Withdrawn and non-committal due to depression?

[Guest_598]

Hello All,

I am hoping that you can help me with a bit of advice. My partner is currently going through delayed post-marriage breakdown grief. He is the one who ended it but after months and months of distraction, he is now facing the full front of pain and emotional confusion. We are keeping a distance because he has asked me for time and space. We have been absolutely wonderful together, so I am happy to do whatever is necessary and useful for his recovery. We do see each other regularly due to work arrangements and we do have a lot of nice times with a bit of a laugh and a few small touches or warm smiles here and there. I know he is not going well but we do not talk much other than work, so I cannot gauge the progress.

I have noticed that he is currently fairly withdrawn on any emotional topic and that even when we spend some time alone, he is strangely pulled back or non-committal. Then again, we kiss occasionally when the opportunity permits and it is always as beautiful as always. But then again, in other moments, he is definitely not as warm and inclusive as he used to be before he started the grieving. I would be absolutely ok with it if I knew that it is the grief "talking", so I thought I would reach out to see whether these behaviours are somewhat linked to depression and grief. It makes sense to me that he would dial everything back to the bare minimum because he cannot cope with his emotions and the confusion and chaos. Is that what is likely happening right now?

He told me he is not going well and that his head is going crazy. And I know he is looking forward to a long weekend alone soon. We had nothing negative between us and laugh together. He was very much drawn to me and I believe he was in love. Now everything is cooled down and friend-like sometimes. Then the next time, we flirt and he gets excited. It is up and down and strangely non-committal sometimes. I would just like to understand whether I need to be worried about him losing interest out of a sudden or whether it is because he is trying his best to cope with the difficult life situation. If the latter, I am happy to give him all the time and space in the world. Do you think after the grief, normal feelings return? Before the break he said it is only a see you later, not a goodbye. He felt very strongly and positively about us. At the moment, I am completely confused by this man's behaviour but I love him deeply and want to be there for him until he gets out the other end.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear AussieGal,

There is something that kind of 'stood out' to me when I read your post; and that is how you described your man being warm and affectionate one day, and then quite distant the next, yeah? (Maybe not 'daily' per say, but hopefully you get what I'm saying).

What came to mind for me is something that I read in the "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus" books, and that is that men are described in there as being a bit like a 'rubber band' in that they need to stretch away from their partner sometimes and go to their 'cave' (or their own place/space, be it mentally or physically or both) in order to come 'bouncing back' freely without feeling pressured to do so. Does that make sense?

I never understood, for myself, why the men in my life seemed to 'become distant' and then 'become close again' without any explanation, until I read those books. It helped to explain so much!

And perhaps it is possible that this grief he is feeling is making that particular 'male character' trait become ..... stronger? Or just a bit more pronounced than usual? I don't know, I hope that makes a little bit of sense anyway.

You should probably know (if you haven't realised already) that I am by no means any kind of relationship expert. Just another woman who has had male partners! And what I have learnt about men is ........ probably not much! About as much as they've learnt about me/us??!!

I know it's personal, but I find myself being a bit curious as to how long you guys have been together? And whether, or how much your physical intimacy life has been impacted by this? And does he have children, which are also a part of the equation? I know that if I was with someone who I had been sexual with, for example, and then there was no sex, I too would be thinking that he was definitely on his way away from me.

If you are confused and worried about losing him altogether, then tell him. Being direct and honest about what you are feeling is the key to finding out exactly where you stand. And perhaps you could also suggest that he could see a professional, like a counselor, to help him sort through his feelings.

Anyway, I don't know if that helps or not, but I hope it does help a little. Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Guest_598]

Thank you so much! 🙂

We have been together for nine months, but it "clicked" nearly a year ago and we knew each other for three years before that. He has a step son but he is a young adult now. Unfortunately, he took his mother's "side" and does not want to have much to do with my partner, although he found out his mother was an alcoholic and had a lot to do with the reasons for the separation. Being shut out as a step father has hurt my partner very much and I am so sad for him. He is the loveliest and warmest person, and he always cared very much. He deserves much better. Our sex life was absolutely amazing, we have both said many times that it has been the best we have both had. The only thing is that we currently do not see each other outside of work, so no private time together. That is because my partner has asked for space and time to deal with his grief and I am willing to support him and give him what he needs. We saw each other to talk about the latest status a few weeks ago. It was lovely and intimate. I believe he is suffering from depression and he is self-medicating with alcohol daily (2 beers). Today he told me that a few weekends ago, he drank quite a lot, from the early evening to midnight. He felt terrible the next day but he said he had a particularly bad day and so he did it. He says he comes home into his house which makes him feel terrible because it was the marital home and so he just wants a buzz that relaxes him.

I know that people often use alcohol as an escape during the depression phase of grief but even if that is fairly common, it is not necessarily good. He is seeing a psychologist every week and I have no doubt he has discussed this regularly but I wonder how else I could support him, e.g. by boosting his mood in other ways so he no longer feels the need so much.
I am also aware that too much care from me may make him feel worse. At the moment, I am not doing much but I believe even when I send him a little supportive message, he feels like a burden. He says he appreciates my ongoing support but he is strangely "friendly" when he writes back to me. I mean, more like he would talk to a friend than the woman he just passionately kissed when saying goodbye for the day. It is very confusing and I believe he has massive issues with self-love and self-appreciation. He does not even accept my heartfelt words about how amazing he is, he says "you're just saying that to be kind". I am not, I love him dearly.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear AussieGal,

It's great that he is seeing a psychologist. At least he is talking it through with someone. But at the same time, he seems to be trying to 'bottle up' the loneliness that he is feeling in the home.

Perhaps you could suggest that he think about making some re-arrangements in the home?! Make it more 'his' rather than what was 'theirs'. Instead of starting the evening out with drinking, he could move the furniture around, or give the house a coat of paint with some different colour or start (or reconnect with) a hobby of some sort? It could be like re-claiming his territory! I think if you suggest that though, you need to be really clear that it is a suggestion only, and not a 'must' of any kind, or that it would please you if he did that. It could/would just be to give him some way of moving forward to a new chapter. Otherwise you could suggest he consider moving out of the marital home ....... to somewhere where he can make a fresh start, but not that you both have to move in together somewhere. Just that it may help him to let go?

On another note, alcohol is a depressant (see link: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/in-focus/am-i-normal-hangover-anxiety) and will only serve to make him feel worse in the long term, even though he may feel a short-term, temporary 'buzz'. When a bar tender says "What's your poison?" they are actually quite spot on ...... alcohol is more of a 'poison' than it is a medicine. It is medicinal only in SMALL quantities, and certainly won't help him in the long run.

As for appearing to be 'friendly' when responding to messages ....... maybe that's because he may not like texting? Assuming you are talking about texting, that is? I don't know really.

Perhaps try not to overthink things too much, and take each day as it comes. Be there for him as much as he needs, but allow him to be 'in his cave' a bit also. Men need their 'caves' (private/own time and space to think) just like us women need to talk. The two sexes are a bit different like that. Remember; he's like a rubber band, which means he will (hopefully) come bouncing back before too long.

In the meantime, make sure that you are taking/using this time to catch up with your girlfriends and to have that all-important 'girl time'. Us women, we need each other you know!

Anyway, you can still keep coming back here as much as you like. Am happy to keep the convo going. I am woman after all, I can yabber on forever! Take care. xo