A message to my Mum - left this world ONE year ago :( :(

[Neil_1]

Dear Mum

You were always there for me.

Through thick and thin and wow we sure had some troubles.

When I was so young, the amount of times I cried for you when you had to leave the hospital that I was in;  you left and headed off in the dark, to catch a bus to where your parents lived.

So many trips to Sydney back and forth, for operations, for check-ups – all to see how my lip was recovering and determining for when the next operation would be.  10 operations in all – can’t count the amount of trips to Sydney;  but you were there with me every step of the way.

You also had those two awful bouts of breast cancer, together with all the treatment.

Then Dad with his two heart operations – for the 2nd one, I went to Sydney to be with you (and Dad) .

Every time Dad was admitted to hospital, you’d be there with him, by his bed-side.

In 1991, you had to bury your beloved son – which I know you (we) never got over;  how could we?   Something just impossible to do and from that tragedy, that killed off so much within all of us.  Your son, my brother – there could have been 2 drownings that day, but oh no, I was able to save myself, but I couldn’t save my best mate, my bro;  drowned at the age of 29.  Yet you never blamed me, you always stood by me and tried your best to make sure I was ok.  I wasn’t – but then, neither were you (or Dad).

Move to 2007 and we lost Dad to leukaemia – and you were then without your life partner; your soul mate – Dad.

You were a beautiful couple.  I cannot ever recall a fight between the two of you – Dad the laid-back farmer, and you were his wonderful wife, our wonderful Mum, who had to struggle through farm hardships and never having much money, but as kids, we didn’t want for nothing.

Mum, it’s coming up to a year since you’ve gone.  365 days;  almost what they call a year in our human existence – that you’ve no longer been with us.  I cannot tell you the amount of times during this time that I have wanted to call you, to talk to you, to say “hi”, to see “how you are”?

I write this now with tears streaming down my face.

I miss you Mum.

I want to ring you – I want to say “Hi” and I want to tell you I love you.  But I can’t do that and I will never be able to do that again.

I just feel so sad and empty.

I love you Mum – I will love you forever.

I miss you Mum and I will never ever stop missing you.

[Neil_1]

Hi Alan (and others),

Moving on and it’s a bit over a year and a half – nothing much changes really.

So moving on, really are just two words that one uses. A bit like when someone EVERY DAY asks, “how are you?” and the response is the ever generic, “Good thanx”, “Fine”, “Ok”, “Not bad”, “Not too bad” (my personal fave, cause there’s 3 words used).

The grief continues – the longing to see them again, to hear from them. This unfortunately for me is tripled, as it relates not only to Mum, but also to Dad and also to my brother.

This is something that I do not deal with very well – deal with my grief. I’ve tried so many methods, so many … so many everything, but after all the boiling and bubbling settles, there it still is – the grief, the hurt, the sadness and so much more, that I don’t need to go into at this time.

I’ve still got Mum’s little dog Tess who we all adore. But her arthritis is getting worse as well as she’s got some kind of old injury to her legs which, perhaps should have been addressed years ago, that is causing her problems with walking. She can get around ok, but is limpy and now can’t get up the stairs in our place, where when she first arrived (well, after a bit, she was able to). As she’d never experienced stairs before, but after a while, she was good with them.

We’ve got a new lot of tablets for her to take (the last ones reacted unfavourably with her); so hopefully these ones she can manage and if so, it could help ease her a bit. We’re so hoping that this is the case, cause otherwise, the Vet told us that if things continue on this path, we’ll have to look closely at what her quality of life is. My partner and daughter comforted me after this, cause the tears came at the implications that would bring.

I sit with her and just give her little rubs on her chest while she just sits on my lap – just ‘grinning’ away as she does.

Neil

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

welcome back. I missed you.

Enjoy spending time with Tess, you must have missed her a lot. I'm here for you.

Take care, Yggy

[blondguy]

Dear Neil & Tess

Welcome back 🙂 I just saw this post pop up and I cant even begin to comprehend your pain/grief. I do love the way you write and that first post was hard to read yet so very tenderly spoken. Your mum dad and your brother..oh Neil.

Respectfully yours

Paul

[Neil_1]

Thanx Yggy and Paul,

You know, I look back now and read that letter (from above) and think, did I really write that? But I guess I did.

I also think, wow, wouldn't that have been super special to have had Mum read it, or it to be read to her - so you could know how much she meant. Yes, she knew we loved her and how much she meant, but just to hear those words.

It's all too late now of course.

Had a bit of a low one last evening, as is my want - thoughts transcending back to Mum's final hours, etc. Why do we do that to ourselves, and indeed, so often. I don't think it's human nature, it's just the make-up of the person, cause I'm sure that a lot of others wouldn't do this kind of thing.

Again, that's just me I guess.

Thanx for listening - or actually, thanx for reading.

Neil

[geoff]

dear Neil, today is when you are supposed to have a good time, but I know that it hasn't been, and my heart feels so much for you, because it's an enormous gap that has never been able to heal, from the loss of your brother, and then your Dad passing away and now that your Mum has not been with you for over a year has caused so much pain and sorrow for you is absolutely heart breaking, as there are only very special people who are able to hold such warm thoughts about the closest family they have lost, and mourn them for not being with you.
It's a treasured memory that you are able to hold onto and now that Tess is getting old is something which you never want to happen, because she's a reminder of your lovely Mum, but you know when Tess looks at you that your Mum talking to you, and that's beautiful. Geoff.

[Guest_2350]

Dear Neil,

your Mum will always be with you in your heart and in your memories. How is little Tess?

If you feel like it at some point, no rush, it would be lovely to hear from your holiday adventures. I hope you had a lovely time with your family and everything went smoothly. How have you found it coming back home?

Take care, Yggy