Hello, I wish to share my story as I think, hope and pray getting the feelings out of my mind to people who cannot judge me in person nor see my state, will help me.
I will start by saying I have sought help through my GP and thus a psychologist. It took a long time, people telling me I needed to see a doctor for me to seek help. I never wanted not to be ok. I told myself I was ok. I was not.
My mother had brain cancer almost six years ago. I feel I never grieved as I had to be strong for my father. Recently he passed away too. The first few weeks whilst things were busy arranging things I felt I was fine, I was however running on autopilot. Once all the phone calls, visits came to a stop I had a hole that was left unfilled. I was in the family home, with the memories and reminders and my support system, a neighbor who has known me all my life went away.
I felt I had no-one as I had isolated myself from friends when mum died to concentrate on dad. I still have a couple of good friends and I think their presence saved me from thinking or keeping thinking no-one cared.
I broke down due to pressures dealing with dad's estate that I am not going to go into. I could not stop crying in the solicitors office, and she told me I needed to go see my GP as it was clear I was not copping.
I sat in the car outside the GP's practice for 20 mins. Eventually I convinced myself I had no choice as the solicitor knew where to contact my family and knew which doctor I was heading to. I convinced myself that she would "dob" on me. That was the only way I could get myself to go in.
I did not make it to the desk before I broke down again. A grown man crying and not able to get any words out. It affecte me even now I am typing this. I was lucky, the recpetionist was the sister of a friend. She knew that dad had passed away recently and she got me in to see the doctor, who also treated dad. It took me a while to settle down.
I am getting help now, it is helping a little. I am going back to ask for anti depressants as I am still not coping enough to be a part of society. It is or was hard to tell my family. They were not shocked.
I am only at the start of what will be a long journey. I cannot get through a day without crying and at times it only takes a little thing to set me off/
The one thing I want to say is anyone reading this who has not sought help, please do. It is hard, I know it is hard. But it is just something you have to do!
Thanks everyone for letting me rant.
