Will the battle ever end?

[shiloh2768]

Hi, Im new to this site and am kicking myself I never found it earlier.

My story is that I've been living with depression for over 20 years now and have been on medication for 13 years straight. I was one of those that was diagnosed at a hospital and then forgotten about. No one ever advised me about therapy or that meds were only a temporary measure. Unfortunately, the meds have such strong side effects that stopping them is just about out of the question.

Im currently on Day 4 of my "crash". The insomnia has hit, the lethargy has hit, the sensitivity has hit, the lack of interest has hit and so has the confusion. I haven't eaten properly. My partner has given up on me. He thinks Im using depression as an excuse and that deep down Im just a lazy person with no motivation who doesn't want to be in the same bed as him. WTF!?

I guess Im lucky in that I can recognise the signs of when a depression attack is coming, but it is still damn hard to deal with. I've also noticed that suicidal thoughts are becoming more prominent which is scary.

Unfortunately, my family live interstate and I have no friends where I currently live, so my partner has to deal with me and he is not coping well. Lately, he has been telling me that Im lazy and stupid and that I have no valid reason to cry.  Which in turn brings on the feelings of guilt and worthlessness which leads to shutting down which leads to.....you get the picture. My GP is useless and the one doctor I did find that wanted to help me couldn't. I don't qualify for the governments mental health plan at the moment. So, no counselling for me.

The only thing that keeps me going is my daughter and granddaughter who also live interstate. If I didn't have them, I would probably have ended it ages ago.

Thanks for letting me speak.

[Ruth_M]

Hi Shiloh,

Welcome to the forum! It's been a few days since your post- how are things going? You've described a pretty long battle with depression, and we're sorry to hear that things are particularly difficult at the moment. Can you pick what the trigger was for this recent crash? 

It sounds like your partner doesn't have a strong understanding of depression. Please don't believe that you are lazy, stupid or unjustified in being tearful. You have depression. It's an illness, just like any other, and not something that anyone asks for. Perhaps it would be worth giving him some of the fact sheets or resources from this website to read?

Like any illness, it's important to get treatment for depression. This often involves medication and counselling, but there are lots of other ways to help our mood, too. It sounds like you are quite socially isolated so perhaps it's worth looking into some local groups that you could join? Forums like this are also a great way to stay in touch with others who understand.

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide, or if you would like to talk to someone about some other support options in your local area, we really encourage you to call one of our counsellors on the beyondblue Support Line. They are available 24 hours a day on 1300 22 46 36. 

We hope you stay in touch with us on the forum and let us know how you are going.

With best wishes

beyondblue moderation team

[Whatever_21]

Hi shiloh. Your words are an echo of my pain. I too can recognize the downward spiral and hate the helplessness I feel. Thank you for sharing.  Don't give up.  You can get through this.  Post again.   keep talking about it.  You have a right to feel like this.  But you will get better. W

[geoff]

dear Shiloh, with depression it can come in waves, that is, really bad one minute where you cry at anything and then it just sits there, where you feel miserable, but it hasn't taken you to the extreme level yet, but could do so at any moment, and this could include suicidal thoughts.

Because your partner is 'not coping well', he is turning this situation around and taking it out on you, blaming you for his own feelings, and this is not the way for him to handle this, and maybe he should be seeking counselling himself.

The mental health plan can be used every year, and I stand to be corrected on this, and I'm not sure it's mean tested.

You can google 'Reachout.com' where they can help you with problems that you are facing, so try this.

Is it possible for you to go and live with your daughter and does she know of your depression, because you need a break as he is only feeding your depression. L Geoff. x