Coping with the loss of my dad

[Jen78]

3 weeks ago my family and I lost my dad to cancer after a 2 year battle. My mum was his primary carer and also my absolute hero. Seeing him in so much pain was terrible but his passing has given us some comfort he is no longer in pain. I live alone but spent several weeks with my family. Now I am back home and getting back into work it literally does not feel real. I feel like I don't cry enough. I do have some moments where I break down but then soon after I feel better. It seems to come in waves. Living alone with not much of a social life is hard, and I do spend as much time with my family during this time but also understand we need our own space too. This is the first time I have experienced loss.

[white knight]

Hi guest, welcome

Grieve in your own way.

When my brother passed my parents fell in a heap. It was left to me to be the strong one.

I didn't grieve for many months.

Grief, the way you grieve is a very personal thing. We should never judge another as being strong or not grieving for their loss.

Keep busy, have projects and when you do feel sad write your feelings down. I write poetry. Give it a try.

Time will be your friend.

Tony WK

[Jen78]

Thank you. This was very helpful. Tony was my dads name too. I am very sorry for your loss too.

Jeni

[Neil_1]

Hi there Jeni

Please accept my sincere condolences for the loss of your wonderful Dad.

It’s only been 3 weeks, so everything is very new and everything is very raw and hard and sad. This is the pain that we go through when we lose someone who means so much to us. It hurts and it hurts bad. I’ve had 3 such losses, so I have a very good understanding of what you’re experiencing.

The option of crying (I feel like I don’t cry enough), I’ve had that too – but then there’ll be something that will happen, that will trigger it and as you’ve also mentioned, you’ll break down and let it out for a while. That is beneficial but also at the same time, exhausting – to let the tears flow and they rack your body, afterwards you feel a little better, but also a bit tired from it, especially if you really do ‘let go’.

Are your work ‘ok’ with you and realise what’s happened, so that if you’re not feeling the best, that you are able to have day off here or there or at least some time away for a while to be by yourself? That can be a big help if this happens.

A lot of people begin writing a journal or even letters to the person who has passed – writing of the wonderful times, the thoughts you have of them; while it can be hard, emotional and traumatic, it can have beneficial effects as well; as you’re doing something in memory of them; just something for yourself, that no-one else needs to see.

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[Jen78]

Hi Neil

Also passing my condolences for the losses you have experienced. I agree with the triggers and some of them are simple things like seeing something he owned or used. I have had a few emotional hangovers when I have my cries but they do seem to help.

Surprisingly work has been my sanctuary as I work with children and its been a great distraction and keeps me busy, work have been very understanding and tomorrow we are holding the biggest morning tea to raise money for cancer council, and last weekend I participated in the Run for a Reason ( walk ) and raised more for the same cause.

It makes me feel like I am doing something to help.

Jeni

[Neil_1]

Hi Jeni

Great to read your latest response.

I know exactly what you mean with regard to work – though it’s that dreaded 4-letter word that we always moan about, at times, when you’d probably least expect it, it can have its benefits for us. To be involved in our work, it can help exactly as you describe – because it can be a form of distraction. Others with strong cases of depression and the like, work can be a great mechanism for removing them from the harshness of their illness.

Something owned, something used – a song they liked, a show, a movie, drink – the list goes on and on. The early times are so very hard with regard to this, but in time, the intensity level does lessen and then depending on the individual, it can continue to lessen or it just gets to a stage where you realise that no matter what, the triggers will always be there and you learn to live with it (through it).

I know that’s not the greatest scenario, but what else can you do? I think I’m talking more to myself there.

The Biggest Morning Tea and Run For A Reason – absolutely awesome things you’ve undertaken and completed. I do hope that you feel proud about these and the very special significance behind it.

A number of years ago, when I used to be able to grow hair!  I organised for my workplace, the World’s Greatest Shave (in support of leukaemia to be in memory of my Dad) and we raised a stack of money for the cause and along with myself, there were 5 others who did the shaved head thing.

I think as year’s go on, there’ll be more and more of these kinds of activities where people can donate and raise money for certain causes and the more money towards these causes, the better.

Was great to hear from you again and Jeni, please please feel free to keep writing here if you’d like to.

Neil