Hi Grandy,
Well, 5600 posts, you really have blossomed here as a regular poster and supporter of others. I'm so proud of you.
As you might recall I've had 4 long term relationships of 7 years, 11, 10 and now 8 years with my second wife. The periods between those, a few years, were lonely. There is no escaping loneliness. We can fill in hours here and there but that loneliness is like a brick on your shoulder.
My first observation is that once your children are grown and left home, you really have to build a life for yourself and on occasions reunite for a visit, then back to your life again. I have no expectations of my daughter when and how often she visits. But I do have a full life.
The problem with anxiety is "perceived anticipation" (my words) that describe how we are guessing we will react if we carried out some activity. EG We love caravanning. I have a little anxiety (or could be excitement, same symptoms for me) about where we are heading if we haven't been there before, if there will be water, power, enough sun for our solar and a shop/servo etc. But I can do some things to settle me down like use the www to look these things up etc. Every time we do this we realise when we arrive that we had zero to worry about. Worry remember, is non productive.
So the reason I mention this is because your life isn't filled up enough of social activities. "I only go out one day a week because of my anxiety.." I totally understand. But we all have to push ourselves to make progress. You wont meet someone in your lounge room.
"Birds of a feather" We can mingle with those that have a similar lifestyle/illness/restrictions such as ourselves like group therapy. Not only do you carry your illnesses but you have found the means to offer some support with your experience here which cannot be underestimated. I've recited poetry to those in aged care and watched their smiles. I saw a Facebook video this morning where those with dementia were given baby dolls and they cradled them, it brought a tear to me. You'll find your forte, your niche and when you do, you'll be looking forward to your day so much that you wont be thinking along the lines that you are currently.
Life is hard Grandy, as you well know. Pursue activities that bring a smile to your dial and others. It's a fine line between keeping your anxiety at bay by staying indoors- and having some form of regular human contact.
That pillow you covered? Someone out there would love it, then you have purpose.
TonyWK
