Darker than black.

[jayboyblue]

Hello everyone,

I have been getting told by my close friends that I need to begin some sort of counseling and support since the tragedy i experienced in October. My mother had cancer (originally vulva cancer), which was successfully removed with minor difficulties. Things were on the mend for about 16 months until last October when I received the dreaded phone call from my brother who was under the impression that it was serious but not dire, when he told me that I need to make arrangements and travel interstate to say goodbye to our mum.

The cancer had resurfaced in her pancreas and in under 20 days it spread to her liver and dispersed into her blood stream. By the time i arrived at her side she had under two hours left of her life. I was immediately spoken to regarding the prospect of euthanasia (which i understood was illegal )? However when my personal analysis of the entire situation was complete i could see why that horrible topic was brought up?

I don't know what part exactly has disturbed me the most? The confrontation of crying relatives and sad combined energy, the state of her ? or the shock of seeing my mum try to communicate with me in short 10 second intervals before the medication took over her cognitive functionality, she looked like a hippie (I'll never forget her eyes)! I would not wish it upon anyone.

That night after she died i sat with my siblings while they engaged in the "blame game" fuled by unresolved conflict and alcohol and that numbing benediction of unnecessary drama never gets any less tedious. I sat there in shock, complete disbelief, that visceral raw emotional pain that I refuse to expel in front of most people.

Being the first born in my family i felt it was paramount that I allow everyone else to break down around me while I jumped into a more caretaker type role. Subconscious denial can be a powerful coping mechanism i guess? I felt every burning emotional sub set listed in fact i even felt others that are a little too dark for any list of symptoms associated with death.

almost two months on and i am unsure what stage I'm in now? I'm not eating, sleeping nor taking appropriate steps for recovery. In a way it's like i chose euthanasia for myself? Secret permission to leave this nightmare. In silence with my demons.

Jay

[geoff]

Hello Jay, once again I'm really sorry that no one has replied back to you, but much more concerned about the passing of your dear mum, a terrible way for anybody to have to suffer from and go through how this awful disease slowly destroys us.

To be the eldest doesn't necessarily mean you have to look after everyone else, but it was a strong brave move to do so and I'm sure you were much appreciated, but what this means is that you've forgotten about looking after yourself, and now the reality has sent in, making you realise that sadly your mum isn't with you anymore and are now feeing the consequences.

Jay you don't have to suffer by yourself, if you do then you will only get worse, and I know that grieving can be very lonely, but try and open your heart up to your doctor, to begin with, because at the moment the comfort and reassurance to your family has slowed down as you are now feeling the effects yourself.

You don't want to have these demons to face let your doctor refer you to a psychologist who can help you talk through your emotions, please don't struggle through these by yourself.

My apologies.

Geoff.

[jayboyblue]

Thank you so much for your kindness Geoff. It means a lot that you took the time to write this to me. I had a wonderful psychologist named Karen. I have been trying to get in to see her but something must of happened in her world? As she's on some kind of extended leave, god i hope she's ok? She was one of those rare women you meet who exude a real honest energy about her. I will ring again this week but I'm bankrupt unfortunately so i need to go through the whole process of finding another one through the medicare rebate thing, and unfortunately all these hurdles keep popping up that seem to block me from making progress?

My life has been like a curse straight from the pages of goetia in last few years. Especially since finding out that I'm am also gonna die young from something just as bad as cancer.

But i won't dwell on that too much. Just trying to take it one day at a time. Thanks again for your kindness mate.

[geoff]

Hi Jay, I'm really so sorry for what you have been through and realise that going bankrupt may get you out of a massive financial problem, but can also make it just a little difficult, however, I had a friend who was in the same position but he has coped pretty well and settled down.

You are such a kind person worrying about Karen, but unfortunately, hit by difficult times, and that makes your situation sad, especially knowing that something is slowly ending your life, that upsets me, and if you want to talk about this, please can I say that I am more than happy to listen to you, this will depend on whether you want to, but please talk to me.

Take care.

Geoff.