Loss of my daughter and only child

[Tonileigh]

Hi I lostmy daughter Ashleigh, August 7th 2009.. And I still struggle with overwhelming grief without her.. Flashbacks of that day..

she was born with a congenital heart condition, had 4 open heart ops.. And lots of hospital stays in her 16yrs.. She was a little fighter... And 09 her health went down hill with pulmonary hypertension, and she was looking aga heart lung transplant.. It was such a shock! She decided to do all tests for transplant.. And it was then we realised her pacemaker was getting close to being replaced.. And they weren't wrong.. A week later we were back and waiting for adr and anethasist to do her surgery.. Took 2 wks before they did it, and she got so much sicker waiting...I walked up with her to the theatre.. She was so looking forward to feeling better.. As she lay there, I mouthed to her, I LOVE YOU.. She nodded at me with a smile on herf face.. It was only 20 mins later we got called back, because they were trying to revive her.. Complications with surgery and the hypertension... They managed to revive her.. And she went up to icu.. 

They had stabilised her and our dr said they were going to let her sleep over wkend.. But when we went in the nurses were till weaning her off, and slowly waking her!! The icu dr had not relayed anything of what ourdr had said.l.. And then when they did her obs, she got startled and things were beeping everywhere!! I was telling her I was there with her... And then they sent me out..6pm we lost our beautiful Ash... We miss her so much,and some days I really struggle... I haves great husband, a a great faith, but some days it's not enough!!! I wishi could of taken her place..I dontbelieve she's in heaven watching over me, and I hate it when people say that.. Because really, if Ash saw how much we were suffering, and how much she was missing, she would be devastated....  How do any of you out there cope.. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 Toni

[white knight]

Hi Tonileigh, welcome here.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your story would send shockwaves to others that have children. That fear of losing their own.

It is clear to me that you havent moved far from the grief that commenced that aweful day. On the one hand people have different lengths of grieving, different intensity and different effect on their lives. We are all different with grief. So having said that and my feelings that you havent moved significantly from 09 this could be because that terrible event has scarred you or it could be that this is normal for you as an individual. (hope I'm making sense)

Either way you need help. Yes, your doctor is the first step and subsequent recommendations. Group therapy whereby you are in contact with others in similar situations might be another way to vent it and vent it well. The harbouring of those memories need an outlet, someone that will listen and probe so you feel over time you can move on a bit more than you have.

".I dont believe she's in heaven watching over me, and I hate it when people say that."  How can people react in such a way that you would endorse? It's really hard for others. Anything they say will never be right. Nothing they say will comfort enough. This is I'm afraid....the hard part about life. And when I lost my brother from suicide in 1979 I felt "how many would understand my grief"? But over the years I've realised that many many people go through similar experiences. Many lose their children, parents, siblings etc. I'm not trying to reflect on your loss as anything but a tragedy. I'm saying you are not alone with grief. We just dont see it often in our day to day lives.

We are here to listen and help if we can.

My only comfort I can give you is that time does help heal. It might be many years yet before you can mentally function to a satisfactory level. So to fast track it better I suggest you head to your doctor and allow him/her to guide you with treatment.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. You sound like you were a beautiful mum.

Tony WK

[geoff]

dear Tonileigh,     

[geoff]

dear Toni, I would so like to thank you for coming to this site, where I do hope that you can get other people reply back to you, but how sorry can I tell you that we are for you to lose your dear Ashleigh, your pride and joy, but who has had so much to cope with during her life, I can't say enough to you that our sincere condolences are certainly with you and how we feel for you and your husband.

Words can be warming for you, but they won't bring your lovely Ashleigh back, but every word said is meant sincerely to you, just to let you know that we care so much for your loss.

Unfortunately your time is going to be full of crying, yelling questions out to whomever is there and even when no one is with you, so we appreciate you on telling us about this very sad event, and this is a safe place where you can cry to us while typing, where you can ask questions which we will endeavour to answer for you, but also a place to vent your feelings.

There are some lovely members on this site who have been through something similar, and I don't wish to talk on their behalf, as it's not my place to do so.

You may need some professional help and I truly hope that the peoples are able to connect with you.

Please accept our most sincerest sympathy and I do hope that you have the strength to be able to reply. L Geoff. xx