My 23 year old son committed suicide

danmath

He struggled with feelings of shame and despair that he felt he couldn’t share with us. Something happened to him at age 10. Although we tried to get him to open up to us he just couldn’t. We tried many times over the years.
He finally shared his struggles with his mother earlier this year, but made her promise not to tell anyone - not even me. I put 2 and 2 together though. Finally, on the 15th of this month he ended his life. His mother blames herself. I don’t. She was in such a difficult situation, and thought if she broke her promise to him he’d attempt suicide. I think he stuck around for a few more months for us. He loved his family. But he believed that, given his issues, he would never be able to have a girlfriend and a family of his own. And that was all he ever wanted.
I think living with such issues tired him out. And he thought that suicide was the only way to rest.
I love and miss my boy. He learned to carry himself with grace and dignity despite his struggles. He was an exceptional person.
I feel so exhausted and sad. In the last couple of weeks we’ve dealt with police and coroner, funeral and memorial, collecting ashes and starting grief counselling.

I suppose in writing this I’d like to hear from other people who wish to share their experiences.

Sophie_M

Hi danmath

Thank you for sharing this. We are incredibly sorry for your loss. We hope there is some comfort in the kind words of our community here, some of whom may be able to relate to some of what you’re going through.

Please also know that the lovely counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service are always available to talk through these feelings on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor.

We hope that you find some comfort here from our wonderful community, and please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going, whenever you feel ready. This community is here for you, anytime.

We have also sent you a private reply with a little more information.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

danmath

Thank you. How do I change the title? I feel that it will be triggering to people and that’s the last thing I want to do. I want to change it to something more like “I lost my son to suicide.”

darko

Hey mate, I just thought id say as somebody who likely feels in a similar way to your son as an 18 year old, with my personal experiences, your son not reaching out to you was maybe a feeling of embarrassment in having other people worry too much. I have had similar thoughts of, hey im not going to do that thing because my parents, people I know, would be upset. Me personally, I just hate having other people worry about me, or even having to think about me. Unfortunately todays world is just super crazy and, I suppose scary. I truly hope you and your wife find success in grief counciling, and I admire both your courage to even seek support. (Hell I dont have that) Genuinely, sending all my support your way, your son sounds like a great person and I think he would appreciate the kind words that you have spoken, as I definitely would. Have a great day.

danmath

Thanks for reaching out and thanks for your compassion. A lot of what you’ve said resonates with me and echoes some of what Tom must have felt. I think young people have it a lot harder than I did when I was their age.
I hope you’re ok, and feel safe. If you haven’t been able to reach out to your family then I beg you to get some support in any way you can. Please don’t try and get through this on your own. There are many options: psychologists, not for profit and peer support groups. My son refused to take medication as he thought he wasn’t depressed and he didn’t think they’d help.

If you ever feel unsafe you can always call the beyond blue helpline or send a post my way. Feelings of shame and not wanting to trouble people I think can make one feel isolated, and that’s a very heavy weight to carry on one’s own. I’m in awe of how long my son carried this weight for as long as he did. He was so resilient to do so.

Thank you for reaching out once again. It means a lot to me.

darko

I appreciate the kind words, I have been debating getting help for a bit but as I said I just dont really have the energy (or confidence?) to seek it out. Maybe those 2 feelings are identical, maybe they arent im not really sure haha. Im pretty sure I have some kind of disassociation syndrome that I cant really explain - I guess like having a foggy window between myself and other people? I cant really connect with others unfortunately. I have pretty bad social anxiety so my brain just kinda scrambles and pretends everything isnt real. I suppose its a defense mechanism, just the way im wired I suppose. Thanks for the support though, being here and just speaking has really helped get my mind of stuff. Hope you have a good day!