What if nothing helps?

[20oney]

Hey all at BB,

I'm 22, treatment resistant depression for the past two and a half years.. Recently diagnosed as treatment resistant.. Chronic pain is another new diagnosis.. But they're all just words that I really do not want to take in at this stage.

I've been seeing a psychologist for close to 2 years now.. Maybe 9 months with the current psych.. I donno, I like them, and I am extremely glad to know that they are there, but when it comes to talking to them, I close up. It's always been that way for me, with everyone. I kind of thought I was being fairly open, up until the last couple of session where it's all sort of turned to crap. I've got it stuck in my head, that this is how it's going to be, until my final breath. Nothing seems to help in any way. I've tried meds, psychotherapy, exercise, eating well, seeing friends and family, drinking, weed, holidays, quitting my job, ending my 2 year relationship, I even went out and bought myself a trusty pooch to stand by my side (probably my best decision).

But yeah, despite all of this, here I am, in the thick of it all still. I feel like there's no hope left for me, and that nothing is ever going to lift this dark, low mood. Like I am going to be hiding this horrible side of myself forever, with no relief.. What sort of a way is that to live? I'm just really fed up with trying, and getting nowhere, in fact, going backwards. I want it all to end, but I know that's not going to happen.

Currently, I'm looking at a big change, a move to a new city. Somewhere fresh, with new smells, new everything. Away from all that I know and trust. In theory, I know that this may not be a great idea, especially when constantly battling away.. But, staying here, in this town isn't exactly doing me any good anyway.

Anyway, I just needed a rant, and know that someone will read this. So that's something I guess.. Thanks all

[BballJ]

Hi 20oney,

Well done for reaching out and sorry to read what you are going through currently.

I know it feels like there is no hope and not sure how you come out of this but this is all apart of the road to recovery, having these days or weeks when it feels like you are not moving forward are apart of the process, I know it doesn't feel like it either but it really is. Have you clicked with your counsellor 100%? I say that in the terms that you feel you can open up about everything or is it simply that you don't have the confidence in them to say how you really feel? Maybe writing it out and taking it in on a piece of paper and giving it to them to read may help you?

In regards to your moving, it isn't a bad idea if you really think it is going to help you in a positive way.

My best for you,

Jay

[geoff]

hello 20oney, I agree with Jay, write down what you want to talk about with your psychologist and then hand it to them, but what worries me is that if you want to move to a new city does this mean that you won't be able to see the same psychologist, especially if get on well with them, because when you start seeing another one, you may not get on with them, and if you do then it's going to take awhile for them to know you.
I'm not suggesting that you don't move, if you feel as though this would be beneficial then it's a good idea. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi 20oney,

I too welcome you to the forum. Like Jay and Geoff have mentioned, it is okay to write out how you feel and hand the paper to the psychologist. I gave my psychologist 5 pages of typed material as soon as I walked in her door last time!

It is wonderful you have decided to write how you feel here. I would like to encourage you to keep expressing yourself. One: it will help you to understand what is bothering you and two: it is important to have your thoughts/concerns validated by others.

In my experience, it is difficult for me to leave my depression and problems in one place then make a break and try to start anew somewhere else.

That darn depression doesn't like to be left behind! I don't need to encourage it either and invite it along, it just finds me now and then so I need to deal with the depression when it shows up.

Moving to a different place may well be what you need. When you arrive, have a look around to see what supports you can access if you need them.

Overt he years I have been diagnosed with a few different mental health issues. The thing for me is to realise these are just words. I do not have to take the titles to heart and carry them around with me all the time.

You mentioned being labelled as "Treatment Resistant" . I would like to suggest you accept that as a title, ONE THAT YOU CAN CHANGE! At the moment that may be the case, it does not need to be a permanent diagnosis!

Write out how you are feeling and hand that to the psychologist. That may be a huge step for you, but a very worthy one!

Cheers from Dools

[Neil_1]

Hi there 20oney … awesome name by the way; when people come up with intriguing names, it’s my nature to try to either come up with an abbreviation or to try and work out the name … 20 starts with a T, and oney rhymes with Sony, so it could be Tony … sorry, little waffle to introduce myself to you. Ps: aren’t I going to be a dumb dumb, if in fact, you’re not a gent. :)

22yo and nothing is working. Wow, with what you were writing, a lot of it sounded like I could have been writing it; ‘cept that I’ve got 29 years on you and my own fam, which is my ballast for keeping me as on the level as I believe I’m ever going to get.

How long have you been feeling this way??
Treatment resistant for the past 2 years … that’s actually a newie on me; I haven’t come across that term before, but it does make sense. It makes a hell of a lot of sense to me; cause I feel very much like that. Possibly not what you’re wanting to hear, but just thought I’d share. It’s just a matter of arranging things in your life in order for you to continue through. You mentioned a lot of things you’ve tried, etc … and I do hope that you’ve still got a number of these things in place for yourself??

I’m gathering that you are not currently employed – only assuming that due to you wishing to up and move. If this is the case, then do you think there’d be employment prospects for you in the city that you’re moving too?

