Grief, depression & suicidal thoughts

[Nutella01]

Hi, I'm 18 yrs old and new to this forum. I'm in my first year at uni and I live at a residential college about 3 hours from home.

Just over 7 weeks ago my dog passed away. She meant everything to me and her death was so sudden and such a shock because she was perfectly healthy, I was a mess for weeks after and just couldn't cope with her being gone. I saw a counselor after a few weeks of grieving because I was just not feeling any better and my mood was not improving at all, I was barely sleeping, I was still crying every day, and I was just not coping well with life. I was having suicidal thoughts and was thinking of ways to end my life.

I then saw a GP and have been on 2 different sleeping tablets over the past 3 weeks but they only work for one or two nights before they stop working. I've been on antidepressants for 2 weeks but I don't feel these have made any change to my mood at all. I am just feeling very down and hopeless and exhausted all day. I don't have anything to look forward to in life, and I dread having to go back home because last time I went home, I hated being there without my dog and I really struggled to cope and it just made me feel worse. I find it so hard to talk to my parents about what I feel, I don't want them to overreact or make a fuss, or come up to see me at all or phone me heaps. I also just don't think they'll understand what goes through my head all day.

I am trying to go to uni to distract myself and to try not get too far behind, but I am finding it so hard to concentrate on my work, I keep zoning out and thinking about life and dying, and about my dog. I am quite far behind at uni but I am past the point of caring about much anymore. I just feel like every day is the same, nothing seems to get better, and I don't see any point in continuing to live if this is what I feel like every day. I am so unmotivated to do anything and I just feel like my life is meaningless and nothing I do matters anymore.

I have been looking up methods of suicide and I am often thinking about ways to end my life, to stop the pain and all these thoughts that are in my head all day. A week ago I got quite bad and wanted to run away anywhere out of this place, I just couldn't handle it anymore, but I managed to force myself to stay and tried to distract myself to stop the thoughts.

I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm feeling so hopeless and down and exhausted all the time, and just needed to get it all out. Sorry for the long post.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Nutella01, 

Please don't apologise, the loss of a pet is extremely traumatic - they are family at the end of the day. We are so glad you have reached out to our community for support, please know that you're not alone and we're all going to help support you through this. 

I'm just writing to let you know our Support Service are going to send you an email as we are worried about you. 

Be gentle with yourself at the moment, our community is here for you. 

[Croix]

Dear Nutella01~

I'd like to join Sophie in welcoming you here to the Forum. There are many here, me included, who know how a pet can enter deep into out hearts. When they pass away there is an enormous hole that simply can't be filled. Their habits personality and way they do things, likes and dislikes, are unique

Our dog died around 3 months ago and now only exists as a memory. It can be very hard for some people who do not form these deep attachments to understand how one feels

Do you mind if I make some suggestions? The first is to see uni Student Services and ask for extensions or a deferment. Having to worry about your studies is extra pressure you don't need at the moment. I'm not suggesting you give up, but keep working without the constant worry of deadlines. As you are finding it is a distraction.

The second thing is to get the proper support. Suicidal thought are at times very real and seem to stop all idea of life getting better - an escape. Something I too have felt. The hard thing is to realize life does change and get better, even if hard to imagine at the moment. I'd suggest you tell your doctor and see what can be done with meds and counseling. Meds can take a lot longer than 2 weeks to take effect, so please don't give up on the dose you are taking now. You have to give them time, even if you need them right now.

Counseling is not a quick fix and the therapist won't be able to supply words that instantly make you feel better. With luck though it can let you start to see there are possibilities in life in the future. Graduation, an interesting worth while job, even romance.

All the things you feel now, the greif, nothing matters, getting behind in uni and life, they are all to be expected when one suffers great loss. You do have surprising strength inside you, just as I found I did.

I don't blame you for not wanting to talk to your parents, however you might like to reconsider, having people love you, even if they make a fuss, is really a wonderful thing. Being alone is a bad place to be.

On a practical matter, please consider a Safety Plan, there is a good one here that goes on your phone:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

If a friend can help you fill it in so much the better. You fill it full of all sorts of surprising stuff, not just phone numbers, though here is one I suggest:

Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467 -they are a comfort

We really would like to here more from you

Croix

[Birdy77]

Dear Nutella,

I would like to join Sophie and Croix in saying how deeply I understand your intense grief, and to offer you support and friendship here.

Our dogs are not only family, but our best friends. To lose them is huge. My dog passed away 19 months ago and I miss him every single day still. When he passed away, it brought on a huge wave of grief and sadness that led me back into depression - I understand what you are feeling.

Croix and Sophie have offered you practical support, I am here to offer another supportive, listening, caring shoulder to cry on.

We are here for you.

🌻birdy