Why me?

[Jo116]

I have lived most of my life with depression, and I would like to share my story. I am 38 years old.

at the age of 12 my mother walked out on my 2 brothers,sister and father. I found this traumatic as I was 'mummy's girl'.

after 6 months my father decided that my siblings were old enough to move out of home and told me to find somewhere else to live. I rebelled as a teenager and became somewhat of a troubled youth. I had noone to tell me things would be ok, no one to hold me tight when things were bad.

I lived on the streets and begged for money, I even stole from people. I would go without food for days sometimes weeks. I was sick and no one was there to help me.  When I was 18 I fell in love, well I thought it was love. I fell pregnant and at 6 months the physical abuse started. After another tirade from my partner when my son was 12 months old I got the courage to leave. I simply left town.

It was easier than I ever imagined. Until one day my son went missing after 6 long weeks he was returned by the courts. It was a horrific feeling when he came home malnourished and covered in sores. My son and I thrived for the next 7 years.

then came the next man in our life, he was great at first then I fell pregnant and the drinking started. Alcohol took over this mans life and the physical abuse started.

While I was 6 months pregnant he ran me over with his car... I was a mess but my son and my unborn babies strength held me together. My daughter was born healthy and the love of my life.

After all this you think that I would learn that I was able to thrive without a man in my life but I fell for another man. He didn't drink or smoke and had his children living with him, he was the greatest husband.

After 12 years I found it hard to leave the house without permission I found my children were hiding all the time. They wouldn't talk to me. I found that I was trapped in this marriage without any friends and I felt that my children deserved better.

I wanted out... The mental abuse was taking its toll on everyone. I wanted to go to university and received an acceptance let which my husband tore up. I was confused how could he not want me to better my career.. My husband told me to leave our new home we purchased together.. So I did.

I took nothing but my car and my children. I didn't have any money nor accommodation. I found the strength to carry on with life, I moved to another town and got stuck into a 3 yr university degree.

It kept me occupied as well as the kids being happy was the best feeling any mother could have. 

My father contacted me and told me he had cancer and I should go and visit him before his life is over. I hated this man for not being there for me. I flew to a different state to try and do the right thing. I sat with him and felt that I was able to forgive him as I was a better person and I didn't want him dieing with this hanging over his head.

My sister said I should give up university to be with my dad as he was still my father. I felt hate for her, why would she want me to look after him after he left me outside in the gutter at 12 1/2. I couldn't understand her reasoning. I helped her out as much as I could but it was taking its toll.

My father passed away within a couple of months, my siblings then decided I was no longer a part of their family. From this day I saw the doctor and was diagnosed with depression and needed grief counselling. I started antidepressants. 

So after 2 years I decided that I was lonely and wanted to fulfil the gap that was in my life. I met a man that was everything I ever wanted, until the fights started. I was never right, everything that i said was turned around and used as punishment. I would cry at least 3 times a day I was taking my antidepressants and tried my hardest to keep things together, but he decided that my mood swings were too much for him.

I thought it was normal if you were happy, and then you got yelled at to get upset but he said I have bipolar. If only he was a doctor... The insults continued and started to retaliate. As I said earlier I have been going to university doing nursing and mental health is a big part of the curriculum so I figure that the issues he had with me were more his own issues and he was taking it out on me. 

Now he has walked out on me taking everything and leaving me in a house I cannot afford with no furniture. I still take my antidepressants and I'm not going to let this beat me, but I am broken.

I have had to apologise to so many friends to make things right as I concentrated more on saving a failing relationship then keep my friends. It is hard when you don't have any family to confide in. 

I feel I needed to tell my story as I have so much bottled up inside that I feel just needed to vent, people don't understand what I have been through and I hope they never have to go through it.

Love your family and your friends, they will always be there for you.. And find the time to talk... I still can't leave the house but it has only been a week.. Wish me luck that I can get through this awful heartache that clouds me... 

[Damien]

Hello Jo,

Thanks for sharing your story, you certainly have been through a lot of stuff.

I certainly do wish you luck and blessing as you go on to what comes next, hopefully (hope fully) it will be a happy and safe place for you and your children, a place where you can be healed, restored, and then encouraged to move beyond where you have been to become a strong and wonderful person.  I pray that you will find the sort of friends you talk about, the sort who are always with you and barracking for you.

