My beautiful boy

[clocktower]

Last Tuesday my darling son passed away from depression.  Today is one week since he was laid to rest and today has been an awful day.

[Cymru]

My son suicide earlier this year. Nick was 22. But our pain will be our own and I don't mean to suggest any comparison. There are no words. My commiserations.

Russell

[Neil_1]

Dear all

To all the wonderful people who have posted on this thread over recent times, my heart goes out to you all – and though I’ve suffered my own losses, none of them have been through suicide.

I just wanted make a quick comment here if I may, in a response to something that Mz13114 wrote above:   “I spoke my mind and I still feel I need to fight for my son, to try and change the irrational stigma that all sorts of people have.”

I believe there is a big stigma over suicide, just as there is over depression and other mental health issues, but perhaps suicide is larger than the others;  as we know, there is a giant push out in the community to better educate the public over mental health issues.  I think it’s time that suicide is taken to the streets as well.

My daughter (14yo) recently had to do some research into Mental Health for a subject at her school.  She chose to interview me and she even composed her own questions – it was a video kind of interview – I made dot points of my answers to the questions prior, so I could roll along and not be sitting there like a rabbit in the headlights;  and we both felt it went really well.

But in one part, I spoke about the stigma about suicide (as mentioned I haven’t been directly affected at all) but in the course of my answer, I really welled up, but kept going.  I commented about how the person is suffering so terribly each and every day from this disease of depression and the like, that the only hope that they can see is to terminate things – they’ve tried hard in so many other ways and yet, the demons in their mind just make living next to being unbearable – and only those who are going through such torment would ever know the true pain and torture.   I spoke that in no way EVER are their actions of selfishness and I would challenge every time anyone who says that it is.  They were just at their wits end and it was their only way of getting release.

It is without doubt, shocking, horrible, terrible and so very very tragic, but it is not selfish.

I do hope that as days, weeks, months go by, that each of you continue to be as positive as you possibly can – there’s going to be down times and very tough times ahead, no question, but keep your support mechanisms in place.

As always, keep posting here – this community is absolutely wonderful.

Kind regards

Neil

[Mz13114]

Hi Neil,

That was so good to read. I don't ever want to lessen anyone else's loss but I am so rapt that your daughter is doing an assignment, research, on mental health. The silence over suicide and the lack of funding for mental health is a tragedy in this enlightened country.

When my son died, I even had someone in my family tell me; He's not Jesus, you know? What that meant is still a mystery to me. We have to talk about this stuff and I hope we become a more compassionate world.

Some days I can't stop asking Why? Other days I even tolerate people needing to put their spin on it. The silence and fear that is around this stuff only adds to the pain people suffer. We have to be mindful of so many things and I hope that I can always be willing to learn and yes, there is hope when I hear of young teenage women taking the initiative to do what your daughter has done.

17 months on from my son's death and the pain and unintentional burden left on his 'olds', sister, partner and friends is still ongoing. Wish I new what to do. I am sorry to harp on, but I hope more people will be able to get help and help others.

Thanks. Mz.

[Neil_1]

Hi there Mz

Thank you for your latest response – it was great to read.

I have an idea of what that person meant with regard to the jesus comment, but if it’s what I think it is, then it’s one of those stereotypical remarks about suicide and someone with no (or next to no) compassion at all.   Someone who should simply say nothing because they should fear that someone else will think them a moron, instead of opening their mouth and removing all doubt about that.  Sorry a bit harsh there, but people like that … grrrrrrr.

My daughter has an in-class exam today, but in the shape of having to write an essay:   On the subject of if you discovered or thought that a friend of yours was suffering from a mental illness, what would you do?   Or something along those lines – she was able to put together a list of dot points for the opening, para 1 and para 2 and then the summary and showed them to me.  It almost bought tears to my eyes, as she was so close to the mark – as a 14yo, I didn’t know whether to be incredibly proud or to be the complete opposite – being the complete opposite, because without me suffering from what I have on a daily basis, she wouldn’t have known what to put.  So I guess looking at that, YAY, there’s been a bit of a good coming out of my illness.

It’s now 17 months on – I’m not sure if you’re the kind of person who journals things or likes to write – but I know for me, doing that kind of thing did help.   To begin with I journaled things – just typed them up as to how I was feeling – weekly and sometimes on a daily basis – sometimes not much and sometimes heaps.

I then gathered lots more of my writings and such and merged it all together into a kind of list of chapters, that I’ve now inserted into a manuscript about my life story and my battle with the Black Dog.

I’m not suggesting you go this far, unless of course you would like too, but it might be something to help you at this time or possibly something to try in the future?

Just a thought.

Neil

[vicman]

I’m so sorry clocktower. I attempted suicide twice over the years and often wished I had succeeded. Be at peace with you Son knowing he has no regrets and feels no pain.

beyondblue’s clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[HA1]

Hi Clocktower

Its been a while since we heard from you.  I was wondering how you are feeling now.

It would be great to hear back from you!

Take care

K

[Mz13114]

Hi Neil,

Yeah I don't see my sister so much now and have had some doozy arguments with her weird views on life and death. I was writing a lot early after Gus left us but I got really depressed and pretty crazy for a bit. I have kept some of my poems and experiences and I always believe I will write again.

I wrote on the ABC Open, In Memory Of project and got an article printed in the Age early in the year which really helped me understand that my grief and how I keep my love going for my son is my own and it is special to me. I should have said a letter to the Age, not an article. Music is really important in my life and although I used to study classical piano when younger I only strum around on the guitar now.

You must be so proud of your daughter. So many of us have mental health illnesses and with places like BB there will always be the possibility of changing the old stigma thinking and understand that it isn't a shameful, moral failing but an illness like diabetes is an illness.

My daughter is 27 now and I'm so scared for her and how she is travelling. Can't even begin to say whats going on, just that I love her, and try to help without the codependence. A positive day for her today and I'm grateful for that. We were both singing out loud, in the car, that old Billy Bragg song - Waiting for the Great Leap Forward.......Ha.

Cheers,

Mz.

[Neil_1]

Hey Mz

Yes, I’m incredibly proud of my daughter – and my son also – can’t be forgetting him either.  🙂   Very proud of both.  🙂

I’m going to be looking forward to reading her essay as well as finding out how well she scored as well.

Those times in cars can be very memorable – things like that can be really awesome between a father and son or daughter.

Don’t know about you, but sometimes we’ve been on holidays and we’ve been in a car driving and you hear a particular song on and at the time, it’s kind of a special place where you’re either driving to or from.   THEN ages down the track, you hear that song again and you can recall that ‘other time’ when you heard that song – always brings a smile to my face.

Well, the long weekend is just about upon us, so hope you have an enjoyable and relaxing one.

Neil

[clocktower]

Look how long it's been and I still feel the same. I see the world progressing as it should but I don't understand why I'm still part of it. I just wish life would get better but all that's happened is I'm still living. I don't have a clue as to why I have to be here still. But thank you for caring.

[HA1]

Hello Clocktower

Yes its been a while! I also have not been very active on the forum over the last few years. But I saw your post and thought I would pop in and say hello.

It does sound like you are doing it hard. But I hope you are doing your best to look after your physical and mental health during this time. I hope also that you have some form of support network to help you through the grieving. I mentioned in an early post that it might help to talk to a grief counselor and/or psychologist.

Take care and, again, look after yourself.

Regards

K