I lost the love of my love 7 weeks ago and am feeling very lost

[Lost66]

I lost my husband 7 weeks ago, although he was ill his death was very sudden, we had been together for 32 years.  My hubby was 52 when he passed away.  He was my best friend and the love of my life, I am feeling very lost without him.  I know people say give it time but for me the pain is more now than when he first passed.  The hardest things I have found are not having someone to share your life with,  to hold hands and cuddle.  The little things that I guess we all take for granted, going out instead of two their is now only one.  How do people get over their grief?   We have two beautiful children who are older and who have also been traumatised by the passing of my hubby so I try to be strong in front of them but I am finding this harder and harder to do.   Does anyone have any advice, I guess I am hoping that others will be able to share their stories and that maybe this will help  me to understand grief.

[Paul]

Hi Lost66

HUGS - I'm so sorry that you've lost your love. I can feel from reading your post that it's extremely painful and confusing. Especially thinking of being one instead of two. My heart goes out to you.

There are some great resources on the Beyond Blue website for people who have lost someone. In the menus at the top "The facts" then "Grief and loss". These resources will help to explain such things that you've raised like feeling worse now than when your husband passed.

Losing someone and the natural emotional response to that which is grief, is painful. It's a special time where being everything to yourself and nurturing yourself is really helpful. This helps you stay physically healthy as well as emotionally able to grieve for your loss.

If things become too much, there's the support line here, also you may wish to consider talking to a counselor or a close friend. It's really helpful to "stay in touch" with how you're feeling if you can chat with someone you trust.

In time the pain and memories will move into your heart and become sunshine again

[Neil_1]

Dear Lost66

I’d really like to welcome you to Beyond Blue and to thank you for coming here.  I’d also like to express my condolences to you for the very sad loss of your husband.  Oh my gosh, just 7 weeks ago – that is NO time at all.  I can so understand how awful this would be for you, as it is still only very fresh and raw for you.

I’ve had similar experiences over the years and I’ve learned that people who make comments usually are well meaning, but unless they’ve been there, those comments can actually be hurtful;  comments like give it time, I feel aren’t helpful at all.

I lost my Dad (almost 8 years ago) and my Mum, one year ago (and also my closest brother, 24 years ago).  To me, I still grieve immensely for them and for each one it is bloody tough – as I was fortunate that I had awesome relationships with my two parents as well as my bro.

I also saw how incredibly tough things were for my Mum when Dad passed – they were married for 53 years, and I hear you loud and clear when you say things like:  both going out, say shopping and then they’d sit down at a coffee shop together;  or at home, Mum would then have to just cook for herself – and just so many other things.

If I can suggest a couple of things, it would be to surround yourself as much as you possibly can with loved ones.  Your children (and if they have partners, etc) can be a huge source of positive support.  But also your own friends – I know my Mum had some long time friends, and they all did things or met up from time to time – just to help Mum out.

I hope that some of this message has been a little helpful and please take care, each and every day.  Write back here as often as you wish as well.  It’s a great environment, you can feel safe and comfortable here and unload as much as you wish, people here will advise if we can, but above all else, offer great support.

Please remember also that grief is an individual thing and everybody grieves differently – so please don’t feel concerned about how you are feeling – it’s an awful process that we all have to go through.

Kind regards

Neil

[White_Rose]

Dear Lost

Welcome. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Neil has talked about this in his usual lovely way and there is little I can add. I want you to know I am sending you a big hug.

Like Neil both my parents have died plus one of my sisters. And although it's not exactly the same, I separated from my husband 15 years ago so I get the bit about being a pair reduced to a single.

One thing I have found with grief such as yours is being able to talk about the other person. You say you need to be strong for your children and I understand this as I have four children. But don't be too strong. Let your children grieve with you and let them know you are also grieving.I know it sounds obvious about your grief but sometimes people do not know how to approach you. Do they mention the person who has gone or not. We are not good at this.

Talk about your husband and the things you used to do. Not all the time but now and then. It's not that you have forgotten him that you need to remember. It is good to think about the fun times, also the small disasters that happen in all families which later made you smile.

He is still there in your heart and mind and I believe you can get some comfort by recalling your life together. It is very hard for you and I wish we could get over our griefs easily, but then we would also get over our love for each other easily and I don't think we want this.

Please write in as often as you feel the need. We are here to help and support you.

Much love

Mary

[Guest_1055]

Hello

I am also so so sorry for your loss of your best friend and the love of your life. I even went to sleep last night with you on my heart, hoping you were OK. With hugs to you.

Shelley anne

[Lost66]

Thank you for all of your support it has really helped, sometimes it just gets so lonely but knowing that I can come onto the site and get support from wonderful people has really helped.