Grieving one's self

[Takoyaki]

Hi there,

I was diagnosed firstly with ADHD. This was something I could identify with. Then after two hospital stays I was further diagnosed with Bipolarity and then ASD. Big markers in your life. I also was successful if you could it that with the DSP. I am losing myself. My brother was killed in 2013 and I was abused by my father. I guess I never really took the fact of my trauma from the abuse given the realtively new diagnosies of me being in my 50s. I have always considered myself young at heart and have great natural connections with the young, animals and seniors. But I am truly lost in all of this.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing this so openly. There is a lot in what you’ve been through, and it makes sense that it would feel overwhelming.

Receiving multiple diagnoses later in life can really shift how you see yourself and your past. It can bring up questions like “Who am I really?” and “What has shaped me?” On top of that, carrying the loss of your brother and the impact of abuse from your father is a lot for one person to hold. It’s understandable that it might feel like everything is catching up at once.

When you say you feel like you’re losing yourself, that really stands out. It sounds like you’re trying to make sense of your identity while also processing trauma that perhaps didn’t have space to be fully understood before.

I also want to reflect something back to you. You describe yourself as someone who connects naturally with others, across all ages and with animals. That warmth and ability to connect is still part of you, even if things feel unclear right now. Sometimes when everything feels shaken, those core parts can feel harder to access, but they don’t disappear.

It’s really positive that you’ve been able to access support in the past, and it could be helpful to have a space now where you can gently explore both your diagnoses and your past experiences with someone trained in trauma-informed care. Services like the Blue Knot Helpline (1300 657 380) specialise in supporting people with complex trauma and could be a good place to start. You’re also always welcome to reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service on 1300 224 636 if you feel like talking things through.

You’re not alone in feeling this way, even though it can feel very isolating. Thank you again for trusting the community with your story. If you feel up to it, you’re very welcome to keep sharing.

Kind regards,
Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Takoyaki

My heart goes out to you so much as you manage to make sense of so much trauma while trying to gain a liberating sense of who you naturally are. These are two massive undertakings, not small or basic by any means. You need to give yourself credit for stepping foot on the path of greater self understanding. Such a challenging path, for sure.

While you have some understanding of who you naturally are (young at heart with a great natural connection with the young, animals and seniors), an extended understanding can relate to who many of us were to begin with. As small children, a lot of us began as wonderful (full of wonder), curious, energetic, questioning, challenging, open minded, imaginative and more. For one reason or another, we can lose a number of those traits or natural abilities but all is not lost. We can regain them under certain circumstances. A longing to regain them or return to them is a good start. I imagine you're somewhat of a 'sensitive'. If you're a bit of a reader, 'Sensitive Is The New Strong' by Anita Moorjani is an interesting read.

I think something to keep in mind can involve how we're taught to manage and practice our abilities or not taught. How are we taught to manage and practice a sense of wonder, a sense of curiosity, a sense of energy,  a sense of open mindedness, a sense of imagination and more? In other words, how are we taught to fully come to our senses? How are we taught to master the energy that runs through us (mental, physical and natural), master the ability to feel or sense so much and master all other things worth mastering? Are we taught anything other than 'You have a problem' or 'You have all these faults', as opposed to 'You have all these unmastered abilities that are making your life somewhat of a hell on earth experience'?