Why

[Roundhole]

Why do people turn away from me? Why have I no friends? Why do I have problems communicating? Why do I always (eventually) see the bad in people? Why can't I be nice (for ever)? Why am I such a smart ar-e? Why does a haze cloud my mind when I talk to people?

What the hell is wrong with me????????????????????

[White_Rose]

Hello Roundhole

Welcome to Beyond Blue. I am pleased you have found your way to this extremely helpful web site.

May I ask how old you are? I ask because feel the way you feel for different reasons very often aligned with their age.

You ask what is wrong with you and I cannot even guess from the information you have given. Can you be a bit more specific? Perhaps it would help if completed the questionnaire about depression which you can access via the home page. It would rule in or out at least one reason.

Perhaps if you gave a couple of examples of when people turn away from you or your difficulty with communicating it would help.

Seeing the bad parts of people may be because you are afraid to trust anyone. And this would give you a reason to back away from anyone who got a little close to you. I am just guessing here with no real information. I would really like to help you if I can.

Perhaps it would help if you phoned the Beyond Blue helpline the number is 1300 22 4636. The phone line is staffed 24/7 by people experienced in issues such as you describe. They can give immediate assistance and possibly refer you to a service that can give you more help.

I would love to hear from you again. Would write in and give us more of your story. I look forward to your next post.

Warm regards

Mary

[Roundhole]

Hi Mary, I am a 59 year old male. I have suffered (put up with) depression since I was 13. Since about that age I have had and continue to have a bad attitude, I try to be nice but it doesn't last, (I was the black sheep of the family (youngest of 9). I cannot believe I have been married since I was 23, with 3 wonderful kids and 3 beautiful grandchildren. The only people I am nice to is my family. As soon as some one doe's something that I think is not right, I instantly turn off that person/persons. I always get the impression that when I say something people think I am a bit weird or depressed, or I don't know how to reply to them and end up not saying anything. I cannot talk to my wife about this as she likes to handle family problems with in the family, and thinks there is nothing wrong with me. I am so sick and tired of the way I behave, I need help.

I am waiting to hear back from 1 of BY's service's, and yes I have completed 2 x surveys.  

Haze coming on, regards Colin 

[JustTiffanyxo]

Hi Colin!

I think many people 'turn' off people if they act in a way that is inappropriate to you. I definitely know I do.   You also say that you 'get the impression that when you say something people think you're weird or depressed'.

Let me tell you, we are all weird. It's what makes us, well, us. 

What makes you get the impression that other people think that? Has anything specifically been said?

Have you tried talking to your wife about what you're feeling?  If I was her I'd definitely want to know. 

Maybe write a list of 'behaviours' that you think are 'bad' and write another list with behaviours you do that you think are appropriate. Then look at the 'bad' list and take the first one and do the opposite. I know it sounds so simple, but it may work out like when you are having bad thoughts and you reverse them, you get my drift?

Anyway, we are all here to help you through, I've 'met' some incredibly kind hearted people on here.

Someone here is always up for a chat!

Tiffany

[White_Rose]

Hello Colin

Thanks for replying. I think it's fantastic that your wife sees nothing wrong with you. Seems to me that you cannot be so very awful. When I have lost the plot, so to speak, my children have always let me know, which I find upsetting but probably not as much as they do.

I must admit to being intensely curious about the things you say that you feel makes you sound weird. My son-in-law is very abrupt with people and, for instance, does not get on well with either my ex-husband or my daughter-in-law. Well, just between us two, neither do I.

They both make outrageous statements and expect everyone to smile and agree, which just does not happen. So the atmosphere gets somewhat tense. My son-in-law just walks away but I find myself arguing, at least with my ex. Neither approach works well. Neither of them have an appreciation that others are entitled to their own opinion and just may be right.

I have little time for idiots or self-righteous people. Got myself into a heap of trouble by standing my ground on a church matter which resulted in bullying and abuse and I ended up with a huge depression. Not a good outcome. Sorry to be going on about my life. I am hoping you relate to some of this.

So how to change your ways? At 59 some folk would say it's too late. I am 70 and finding a way to pick my battles. I have a wonderful GP and until recently a good psych. Their mentoring has given me a fresh perspective on getting on with people.

So what did I do? Not a great deal it turns out. I started to work out why certain people or situations pressed my buttons, especially the one marked 'explode'. For me the situation usually triggered fear of some kind. I thought I was being assertive, as opposed to passive, by standing up for myself. And to a large extent this is true. I used to be a cowardly thing, afraid to say boo.

Now I tend to look a little more closely and realistically at what's happening and decide whether or not it is worth my time, energy and emotional stability to become involved. So often I just shrug and leave it. Not worth the fight and certainly not worth any kind of agreement. Change the subject or walk away.

For similar reasons I have learned to stop pushing my ideals at anyone. Not easy because I know I know I am right (smile). So I look for friends with similar interests or those who are prepared to talk without getting upset over our differences.

