Wrong

[Murmur]

I know that I need help. But I am too afraid to talk. I hate talking. Phones. People. It is easier to just be polite and pretend I am fine. But I am not coping.

[geoff]

dear Murmur, is this why you like this site, I hope so.

You are caught in a catch 22 situation at the moment.

We can act with a fake personality for a few years, but finally we crack, and then we don't do this any more, it's too painful, and we collapse so that everyone can see how depressed we are.

Why don't do try and talk to the salvos or maybe a community centre, where they have counsellors, it will be less formal, and try to ease in to counselling.

We do get to hate talking to people day in, day out but there comes a point that we have to do it, and your not coping now, but imagine yourself in a couple of years, and I don't want this happen.

Please reply back to us. L Geoff. x

[MaryC]

Hi Murmur,  I agree, it is tricky to find the right type of person to talk with, but trust me, you will find that person.  I will pray that you will find a way not to bottle this inwardly for much longer.  I am not a deeply religious person, but I attend a small group about Health and spiritual matters, started up by a friend and I find it helpful and enlightening.  Keep tapping away my friend, it will happen.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Murmur,

When you pretend to be fine you become professional at it.     Maybe when someone has a go at you, in your serious condition (but masked within your pretence), you will totally lose it or dig deeper into the charade.      When this happens you can be three way angry: (1)  At being sick, (2) At hiding the sickness, and (3) At not getting the right attention because you are hiding a real sickness.

For me, I do the same.      In the end something really bad will happen and I'll be stuck in the psychiatric ward again to recover.     Even if one attempts suicide and gets treatment it still leaves a hole in communication.    Not many really know what it's like to go through that.   Like Geoff said, it's a Catch 22.

Look at it this way- many people keep their cancer a secret.   And many mothers don't mention that they are pregnant. Many teenagers don't tell parents where they are going.

Adios, David.

[Murmur]

Thankyou for your replies. 

The Salvo thing, and other charities with any religious base are not my cup of tea. Sorry, I'm actually an atheist. I also worked for one of these agencies (work for the dole) and I have misgivings. Not going into that part of my history. I know religion is a highly volatile subject and I respect you if you are, just as I wish to be respected for mine.

Um...please don't pray for me, I find that a little uncomfortable.

And my lack of religion has had people tell me that's my whole problem, it isn't, because I know many very happy, well adjusted atheists and agnostics.

I'm in a very dark place,so if I appear terse, it is the dark place. I am actually a pleasant person to be around. Or so I have been told.

Thankyou again...sorry, the more formally I write, the worse I am.

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Murmur,

I know that feeling - being imposed upon when someone says "I'll pray for you".     I believe Damien addressed this differently when he ventured that it's better if someone says "I'll pray WITH you" but it seems both of us would not accept that either.

I guess if the asking for help / visiting a medical professional / talking to a family member or friend are things that seem too hard at the moment then the religious angle just takes the biscuit.   In a worst sense it's actually a bit insulting - the fact that someone else assumes they are ready to step in and 'include" you spiritually WHEN YOU HAVEN'T ASKED FOR IT !       The choice of help and who to approach is individual not forced.

Also, you know the dark place - in a bizare sense it could be thought of as a friend.  At least, it's non threatening and won't push you into uncomfortable situations.

Adios, David.

[Pixie15]

Hi Murmur, I agree with you. I hate talking too. But what I find even harder than the talking is the doing that seems to proceed from the talking. It is very tempting to stay comfortably wretched. 

[Murmur]

Thanks for the understanding, I guess the angst is pretty useful for one thing - it does help produce some of my best artworks...but it also can produce some of my worst artwork too. It's an exhausting way to live. Exhausting and painful.