I lost my best friend 2 months ago

[Domi]

I met my best friend at 4 years old, we instantly became inseparable and stayed that way for the past 20 years.

Our mums used to joke that we would end up together when we grew up (He is a boy, and I’m a girl) but somewhere along the line they realise that we were truly more like twins than anything. 

We told each other everything, probably too open about some topics. He had Autism, ADHD, and ticks. He also struggled with addiction and mental health problems.

I have PTSD and severe anxiety and depression but have been managing the past few years, honestly since he’s been gone I’ve noticed how much his ticks kept me regulated and I find it hard to settle myself down. 

Weirdly we just understood everything about each other and knew exactly how to handle each other’s emotions and reactions, we were each others safe spaces and favourite person, We were there for every moment of our lives and I cannot express how much this beautiful man meant to me. 

2 months ago my BFF passed away unexpectedly, he overdosed on a dangerous concoction of drugs and alcohol. He struggled with addiction for several years but had been sober for the past few months and was attending regular meetings and taking his medication.

It was simply one night of relapse, he had filmed a video explaining that he felt guilty and intended on calling his mum and restarting his sobriety in the morning.

Unfortunately one of the drugs he took was known to be “faulty” and had even caused an overdose a few nights before. 

The person who organised this drug for my friend was warned to stay with him and to provide Narcan incase of an overdose.

I’m not sure whether my friend was warned of this before he took it, the other person did not stay, no narcan was present, and no one checked on him the following day. 

(this is one of the hardest facts to process - I did not know anything had happened until the day after he passed)

I cannot believe this is real and it’s taken so long for me to come to terms with the fact I cannot see him anymore or that it could have been prevented. I have been visiting his mother and son but each time I see them I spend the next day mourning everything again.

I’ve been horrible to my boyfriend and I can feel my depression and anxiety worsening, I find it hard to see people or leave the house to walk the back streets to my boyfriend’s house. I feel explosive and

I’m not eating or sleeping as much as I should. I’ve been seeing a doctor and started psychology again but i’m struggling so much.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there,

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for trusting us with something so deeply personal.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your best friend. From what you have shared with us, it sounds like the two of you had an incredibly special bond, and losing someone who has been such a constant in your life is an enormous loss. It also sounds like you are carrying a lot of grief alongside feelings of shock and unanswered questions about what happened. That can make it especially hard to process everything. It's good to hear you have already reached out to your doctor and started seeing a psychologist again. While it may not ease the pain straight away, you don't have to carry this on your own, and it's okay to lean on those supports while you navigate your grief.

Please be gentle with yourself. Grief can affect our sleep, appetite, emotions, and relationships, and none of that means you're grieving "wrong." If things start to feel too overwhelming, or you'd like some extra support between appointments, you can contact Griefline at 1300 845 745, available 7 days a week from 8am to 8pm and you can also contact the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 22 4636.

We are really glad you have found your way here, and you are welcome to keep sharing with the community whenever you need to.

[therising]

Domi, my heart goes out to you so much, so very much. I wish there was something I could say to help take away some of the overwhelming pain and heartbreak you're feeling. 

From my own experience, I'd say the loss of someone we love so much can become what feels like a cruel learning experience. Learning how to live without them on a daily basis can be so incredibly painful. Just when you think 'Okay, I've got this' and the pain has lessened after some months, suddenly something new to learn comes up and you can be in tears again. From a few tears through to uncontrollably sobbing depends on what there is to learn. I'd say one of the toughest learning experiences in life involves losing the person who was so much all rolled into one. When they were our guide, our comic relief (when we desperately needed a laugh), the person who felt as deeply as we did, someone we had the strongest soulful connection with, the person who wondered with us as to why we were suffering so much at times, the person who just got us and so much more, the loss is enormous in so many different ways.

Domi, I think it's important to mention too how such a loss has the potential to take us down a pretty dark rabbit hole. While I've lost this person who I was close to just over a year ago, it's only now that a lot of stuff is surfacing. Stuff like 'Why don't I feel loved as much by others?', 'How the hell do I develop my self esteem, when they were the only person who could lead me to develop it?', 'Why the heck is my self esteem so low to begin with?', 'When they were the person who fully accepted who I naturally am, who am I now without them?' and the list goes on and on. It can become such a 'dark night of the soul' time in life but with the potential to bring us to life in ways we could never have imagined (once we come out of that dark time). 

Losing the person we loved the most in life can be challenging in so many way, too many to count. We have got to be patient and kind to ourself while we're learning not just how to live without them but also learning who we truly are in the process. From learning how to walk past their house without crying through to learning how to restructure our life, there's just so much. Btw, I've found it can't hurt to learn or teach ourself how meditate on imagining meeting with that person we love while asking them for guidance. While we once walked through a physical doorway when visiting them while they were here, a doorway in our mind becomes the next best thing. Greet your friend with tears if you wish, along with gratitude, love and so much more. And if anyone says 'You can't do that, that's insane', that's their opinion. What's important is that you find what works for you. 

Domi, again my heart goes out to you so much, especially while you face learning one of the most incredible things about yourself and that is how completely and deeply you can love a person.❤️