Wasted opportunities have ruined my life at 53

[KT53]

I have spent my life trying to find the right way to live so I don't make a mistake (toxic shame - looking for praise as a form of love) to discover now that the whole meaning of life is to throw yourself into the mess and plough through it.

I didn't have children because my mother made having children look like pure hell.  I keep changing jobs because I get bored when there is no challenge and now I don't have a job at all because it is harder when you are female and 53.  And hindsight is such a bitch!  "Oh, I get how to live life now.  Why didn't you just tell me in the first place and I wouldn't be in this position of having nothing?"

My life is very much like the fable of the tortoise and the hare - with me being the hare - rushing from one thing to another instead of taking life one day at a time, building routine and security for the inevitable quiet times.

I am wallowing in self-pity because I now realise I was predisposed to depression and anxiety from childhood and when I was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis at 16 (first of many auto-immune diseases) I pig-headedly decided to forge on and pretend I didn't have it until it was too late and the damage had been done.

Now I look for help to stop the pain and emptiness and realise it probably is too late to make a difference and I get angry because I wish I had known how to help myself 20 years ago.  I feel cheated out of life and then I feel guilty because materialistically I have it better then others.

I am curiously-desperate to know if there is anyone out there who has found themselves in this position - no mortgage, no children, no job but a desire to make things better - and life has improved for them? 

Thanking you in anticipation.  🙄

[randomxx]

Hi there op.

Firstly l'm just wondering , so as in you have it better materialistically than others and no mortgage , so does that mean you have a paid of house and other goodies , or ? lf so then that alone is a huge thing to be grateful for.

And yeah , have been though some crap but by far worst was divorce at 48, 11 yrs ago now , and apart from other things along with it was the position and place life in and left me in. Basically starting over bc we didn't come out of it with very much at all and l blew what l did get in 12mths soooo, there was nothing.

Whole nother story but just on the job thing in this one for now first of all. 53, still not sure if you need to work or just want to buttttt, start your own small business and to hell with them.

l've worked for myself 30yrs and a few times things were so tight l started looking for another job to tie things over but l just couldn't do it so l battled through. No regrets on that one and none what so ever ever either about living the way and life l chose those yrs ago , being my own man own boss own life my rules, especially nowa days hearing stories about what the work places seem to have become these days.

There's no end of things you could look at from an ebay shop to just about anything else, so much opportunity out there these days and so much easier to start up now than it was back when.

Extremely satisfying too and you can live and work anywasy you choose once you get things under control. Doesn't have to be anything big or involve huge outlays and risks.

Maybe give that some thought and if you like the idea start scanning for something that interests you.

rx

[KT53]

Thanks RX for taking the time to send me your words of encouragement.  No mortgage means renting, so no capital.  I have always been an ideas person so I suppose that is why this is such an uncomfortable place for me to be with my depression because I've lost my weapon to defeat it.  But I'll have a poke around and see if I can find a replacement.  Thanks, again.

[randomxx]

Thanks op. Yeah l mean of course it's a bit trickier starting something if you've got a mortgage or rent for sure but even with a few 100 you can start selling on ebay now for example. Mind you that was just one suggestion l know their own little business isn't most peoples cup of tea. Took me a few years later to get this new one and repayments under control with my business hence looking for a job a few times.

lf it's any consolation though in lots of ways l'd rather be renting now anyway.

l'm sorry about the depression have fought of that one myself quite a few times last 10 yrs. Weirdest thing was, for me bills and so work helped, bc stuff had to be paid and so that got me out and moving again, which lifted me out of it.

All the best and hang in hey.

rx

[sunnyl20]

Hello KT53,

You're right - hindsight can really be a bit of a curse sometimes. Especially when you're contending with depression as well, a recipe for a bit of a spiral. I am really sorry to hear you're feeling so rubbish, but please know that you do not need to feel guilty for struggling with your mental health! I know that is easier said than done, but your distress and experiences are valid irrespective of whether you have it better than others materialistically. 

You mentioned a desire to make things better - I think that intention is a great place to start. Acknowledge that it may take time, but that with a bit of support, things can turn around. The lack of motivation that comes with depression can make it really difficult to put yourself out there and think of ideas, so starting small and thinking about what feels manageable for where you're at now. 

If you're open to it, writing can also be a helpful process when things feel really low or overwhelming - writing can help organise your thoughts a bit more, it may help you see what is going on from a different perspective and it can help externalise some of the shame and anxiety that you're feeling. It might also be useful to write a list of what's important to you, what you value and what you feel like is missing in your life. This may help to inform the best way forward for you. 

Is there anything or anyone that has helped you in the past when things have reached a really low point?

