Motivation depleted, sadness exhaustive

[OptimisticQuail]

Hello All.
First time poster.

It's great to see that I'm obviously not alone which I knew.

Over the last month I have felt down and sad for reasons I really can't seem to understand.
At times I sit there and tears are about to flow but I stop myself.
I know it not weak, but I feel lost.

I have a great job (albeit demanding), a great family and other extra-curricula activities (coach of footy and cricket teams).

Recently, as stated above I have no motivation to get up each morning, my productivity at work is rapidly decreasing, I dont seem to care as much for my work.
I also have no general motivation for extra-curricula activities including maintaining my lawn which I used to love doing.

I have seen a psychologist once after a referral from my G.P but it was only a 'meet and greet as such.

I want to lock myself up in my room and keep away from people. I start things but have no desire to complete them (can't believe I am forcing myself to do this).

I know I need to address this concern but I feel ultra guilty to be absent from my workers and my family at times to get myself better.

I sit here, typing this thinking of the next thing I have to do and already this is making me sad.
I'm lost.

I'm not really asking questions as such but I would love to understand what could come next for me with some insight from others who may have been in this situation.
I am not sure I will act on it though. I want to get better but I dont know if I want to act upon it (if that makes sense).

Thanks for reading. Ahhhhh.

[smallwolf]

Hi OptimisticQuail,

welcome to beyond blue.

on guilt and absense - it really does depend on how often you are seeing the professional. At my worst, it was once a week, and now every second week. I wonder how you might feel if were going to a dentist (odd, I know) or going out to lunch every second week or once a month?

the other thing is (and I don't know much about your job), is recognising that you have done all that you can in a day, and what would happen if item you were going to do was left not done until the next day. For myself, I could only rest after all I completed all the items in my inbox and then some each day. Thing was the inbox never really emptied - someone, somewhere had a perceived issue that I felt needed to be fixed immediately - which was not the case.

and on that note, there are a few things I would ask myself... is this thought good for me? and what would I tell friend who who told me that story?

and your thoughts are normal for whatever is happening for you.

fwiw, I also see a psychiatrist who added a number of blood tests to make sure there nothing medically wrong with me - but there was.

lastly, and ending with a question - at what times do you feel lost? what are you thinking about? feeling?

I hope you come back and share some more of your story.

Tim

[OptimisticQuail]

Hey Tim.

Thanks for the response.

I'm one to want to have a clean slate when moving on from work. I.e - all emails marked as unread, responded to or filed away/deleted.
This is sometimes seeing me work at home at night to make sure I dont come into an unopened email the next day. This certainly takes a lot of effort.
Lately though given my feelings, i've been deleting most emails. I can't be bothered responding anymore.

I have spoken to a work colleague who noticed during a meeting that while I was physically present, I was mentally absent. I had no care for the meeting and didnt want to be there. I later spoke to that colleague and told them how I was feeling. They were supportive and offered suggestiins to turn things around as they have been through tough times. I could hear what they were saying but I'm not sure I have the effort to want to feel better...

They asked me if I had suicidal thoughts which was an out there question. I was take back but answered honestly. I had for maybe 10 seconds but I would never want to put other through that grief nor would I believe of mustering up that much emotion.

To answer your question. I feel lost at times when I am alone and 1000 thoughts are running through my head. I usually over think and analyse a lot, but recently these thoughts (what I'm doing next, random thoughts, etc.) come and go without effort. I sometimes find myself at my workplace or home not knowing how I got there. I'm just in auto pilot when I drive at times.

I just dont know why I'm feeling how I'm feeling but I know it's just no me. Do I want to feel better? I'm not sure I do or can be bothered with the effort.

[geoff]

Hello OptimisticQuail, welcome to the forums.

What you have said 'but I'm not sure I have the effort to want to feel better', may make it feel easier to just stay sad because recovery seems too difficult, depends on the situation you are in, and each one maybe different, but has the same cause.

Anything you do feels like nothing is working, and wanting to get better means your emotions need to change, that maybe frightening but it happens slowly.

This isn't your fault, depression comes knocking on your door and as soon as you open it it's to late unless you know how to stop it and this is something you need to do.

Take some time off work if you can and please don't get down on yourself, the first meeting with your psych is a get together, but write down how you are feeling so you can pass this over to them, this will make the sessions a bit easier.

Hope to hear back from you when you are able to.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[OptimisticQuail]

Thanks Geoff.

That make complete sense.
It feels too late and although I don't want to put in the effort to get better most days, the days that I do are few and far between.

Meeting two with my psychologist next week which will hopefully give me some motivation to move past this frustrating time.

I have had the past 3 days off work (planned a long time ago) and it has felt brilliant although the thought of going back next week is frightening.

Again, thanks for the support!!!

[geoff]

Hello OptimisticQuail, sometimes when people are in depression it's easier to stay sad because we don't have to make decisions, they're made for us, compared to feeling well when we have to decide between a, b or c and then cope with all the necessary obstacles or problems along the way.

That was something I did like when I was depressed, my wife made all the decisions, the biggest choice I had to make is whether I go or not, usually, it was the latter.

Let us know how you get on if that's OK.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[OptimisticQuail]

Thanks Geoff.

Spot on really. I feel as though I have been serving others and making decisions constantly which I believe may be wearing me down quite significantly.

Lately, I have increasingly avoided or cared for making decisions as you have put.
I also exhibit the later of your comment (not wanting to do anything or go anywhere).

I just wonder - how do I return to normal if I do not want to make the decision to change my current ways? Deep down I am sure I want to return to being the optimistic, laid back, decisive person I usually am, but the will to snap out of this current mindset is not there.

Appreciate your kind support.

[geoff]

Hi OptimisticQuail, I know how this feels and it's not good at all.

People keep asking themselves 'when is the perfect time to do something or to start to feel better', well it depends on the situation you're in and also we may feel that we’re too exhausted to keep giving to others, maybe that's burnout and I've been there a few times.

Your mindset is not ready to change at the moment so give yourself some breathing space, concentrate on the little things in life you like, such as picking a flower you love and put it in a vase or go and feed the birds, somewhere you can be by yourself.

Your thinking won't change overnight, but remember to say no to what you don't want to do.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

[Desedrata]

Hello,

When I get super stressed out, I listen to music in the car to help reduce the frazzle effect of where ever I have to be and watch ten minutes of a comedy before bed. It helps drown out some of the negitive thoughts that like to fester whilst I'm sleeping.

I also learnt that by forcing myself to smile whilst, I walked down the street, helped cheer me up. It was an excruciating chore in the begining but after a week or two I found I was smiling for real as all the strangers giving me smiles back made me feel good.

[OptimisticQuail]

Thanks Geoff and Desecrate.

After a session with my psychologist it was mutually agreed that I need time away from work to focus on myself.

I have a GP appointment to gain a formal certificate to take to my company and to discuss the potential of medication.

We (psychologist and I) discussion that a combination of therapy, medication and getting up amd about to look after myself should start to see results small steps at a time.

While I look forward to feeling that way it seems so far away amd something I am not sure I am ready to commence.