Though as I’ve posted to others, by moving to a new location, it won’t mean that you’ll be able to leave your issues behind. The dog just wags his tail and will travel with you. I guess it’s the location of what you’re leaving behind and the new place, ‘could’ provide new opportunities for you.

Hey, and by the way, what kind of dog do you have? How long have you had him/her?

Would love to hear back from you.

Neil

[20oney]

Thanks for the reply!

I think I've clicked with my psych. For the most part, they seem to be able to read between the lines of my sarcastic / avoidance nature. I've never been one for expressing emotion or thoughts.. I feel comfortable with them, and if the time comes, that I do, fall down, I feel somewhat ok with it being around them. But, in saying that, I am not convinced that it will ever happen.

I have written things out and emailed. I still don't get any gains from it. Maybe in the moment of pressing that send button, there's a little bit of relief, but it never aids in the sessions.. Sooo I donno... I keep telling myself that it takes time or whatever, but I'm not buying it so much anymore..

20oney

[20oney]

Hey Neil! Thanks for the reply! Unfortunately, I am not a Tony, and am a female.. But we can pretend? 🙂 the name is a tricky one.. It should really be one20y..

I've battling with this since, November 2014 ish... I possibly, probably have had similar times throughout the younger years, but I'd rather ignore that and not look into it.. But yeah, they labelled it as treatment resistant! After the second failed med and at least 2 years, that's the name they decide to give it..

Recently unemployed due to an unfortunate series of events. Moral of the story, have to find a new path. Can't continue with my old role, ever. So that was a waste of 5 years. Trying to find this new road, proving difficult and I appear to be somewhat resistant to the idea of actually starting a new job.. So this is not going so well. Hence yeah, might be time for a complete change of scenery.

My dog, he is a... brown dog? Possibly staffy / ridge-back, but not really sure - got him from the RSPCA a year and a half ago. Best and worst decision every.. Has put a deep hole in my pocket due to medical bills -_- but I love the little fella.. So it's ok. Have you got pets?

20oney

[BballJ]

Hi 20oney,

Part of me wants to say that maybe you possibly haven't clicked if you aren't seeing the benefit of it. The other part is saying that maybe you are not detailing everything but I am just guessing and I am saying you are doing anything wrong but when we write or talk we have a tendency to try and make things sounds better than what they are as we almost don't want to admit how dark it actually is. I do this with my psych well at the start I did, I didn't go into full detail about my feelings which doesn't really help anyone.

I read your above post to Neil1, the career path change may be a good idea and change of scenery is never a bad idea at all. Is it possible to try and maybe speak to a recruitment agency to help you out at all?

My best,

Jay

[Neil_1]

Hi there 20oney

Do you feel that your GP has been helpful with all that you’ve been to them about? I ask that, because before I got onto the types of medications I’m on now, I went through a fair number of different types to get to the ones that are now ‘working’ for me. I just note that you said, ‘after the second failed me …’; which doesn’t sound like they gave it a really decent try. Though, I’m just reading between the lines here and also, have no medical background … apart from visiting my GP a helluva lot of times.

Now, finding a new path is something that we all have to do from time to time. Sometimes the old path, either runs out or we find that things aren’t working out as planned. So we have to then try other things … but please, you mentioned about the past 5 years being a waste. I believe it wasn’t. I’ve had times in my past where things were just crap, really bad for a long while … but it’s a matter of not thinking of it as a waste, but to know that you’ve been down a certain path. You’ve done things, you’ve experienced things and you’ve learned. No matter what you think, I have no doubt you’ve learned.

For instance, you’ve learned that you never want to continue with your old role. You’ve also experienced and lived through that time as well. Living through these kinds of things are what shapes us as we grow. We never stop learning … and really, you never stop shaping how you are as a person.

It’s learning … it’s knowledge.

When you say, you feel resistant to starting a new job … are you able to explain that a little? Is it because you feel you lack the experience to do a particular job? And let’s face it, there’d be so many jobs out there that none of us know much about … but that doesn’t mean we can’t do them; it’s just with a little training and help, we should be able to manage to do them. I guess it’s just getting that ‘foot in the door’.

I hope that with you coming here, it’s helping you a little?

Sounds like a nice dog. Yes, despite being at times costly, you’d never part with them for anything … well, that’s my thought.

We’ve got a Jack Russell/Kelpie cross; he’s 12yo now and he’s beginning to show signs of his age catching up with him … at times. But he’s been the most beautiful, loyal and caring dog … it’s funny, how they have this sense built in … that they know when you’re down or there’s an issue; he comes up and rests his head on your leg and looks up.

Neil

[20oney]

You're spot on there. I definitely don't detail everything, or anything really. I try, I tell myself nothing will change if I don't step out a little. But, when the time comes, I go hiding. I've always been a, keep to myself person, I like to fight my own battles alone and to figure things out without needing to communicate with someone. Which, evidently does not always work. And a large part of why I will not go to a recruitment agency. I have some nice unhelpful habits.

Cheers,

20oney