Grieving the loss of my sister, dad and grandparents from over 13 years ago.

[Chae]

Hey everyone,

I’ve just joined this community and thought it was time that I try and reach out or open up about my emotions.

18 years ago I was born a triplet. One of my sisters passed away months later as a result of being premature and having a bad heart. In that process, my Dad was told that I should’ve died, I wasn’t breathing and was in an induced coma. Honestly, the guilt I feel is earth shattering when I think of her passing on but not me.

Then, 2 years go by and we learn that my Dad has cancer, more specially melanoma. He had numerous melanomas pop up around his body which killed him by the time I was 4.

When I was about 7 my nan had passed away from cancer too.

Prior to being born, 2 of my grandparents were already passed.

I’m 18 and have been feeling their losses significantly every minute, especially in the last couple of years. I can’t escape it. It’s as if I hadn’t dealt with it until now. I find it hard to not think about these days. I find it difficult to not feel guilty. I find it tremendously difficult to feel some type of happiness. I’m at quite a low point of my life, if I’m completely honest. I thought I may as well try and reach out on here before it becomes too much.

I have my sister and mum left but any other family members i have had left our family for numerous reasons. I guess I’m just trying to find a way to not feel so alone, so dark and empty.

If anyone has any advise or feels similar, please let me know.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate it greatly.

[smallwolf]

Hi Chae,

welcome to beyond blue.

I read your story. And the bit what your father said and how it made you feel. How old were you when you he told you? (If I can ask.) For myself, should is a 'bad' word. I will say things like "I should have ..." or "I should be able..." so has a negative connotation. I then have to try to reframe that thought. Or find another way to tell the story. Even so, belief in the reframed or other story may take time. In your story, you were not breathing and in an induced coma, so yours is also a story of survival, courage, fighting, and a gift to your parents.

People also process grief or loss in different ways, sometimes not at the time when it occurs but later on. It is likely there others here on the forum like yourself. I also work in a parish admin role, and there are people I have spoken to like you, though much older and have not gotten over the loss of someone for many and varied reasons.

Bit if you were asking me what you could do... start with the K10 test on the beyond blue web site. If you are at high school or Uni you might be able to talk to a counsellor.

If there was only one thing that I have learnt from my own experience, it is this - there are people (both here and professionally) that want to help us live a normal as possible life. And that is something I would like to pass onto you.

Tim

[Chae]

Hey Tim,

I was actually told those things by my Mum about 2 years ago.

He didn’t have the time to tell me unfortunately.

I completely see how saying things like “I should’ve” is negative. I appreciate the tips.

I like the way that you see my story, however, I can’t help but see it as a mistake. Does that make any sense?

It does give me relief to hear that you’ve met people who grieve at different times, for different lengths.

I’ve just done the K10 test, thank you for the advice, maybe I’ll do just that.

I greatly appreciate you taking the time to reply, for the advice and just for listening, it means a lot.

Charlotte.