I am lost

Lee313 · ‎06-09-2019

My Nan had a massive Stroke around 2 months ago that took basically the whole right side of her brain. She was a fit and healthy 83 year old woman. She is paralyzed on her left side and can no longer speak and they did not expect her to survive the Acute phase, but she did and made it all the way to rehab. In the last few days she has been switched to Palliative care and will be gone within the next week. I am absolutely devastated. She is my best friend and like a mother to me. I love her so dearly, I am just completely heart broken. I am going to see her every day, but watching her deteriorating is cruel. She is the most kind, selfless and beautiful person I have ever met. She does not deserve to die like this. I want to wake up from this nightmare. When she had the stroke, I grieved knowing I would never hear her voice again and would never see her return to what she was. Now I am sick to my stomach knowing for the first time in the 23 years I've been alive, she will not be there for Christmas or my next birthday. I will never hear her voice again, or hold her hand, I will never get anpther hug or kiss and she doesn't get to watch my daughter grow. She is also leaving behind her husband of over 6 decades. I don't know how to cope with the pain. It comes in waves and it is unbearable. I don't want her to go, I am cherishing the time I have left with her, but it is not enough. I am studying full time and starting a new job on Monday, I don't know how to cope with all of this. I just want her to stay with me.

Peppermintbach · ‎07-09-2019

Hi Lee,

I felt your heartbreak, and I felt your grief, fears and deep love through your words. I know it’s absolutely heart wrenching watching loved one deteriorate...

Most of all though, I felt your enormous love and closeness to her through your words, as well as your deep, deep sadness...I think it’s beautiful and precious that you are spending as many moments with her as you can in her final days...

I know that there’s nothing that I can say that will make things better. But I am listening. I am caring, and I’m holding space for you to voice your love and your grief here in any way you choose.

I am thinking of you...

Pepper

paddyanne · ‎07-09-2019

Dear Lee313. I feel for you in this. It must be heartbreaking beyond belief knowing she won't see your daughter grow and share her joys as she did yours. I lost my beloved nan when I was 19 so I know where you are. I too was devastated as she had been my rock during some turbulent times in my life. I do actually hear my nan talking to me in my heart. I hear her voice guiding and helping. If you can learn to listen to your heart, you will always hear her. Through her wisdom and love, you will pass this onto your daughter and she will know her g'nana as you do. Our ancestors never leave us completely. We go through life with wisdom that they taught us. Your nana is so proud of your achievements and she wouldn't want you to stop living. Keep doing all you can to get on and keep her love in your heart. If possible can you access YouTube. There is a song called 'You Will Never Grow Old' it's sung by Nat King Cole and it covers these emotions you're feeling. I often listen to it and it brings my dad and my nana close. Your nana is closing her eyes for the last time, however she is going to a better place where she will no longer suffer. Your g'father now needs you, he needs the love and he wants to share your daughter. He loves you as she did, through him you will retain the closeness you shared with your nana.

Lee313 · ‎09-09-2019

Thank you so much for the kind words. Sadly she passed away on Saturday morning and it was devastating. I got to sit with her for a while after she'd gone and she looked very peaceful, no longer in pain and struggling to breathe. It is very hard and I am still in disbelief that she is really gone. She was beautiful and all I can hope is that she comes to visit me or my little girl one day.

Lee313 · ‎09-09-2019

Thank you so much. Sadly she left us on Saturday morning. She went peacefully without a struggle. It was just awful watching her deteriorate. It was much easier to see her after she passed because sje was no longer struggling or in pain. It is going to be very hard without her here.

paddyanne · ‎09-09-2019

Hi Lee313. Please accept my sincerest condolences. It is a bit easier for you knowing her pain has ended. I suggest you watch you daughter for signs of your nana being in her. Each time someone passes, part of them lives on in the next generation. You have retained much of your nana's wisdom, your daughter has yours and your nana's wisdom in her. As she grows and becomes more beautiful, you will see your nana in her. She hasn't left you, just her pain and suffering. She will never leave you, you have her in your heart and she has passed on so much to you. She taught you to be who you are kind, loving, caring, a great mother. These qualities are her bequest to you. My nana showed me how to love unconditionally, your nana showed you she believed in you. Never stop talking to her and sharing your everyday life with her.

Philomena · ‎09-10-2019

Hi lee

sorry to hear about your Nan. I understand what you feel .

Losing someone you love is the hardest thing to bear . The pain can never be taken away but you need to accept it slowly it may take time .

Try to involve yourself in activities you like develop new skills for yourself, new friends and keep your mind active .

Stay strong .