Colin I hope this is some help.

Mary

[White_Rose]

Hello Colin

Just a brief note. I wrote quite a long response yesterday but it seems to have got lost as has another post I made elsewhere. Unfortunately this happens sometimes.

I am rushing to go out so will try and reconstruct my thoughts later today.

Mary

[Roundhole]

Hi Mary & Tiffany, thanks for replying. To answer a few of your questions. I feel other people think I'm weird when I stumble for a reply to keep the conversation going, and I just don't know what to say, and or especially with the Aussie sense of humour, which quite often I have a hard time trying to work out wether they are having a go at me or just being funny or just being a smart ar-e. A lot of the time I just stand there with a blank look on my face if I don't understand.(thats when I really get the feeling people think I'm weird).

I also do not suffer fools or smug self-righteous people at all, (complete waste of my time) this causes me to be very abrupt and rude to people. I also felt that I was getting walked on all over, so I made myself very hard. In hindsight this has only caused suffering and loneliness to me, but I still feel I am right. WHERE IS THE SO CALLED NORMAL LINE, sorry to shout. (question to self)

haze coming over regards Col. 

[JustTiffanyxo]

Hi Col,

You talk about the 'aussie sense of humour', this makes me think that you are not from here?

Even I stumble on words and find it hard to keep some conversations flowing. I even say things that others find inappropriate. (check my last post one here) aha. 

In all seriousness though, I'm not up with all the Aussie slang that's around, I swear they think of something new everyday!

And sorry to say, there is no  normal line other wise we'd all be there. I promise. 

I don't want you to feel that you are alone when you are feeling these things. Just remember somewhere out there so am I. haha

As for feeling walked over and hardening up as a result of it, I think this is a good thing. This is something that I am yet to do. I have trouble saying no, especially at work and it has literally driven me down to the dirt. I resented my bosses for making me do my work then their work on top of that. But I couldn't stand up for myself and say no. 

I do not believe that you are as hard as you say you are, just though your posts and how you write them. 

[Roundhole]

Hi Tiffany, I am from here, just didn't know how to phrase it properly.

Thank you sooooo much for listening, it means the world to me (honestly)

Tiffany please do not harden up as much as I have, as I find no one can live up to my ideals, and as soon as they put a foot wrong I wipe them. I guess I am like this because I have always felt the majority of people use me, so my wall instantly goes up. Only now, am I trying to forgive and forget, but the road is long and rocky and I am stumbling more than walking forward.

I don't know if this will make sense, but here goes. Ever since my last really low downer (about 15 years ago) I found a book, and have been trying to use one chapter in it over and over. Basically it gets you to see the difference between your conscious and subconscious mind. With your conscious mind being the Guardian at the gate (so to speak) to your subconscious mind, the idea being that once you identify a bad thought, you must stop it and not allow it to enter your subconscious mind, where it will feaster and grow. This worked for me,(to a point) but the trouble I've got, so many bad thoughts are coming again and I am getting over whelmed again.

Why is it constant battle with in our heads? Why can't we all be normal?

 Take care, till next time Col

[White_Rose]

Hello Colin

Really interesting post. If I may comment?

Does your book tell you how to stop thoughts, of any kind, from entering your subconscious mind? The more you try to stop thinking about something the harder it gets.

I have been told to sit down and allow the thought to stay, examine it and see where it comes from. What it is that upsets you and why do you have this thought. It is probably an uncomfortable process, especially at first, so no more than half an hour thinking. Then get up and do something active, even if only making a cuppa. It's when we try to push our thoughts and feelings away or down that the trouble starts.

To give you an analogy. Imagine there is a big rock in your way. It's too large to push out of the way. So you walk around it and examine it from all sides. Is it naturally leaning one way, is there a drop on one side where you can push it over, how deeply is it embedded in the ground? To move the rock you may need to loosen the soil around the base and this can involve some pretty deep excavating. Are there smaller rocks propping up the large rock? What happens when you move these? I could go on for ever but I'm sure you have got the picture.

Try applying this scenario to your thoughts but as I said, not for long periods. The rock will not move easily or quickly. You need to work on it. Each time the rock moves slightly you know you are winning. Eventually the rock (thought) will roll away and you can continue your journey. Patience is the key word. My psych would roll round laughing at this. He considers that patience is not one of my virtues. Well, I'm not perfect (yet).

A quick word on forgiveness and forgetting. I have found that you cannot forget, although there may be longer periods between remembering. Forgiveness is different and it takes times. As you understand the person and the reasons and as you heal from the hurt you start to forgive. It may happen quickly or take ages. Depends on the situation. You will not be able to summon up forgiveness like ordering a meal.

I am starting to heal from the hurt inflicted by my parish priest. It has taken several years and I am still angry and hurting, but not as much and it does not consume my every thought. But there are still times when it all erupts and I feel I am back to square one. I am still learning to manage but it is going away.

Well I have written much more than I thought I would.

I am interested in your response.

Mary