, please accept our sincerest condolences with our deepest sympathy and know that how you are feeling must be so difficult to comprehend.

Those tears, whenever you want to cry, sometimes are just unavoidable, you are entitled to show your emotion, and this grief takes on a life of its own and it becomes something that requires a little more support than can be found from yourself, and in saying this, are you able to write the memories you have on some paper and talk about them with a counsellor.

They may bring tears to your eyes and that's what you need to do, express how you feel.

Please let us know how you are going because there will be more involved as you go.

We wish you our kindest thoughts.

Geoff.

[White_Rose]

Dear Whatever

Welcome to the forum. Please accept my best wishes and condolences on the death of your mom.

When my mom died I felt pretty much as you do. My dad had died a few years earlier. Like you I kept expecting one or other would come walking down the road to see me. I would run to the window to wait for them only to realise (again and again) they were not there and had gone forever. I know how I felt and I think you are remembering and feeling in much the same way. I'm not sure which was the worst, the fact they had died or they were not coming to see me. Doesn't really matter because both were so dreadful.

My heart goes out to you at this time. I cannot take away your pain but I can offer to walk with you for as long as you wish. May I say, even though you will not believe it now, that you will heal. It will take time unfortunately as such grief runs deep and takes time to feel better. You will never forget her but the times between remembering will get longer.

Do you live on your own now? If so is it possible to live with someone else for a while. A family member or close friend. Perhaps someone can come and stay with you for periods of time such as weekends. It will help to have someone around, someone who knows how you feel, (as much as anyone knows how another person feels), someone who cares for you.

Although it was only mom and you living together do you have any extended family? If so I wonder if you can arrange a bit of a family gathering to rejoice in her life, to reminisce, to remind you of family jokes etc. Bring out the photo album and talk about the good times. If you are living in the house and own it, perhaps you plant a tree or bush in her memory. Some people find this helpful.

It probably sounds a bit weird to do this but it can help. Holding a memorable of sorts does bring comfort. You can express your feelings and be comforted by those who care about you.

We both know this grief will take a while to become bearable. Talk about mom when you wish and be angry this has happened, want to bargain, shock, denial, depression, testing, and acceptance. This is normal.

Mary

[Moodog0804]

Hi Whatever1,

My condolences to you and your family. I lost my mum just over 1 month now to cancer. It is totally unfair. I am only 15 years old and have had to grow up a lot in the past year caring for mum and battling my own health issues for it to end so soon. I totally understand what you are feeling as I feel like she is going to come home too and everything will go back to normal. Mums side of the family has barely spoken to us since she passed and now feeling very isolated. Some people just get delt a horrible hand of life but just know things will get easier, it just takes time.

I often write letters to mum about the different events that have happened so I feel like she knows what is going on. Mum was always there for me, so I am finding it very hard to talk as she was my go to person. She had a solution to every situation and always supported me. Dad is in the Navy so he has been away a lot, so it feels wired now because he is the one that is raising me and my younger brother.

Sorry I am not much help, but I hope this brings some confort to know that there are other people out there going through a similar situation.

xx