Please don't hesitate to talk more if and when you feel up to it.

Take care.

[white knight]

Hi KT53

Some nice replies already

I'm 67yo but at 40yo I separated from my 1st wife (2 kids 7 and 4yo) and ended up in a 11ft caravan in a caravan park with nothing but my 12yo car and that old van. I was going through the grief and all that comes with the transition including losing my full time fatherhood and watching my kids being hurt. This went on for 8 weeks and every night I'd walk and walk. One night I walked past a real estate window. I saw a one acre block of land.

At the time I had a credit card with $3000 on it not used. I took out that money and deposited it in my savings account. Went to the bank and told them I have $3000 saved , can I get a loan for land. Yes, up to $15,000. That was 1996. I got the loan and went to the auction and won for $12,500.

I had a marriage property settlement whereby I got the garage. I erected it on the property and also secondhand roofing gave me carports each side. 4 months after purchasing the property I asked the bank to value it, they did at $28000 - much profit, I then asked them for a loan for a kit home. Now I was lucky enough to know enough to build my own home even though I hadnt done it. I got the kit, in all cost of home was around $88,000. So about $100,000 invested, sold it 7 years later for $230,000.

The message here is, yes you need some luck but you can also make your own luck, the story would never be complete without - tenacity to strive to be successful. We must never give up.

 30 minutes can change your life - Beyond Blue Forums - 154525

TonyWK

[tranzcrybe]

I'm always a little bemused when 'wasting one's life' is claimed.
Whatever we do or don't do actually is the tapestry of our lives and, when we are not doing one thing, we are sure to be dong something else in its place.
With your early diagnosis of RA, you might have been absolutely correct in maximising your freedom and opportunities, for what assurance did you have that the progression would be any less severe regardless? And pain or misfortune can strike us at any time with or without an underlying condition.
We make many choices in our lifetime - rarely are any given adequate consideration of being 'good' (or safe!) and we are simply a product of outcomes derived from circumstances arising from those choices. Your choices have granted you insight and wisdom. It is now only limited by your imagination as to how you choose to implement them to enhance your life or add to someone else's.
True, what you can no longer easily achieve is lamentable, but what takes its place - positive or negative - is a choice you still have the discretion to make.

[therising]

Hi KT53

I think what can become incredibly challenging is when you're an ideas person who can see your future through your imagination and all of a sudden you go 'blind'. I'm so glad you've come here to a place that is full of seers who are such deeply feeling people, such as those who have responded to you already. Amazing people, truly amazing. It was actually Tony who led me to see clearly how waiting for things to change can become depressing. With waiting, there's no action and little change in the way of what can challenge us deeply. As a gal who's managed the ins and outs of depression since my late teens, it's only in the last year or so that I've learned 'When I can't see, I need a guide who can lead me as they see for me'. Once I'm out of a dark part of my path, I regain my ability to see the way forward. It's about managing the episodes of not being able to see the way forward, as opposed to believing I'll never see again, something depression can lead me to fully believe in at times. Anyhow, enough about seeing.

Wondering if you've done much research in the way of RA. While the medical world can make it all sound hopeless, research can indicate otherwise. I actually came across the topic of 'oxidative stress' when researching migraines. My daughter went through a torturous period of terrible migraines. 'What is oxidative stress? What are all the things that contribute to it? What does it do to the body? How is it felt in a variety of painful ways? How to manage it, reduce it, eliminate it (in some cases). What are antioxidants, how do they work, what do they do?' and the list goes on when it comes to the topic. Not sure if it would be a topic of interest for you but I thought I'd throw it out there just in case. Sometimes it's simply good to feel 'fascination' (what that feels like) as opposed to feeling nothing but 'hopelessness'.

With you having managed and loved challenging jobs in the past, could this be a time in your life where you could perhaps be best served with a more peaceful job, something still somewhat challenging but with less stress/triggers? While I've had some seriously challenging jobs in the past, at 53 and having this year off work, I thought 'What the heck am I going to go back to?'. I changed this way of thinking to 'What do I want to look forward to doing?'. My daughter led me to consider working with animals, something so far outside the square but the idea leads me to feel happy, peaceful and kind of excited. It feels like a strong possibility. 

Definitely pros and cons to being a home owner or renter. If you know any older people who rent, maybe asking them what the pros are and seeing how they manage renting could be one way to go. I have a friend in her 60s who sees nothing but positives to renting, things I would never have considered.

I hope I don't come across with that 'toxic positivity' people talk about. Might sound strange but I try not to be positive, I simply wonder what could possibly make a difference to someone during what feels like one of the worst times in their life. I feel so deeply for you KT53 and how much you're suffering.