Hi carer1
My heart goes out to you so much, given such an enormous sense of loss. I think when friends are really put to the test, they'll either rise to the occasion (while raising us at the same time) or they can fail to be the kinds of friends we really need in our life. It sounds like you were one of those raisers of others.
When I think of my mum's life before she passed at 86, years of physical and mental challenges (and even soulful ones) really put a lot of her friends to the test. Some passed many tests with flying colours and some either disconnected from her or she was led to disconnect from them. There were 'friends' who didn't want to hear how unwell she felt at times, as opposed to those who encouraged her to vent her frustrations and disappointments. There were 'friends' who mentioned how she needed to stop being so negative, compared to those who acknowledged how pain can interfere with dopamine production (something that can become a deeply depressing factor in relation to chronic pain). And there were those 'friends' who never acknowledged her loss of a positive sense of identity, compared to those who helped her gain a new sense of identity. When a person's 'I am' becomes largely about 'I am someone who only goes out for appointments, I am someone who suffers in pain, I am someone who experiences falls' etc, there is no positive sense of self or sense of identity in that. At times it angers me when I consider all those 'friends' who my mum raised at times, no matter the challenges they faced.
I'm wondering whether you've discussed with your specialist/s the possibility of occasionally breaking the pain cycle. This is something my mum used to do. Based on side effects from long term usage of high doses of pain meds, occasional short term increases (to create pain free periods) can make a difference to mental and physical wellbeing. 'I am someone who experiences pain free periods in life'. Is it possible, when you go out for appointments, to couple events together? For example, experiencing appointments with lunch out afterwards or a coffee before hand can lead to 'I am someone who goes out for lunch or a coffee occasionally, along with appointments'. If you're someone who's able to gain access to care, is it possible to have someone to come in to care for you and your home (do the housework, social visit, take you out to appointments etc). My Aged Care access begins at 65. While my mum accessed this service in many ways, what came out of it was a carer who our family is still friends with after my mum's passing. She's a truly beautiful human being who made a massive difference to my mum. My mother always looked forward to spending time with her. Finding a carer who's a real gem may involve a bit of trial and error.
With a sense of loss comes an empty space. When there is little to nothing positive to fill that space with, what is left in our life can become our sole focus. Even if what fills one space involves something such as time researching what anti inflammatory foods looks like, it can be time well spent while leading to the acknowledgement 'I am a researcher'. By the way, 'fair weather friends' tend to also inflame us in many ways.
