Where do I start?

[MBG]

Some days I have enough in me to think...give yourself a bloody good shake and then there are days like today.

40+, 2 kids, a partner of 10+ years. But somehow it feels like it has all gone wrong.

I haven't taken to the 40+ club well. Mentally, I've found it depressing. I feel old, over-weight (still claiming baby fat after nearly 11 years) and unloved.

My eldest has a medical condition that is managed for most part by meds, but he drains my partner and I and there are days, where he pushes us to the limit and it just seems ever more frequent as he heads to his teens.

My partner and I - there doesn't seem anything for us anymore. 3 years ago, there were discussions around a third baby before I got too old etc that has been stopped dead and that affected me too. Now there is just full time abstinence on one side so as to avoid any "accidents." It feels like just an existence and nothing more. A financial in-home convenience, because seperately, we would probably struggle as would most couples. I've put out there as recently as this mornig (seems to come to a head now with every argument) - to just bite the bullet and finish it up for the sake of the kids having to live in a argumentative environment, so he stands there and says - well...just go then..leave!..never taking any initiative or positive actions towards making it happen. And so the circle continues.....

I've been to sort out my will, I've got the estate agent coming today re. house sale & I've arranged with my employer to have my salary go into my own account now. I've done a spreadsheet of all our incomings and outgoings and who needs to take what on going forward. It will include the sale of big items, e.g. house. There is never a discussion, he just says do what you want.

I'm not sure why I'm on here, other than to say I feel like crap every day and it's a struggle to keep face at work or anywhere really, because I feel desperately sad all the time. I lost my mum last year. I lost my dad a few years back and my only brother and I no longer speak. Knowing that I wouldn't be much of a miss to anyone doesn't particularly help. I stick it out because of my youngest who is nine.

I left a high paid job last year to go back to something similar I did 6 months prior and at half the salary. Knowing my old employer thinks I am only worth half what they used to pay me doesn't help my self-esteem - although I accept I am in a different role I find the dynamics difficult Mostly just on days like today.

[Skary Bill]

Hi MGB,

Boy that's a lot to have on your plate. What jumps off the page to me is that you're really very strong. You know, when a guy tells you to do what you want. That's him telling you he doesn't know how to have that conversation. I'm not going to claim to have answers for you. But if you haven't tried some couples mediation/counseling, I'd really love to suggest it. They are pretty great.. Just an impartial 3rd party that will act as a referee and allow you two to sit down and have the conversations you need to have without allowing the emotion and arguments to ruin things.

FWIW, I think you've found a great place to reach out to here.. There are some really helpful people who I'm sure will give you good advice.

Wishing you the very best going forward.

Bill.

[MBG]

Thanks Bill. Appreciate the reply. There doesn't seem many replies on here - but I guess the post has to resonate with people and perhaps the vibe that I'm strong, makes me less in need of a response LOL....not sure....

I am strong. My mum was a strong lady and we lost my dad when he was only in his 40's so....I've taken from her strength and built my own. I've been told I have a heart of stone, but I don't necessarily think that's true. I just don't let people see the pain and the struggles. Always keeping face, so I guess when I resort to a forum, I know it's pretty desperate.

Time at moment seems to be spent hiding in toilet cubicles at work, behind sunglasses in the car and in the spare room at home - all the while trying to make sure noone sees the red eyes.

I had already suggested seeing someone before, but he is now basically bringing up everything that he can from the last 10 years or so. Every sentence starts and ends with "you" as in me....and whatever the issue is that's being raised, I've caused it or caused him to do something or feel a certain way. I don't think there's much hope, yet when I suggest we just see a family lawyer and work things out amicably, then its all about how much super he will take from my share and how much debt I will assume from the other things that we share. He says I am depressed and he hasn't been able to stand me for the last the 10 years of the 13 together. Because of my nagging. I have told him I have no interest in rehashing the past and let's move on, and then starts the "on you go then...leave"....Tell you what...I did not see myself at this place at any point in my life. 😞

[Skary Bill]

Definitely don't read too much into the low amount of replies.. It's completely random luck of the draw around here. We're all just dealing with our own things and I've no doubt others will be along when they get a chance to add their thoughts,advice and well wishes.

Yeah I hear what you're saying.. He sounds like a cornered cat. He's scared and putting on a show. The arched back and loud noises etc.. I have to admit, that's a kinda blokey thing to do. I'm even more convinced a mediator would be really helpful, but you can't force him to go.

Ok, what about another approach.. Skip the arguments and write down what you need to say. Keep it absolutely on topic and try to ensure there is a minimum of emotion or anger.. Just the facts and realities of where you're at and what you hope to achieve. Give it to him and tell him, win lose or draw, you two just can't keep arguing.

