Fed up crying

[annhd]

I'm new here but desperately need someone to talk to, to offload. I have been married for 36yrs but the last 14 have been hell. He has lied and cheated and left me feeling so low and unwanted. We had 3 kids and now I have 4 grandchildren and if it wasn't for them, who knows what. My husband always found someone in his office to start an emailing affair with and i always found out, even when he worked overseas but there it got personal, actual affairs. We would separate and he would always end up coming back telling me he loved me and didn't want anyone else but there was a catch. He is diabetic and had trouble in the bedroom, but it didn't seem to stop him trying with other women but I got told he wasnt interested in sex anymore. I tried getting him to get us help but he would get angry and tell me to just accept he had no interest. Liar!! what he means is he has no interest with me. After his last email affair with a work collegue that I found out about, I got angry and threw him out and sent an email to all his bosses. He was afraid he would lose his job and ended up going to counselling with me. We ended up moving to Africa with his work, a new start he said but after 3 months I was coming home to see the kids and the night before I left I saw an email he had sent to a woman asking her to meet him in Singapore where he was going for a meeting so once again I told him it was over.We were apart for about 2yrs, I was living back in Perth and he was in Africa and then got a move to Singapore. We eventually started emailing back and forth and he was telling me how depressed he was and he wanted to prove to me that I was what he wanted. He was getting a move with his work to New Zealand and he wanted me to go to. He came home for a week or so and everything seemed fine, I asked him if he had anything to tell me about any relationships he had while we were apart and of course he said there was nothing, he wasn't interested in anyone. I told him I would move but we would have to get some proffessional help for our relationship and he agreed. So like an idiot I moved to NZ. Things went well, we got on well but he didn't make a move to get help, I asked and asked. Then one day while I was clearing out some of the removalists boxes I came across a pack of viagra with one tablet left, i questioned him and he said it was old, from Africa. I knew he was lying because the foil was still like new. Then I was on his computer one day and found some emails and photos of when he lived in Singapore, he had a girlfriend when he was there! They got very personal and in the emails he was telling her how he enjoyed kissing and carressing and that the only reason he wasn't divorced was financial reasons, it would cost him too much. As i was reading all this I was crying. I packed my stuff and came back to Perth. He ended up changing jobs and coming back to Perth, we still had our house here and he moved in downstairs. I can't understand how he could try so hard with other women but not for me, the one he keeps saying he wants to spend the rest of his life with. He has since went to work in America for 6months, it is over, I had enough of his lies and I told him this before he left. I am just so hurt. To crown it all off, my daughter is now in prison for drugs. She has been since Sept last year and will be released December 2014. She had a baby girl who is now 1yr old and I have been visiting them twice a week since Sept. She has changed, learnt her lesson and will never go back, I know this. I just feel like I am here for everyone else but no-one gives a toss about me. I am so down I just cry and cry if it wasn't for my grandkids I think I would just disappear, run away somewhere where nobody knows me. I am fed up pretending, putting on a smile if I step out the door, smiling if I meet  someone I know telling them it's OK. It's not OK. My life wasn't meant to be like this. Why wasn't I enough? I tried everything. Now I am left here I feel alone. I feel nobody wants me. I wouldn't do anything stupid to myself, my daughter and granddaughter count on me. I am fed up crying and crying.

[BenD]

Dear Annhd,

All those lies and deception, he sounds like a terrible person. It's not fair on you for him to keep coming back again and again for a 'new start', leaving you hanging whilst  following his own narcissistic pursuits. The fact that he kept on doing it says loads about the respect he commands (or lack-there-of).

Sometimes the only thing to do is realise that you don't have the time in your life for those kind of people. I know it sounds hard, seeing as you've dedicated so much time to his problems, but you've neglected yourself in doing so.

I can tell from your writing that you are a very selfless, modest and trusting  person. If the world had more people like you then it would be a much better place.

However, you can't help anyone else, i.e. your grandkids, until you help yourself. You've done the right thing coming to these forums. People here listen. It's a fantastic resource.

I'm fairly new here as well, with my own set of problems, but I've found that combining this with other structures like professional help multiplies the benefits. Have you reached out to anyone like that?

After all, a burden shared is a burden halved.

Here and listening should you need me,

Ben