My brother just died a little over 2 weeks ago.
I've had a few deaths the last few years, it's always a strange feeling.
But, this is... I don't have the words.
Those first two weeks I was mostly numb. These last few days, less numb.
The arrangements have been an absolute nightmare. There's been family drama I really hoped we could all move past so we can focus on him.
My brother had problems that hid his glorious heart. Unfortunately due to years of him being in and out of my life, some quite traumatic; we grew apart.
As much as I loved him, and wanted to be able to have him in my life, I couldn't. Seeing him destroy himself and hurt the people we loved. I was always hopeful, but it was too hard.
Everytime I did see him, I hugged him, and told him I loved him.
Today I had a funny moment:
My friend asked what was happening with him.
I had a moment where I was confused, almost like I'd forgotten. For so long I was used to that question being about something he'd done or help he might've been getting or where he was staying. (In a way it was about where he was, because of the family drama... decisions haven't been finalised)
Then my brain caught up to the question and, well "He Dead".
I told my two friends I was talking to and we had a laugh.
Now I'm up late and he's back in my head. There's occasional chuckles at something he did, said or would do or say. But there's alot of tears.
I knew before but, now my emotions are just about ready.
I knew this something of emotion would come and go.
But it's so fast it hits like a tsunami. There's the warnings, the tide goes out, everything dries up, and then it comes right back devistating and flooding. (And you know it's gonna happen all over again)
Writing all this has been good.
I'm calmer now.
I know his struggles are over. And though it's gonna hurt for all the people who care, it'll get easier.
I don't know how many people can relate to this, and I don't know if it'll help. But we all experience different things in different ways.
No one can tell you how you feel about someone or something, except you! Unfortunately, there's no answer sheet, you have to do your working out.
Don't be afraid to think and talk about death. Don't be worried about appropriate.