Hey, I'm going to go out on a limb here, and feel free to ignore this if I've just got it wrong. But I get this feeling from what you've written that in your heart, you haven't actually abandoned the relationship yet. That while things are far from ideal or where you would like them to be, if you two could just come together and work on it, that you could probably get back to a healthy place together.

If any of that is true, then definitely write it down too.. Just somehow you need to get past his defensive posture and connect with the guy.

Anyway, look, it's easy for me, a stranger on the net to sit here giving advice. But I'm not the one in the middle of things. Most importantly, I just want to say that I admire the effort you're putting into finding that path forward and I wish you the very best on finding it. I hope you let us know how things go.

Bill.

[Paw Prints]

Hello MBG,

I wish I had the answers for you (and for me), I find reading what someone says I miss having the all the visual clues to help me, so if I'm off track my apologies. One thing I am getting is that you are feeling very alone with no one you can talk things over with, or even just to have someone listen & be there for you. Skary Bill has suggested seeing someone as a couple. Can I suggest maybe seeing someone just for you. A good starting point is your GP or the BB helpline 1300 224 636 and of course as you have already done reaching out to this forum.

You also mention losing your mum recently, can I just say it's OK to feel you have to be strong and get on with your life it's also OK to still be grieving, so be sad or angry that she is gone and to miss her. Many people find keeping a journal helpful. Writing down how you are feeling, the things that you do like about your life as well as those things you don't can be useful.

Best wishes

Paw Prints

[Keypi]

Hi MBG,

What your going through sounds really tough and it can be very hard for either of you to talk properly together when both of you are in this situation of feeling hurt. I think paw prints' suggestion of seeing someone on your own would be a good idea, as you may then be able to get your feelings off your chest and help identify what you can do to help yourself. Also writing down what you want to say is a very good way of expressing and talking to each other without an argument.

You may be able to suggest this to your partner that you both see someone but separately, so that he feels he can get things out in a constructive way too without causing further hurt to each other. I believe that if you are able to both work on yourselves and become stronger, then when you come together you may be able to talk in a healthy way and be strong together to support each other.

I know this is usually easier said then done, but what I do know is the longer the bad feelings fester the harder it will be to reconcile. Thank you for reaching out here on the forums there are many people here that are very kind and supportive. I can hear that you are a strong woman, putting on that brave strong face I know all too well, and I know it's also very draining.

Be kind to yourself this might be the time for you to find the support you need so you can thrive. I understand a little of what your going through as I myself am struggling with my own long-term relationship. I believe you can work it out and be strong together again as long as you both want it. It's gonna be hard but if you are both willing then it can work 🙂

Good luck and hope to hear from you again soon,

Keypi 🙂

[Caketin]

I've tried to respond to you 3 times now, but overshot the word count. I'll try to condense my previous replies to as few words as possible, but that's not my strength. I'm in a similar situation. Here are the less than ideal extracts:

I found it terribly depressing to read your husband say he hasn't liked you for 10 of a 13 year relationship. I'm not really sure that a partner can come back from that unless it was in the heat of an argument. Your life is not totally rooted though. You do have some workable options. Your problems are at least partly related to your environment and perhaps partly your brains view of the world.

Brains that view the world differently are fun, I seek them out wherever I can because mine is like that too. Even the gloomiest ones are fun when tapped into. Most people I find that are depressed are actually much more enlightened than the typical person on the street, which is why they are depressed. With the right provocation and understanding most perk up quickly. It's just that looking out at the same hopeless scene everyday is enough to make you buy a shovel and start digging your own hole.

I have been with my partner for 35 years and I'm not sure I have done the right thing. She is by nature quite cool, and I am not. I don't knock her for this, and we seldom argue, but we are very different types of people. I have had to learn to live with much lower affection and encouragement than I really need, and I don't need much, but I still offer it in return regardless, and she does need it. Perhaps that's irony

I have many friends who, after more than 10 years with a partner of questionable value, have leaped into the abbis. It has usually been frightening for a year or two, but it has in every instance ended well. It is surprising to realise how many people around your age find themselves in a similar situation and how understanding and compassionate they are as a result of that. It seems to me at least, finding a new partner in your 40s or 50s is quite like finding a new alien race you didn't know existed. These people have been there done that, and if not too damaged, are typically much better adjusted, loving and tolerant. Some may be a little guarded early on, but you'd expect that. When you have spent a long time in one environment, another totally different one can seem a ridiculous fantasy, but they are out there and in numbers. There are more lives you can live, even if the jump from one to another seems impossibly hard.