Bless.

[Suzbj]

Hi Jo, Your story gob-smacks me. I am going to respond properly tomorrow because I am too tired to give your post justice right now. You are awesome! Will reply properly tomorrow. xx

[Bepo78]

hi jo, ditto everything suzbj said, you are freaking awesome and should be so incredibly proud of yourself for how you have not just coped with the **** hand you were dealt but blossomed! heck, to aspire to a uni degree when soooo many would just have given up being homeless and educationally disadvantaged in their teens. and, on top of that, you have righted the wrongs of the past generations, your parents left you for dead but you did EVERYTHING you could for your children, but did the most important in LOVING them.

you, dear lady, are an inspiration, and i hope you get the fulfilling career you desire (don't worry about the man, you are so above that, and if there's meant to be one, he will find this amazing, caring, confident nurse in the future, and will give her the family she yearns for). confidence will greatly assist in finding valued and valuable people, so respect yourself, you bloody-well deserve too!

many hugs, b

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo

What an incredibly difficult journey you’ve been on and have had to endure.  Words that have already been expressed have been inspirational and awesome.  I fully agree with those and would like to add words like courageous and just downright amazing.

I couldn’t imagine the struggles that you’ve had to face and not only on your own,  but bringing up two children at the same time and on top of that, reaching out to further develop yourself with a Uni degree.

I really hope that by you coming onto this site and putting your story out there, that it has helped you in some tiny way … just to get things off your chest.  I think by you telling your story it will serve as inspiration to many others on here and especially the line that you used:

“… and I'm not going to let this beat me, but I am broken.”

Jo, the inner strength that I feel from you that generates from those words in incredible.

And yes, I am wishing to you (and your children) for a brighter future, one that you can look forward too and one that you will be able to share with your children and watch them grow.  That’s possibly some time off yet, but for the time being, I just wish for you that you can make little advancements each day;  to try and create little goals (however small they may be) and to try and achieve them.

I do also hope that you will visit us from time to time to not only let us know how you’re getting on, but for you to actually participate on the forums here because I believe that you have incredible experience to share with others and from what you post, I believe that you will be able to help inspire others.

Cheers

Neil

[Jo116]

Thank you everyone for your inspirational words.. They mean a lot.

You are right Neil, I wanted my story to be out there as there are so many people down and out that needed there spirits lifted. I have numerous ways of coping with issues that life has thrown my way. I found the best way is to be open and honest not just to others but to myself. 

I woke up this morning at 5am (been finding it hard to get out before lunch) the first thought that come to mind was, I forgot who I was, but now I remember who I am and who I want to be. It was strange it was like my subcontious said wake up to yourself Jo you need to pull it together and be the person you raised yourself to be. You are a great role model and love to help, so get up have a shower and do something useful.

Everyday I feel just that little bit stronger, I still find it hard to talk to my friends and I feel this is more from embarrassment than anything. But yesterday I had a breakthrough and went back to work. This was hard, I haven't left the house for over a week as the anxiety raised it's ugly head. I walked into work with my head down and really afraid that someone would say, gee you've lost a lot of weight. Instead a coworker walked past and I said wow you have lost a lot of weight. Well after 27 years she walked out from her marriage. This than bought the tears flowing from both of us. My heart broke for her. Then I realised that it's not just me that's struggling there are so many others out there. as she left she said thanks.. I didn't do anything only listen and if that's all it takes to help someone I will always be here.. 

I don't want to struggle any more, I know I deserve better and I know that I don't have to settle for less than I desire. I will keep growing stronger everyday.

thankyou again for your kind words I will cherish them always.

jodie

[Neil_1]

Hi Jodie

Inspirational again.  Please please keep on posting here because what you write is a really powerful message.

From your latest post I've picked up some positive vibes for myself.   "Get up and do something useful";   "I will keep growing stronger everyday".

That's telling it to the mongrel dog ... keep him right in the back of his kennel;  listening to those words should have him cowering in the back of his kennel for a while.

I'm so pleased that you were able to get to work and then have such a meaningful and even emotional encounter with a colleague.  That's brilliant.

Stay with us Jodie and beautiful post once again,

Neil