Wandering soul- Am I the only one?

[Lonelylifetraveller]

Where to begin.

I've only lived in Australia for 1.5 years after moving overseas from Europe (Scandinavia) to spend time and life with my partner here in Australia. Of course it all began with quite a ride entering the country just prior to Covid starting and the lockdowns. Me and my partner spend years together in a long distance relationship, before I decided to make the move across the globe and restart life here in my mid 30's. To say the least it has been trying, much of course due to everything brought on from Covid.

But I've found myself more and more unhappy in others way here as well and over time this has spiralled into more serious behaviour and a depression slowly taking over me. Indeed my time in Australia has proven to be the toughest so far and not very welcoming on many levels. Which to me is still surprising as anyone has ever described Australia as the land of cheery and kind people.

Professionally I've been tricked and backstabbed multiple times at this point. So many people have tried or successfully taken advantage of me and the situation. No matter a decade of managerial experience, a degree, proficient in several languages and more I have proven to be very unsuccessful finding employment even without any visa restrictions. Friends are another matter and it seems how kind, welcoming or genuine I try to be, making friends here is rather difficult and the ones I have met so far have proved to be quite the opposite after a while. To be honest, I struggle to have met anyone genuinly kind or professional during my time here and I'm usually quite selective and good at reading people.

So battling horrible experiences and general exclusion from society here, depression has slowly began to creep on to me and take over more and more. It is now at the point where I begin to question why and what life is really for and if it is all worth it. The struggle is daily and for weeks now I have been tired and genuinly not felt any joy or excitement from anything. I feel empty, excluded, lied and backstabbed to. And I begin to hate the life here. This is all new to me.

I guess I wanted to hear if there was anyone else with similar experiences here or thoughts? Or if anyone had any great tips for battling depression and not letting it take over completely? I have seen a psychologist for 2 months but felt it didn't give me anything practical to work with. Am usually cheery and great guy but not in love with anything here so far but still hoping.

[sbella02]

Hi Lonleylifetraveller,

Firstly, a big warm welcome to Australia, we're glad to have you! Secondly, thank you for sharing your experience, and I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this.

Please remember that extra support is always here for you to talk things through when it's getting too much- including from our BB Support Service (1300 22 4636), our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). These services are here for you 24/7 to use as often as you need, and we'd urge you to reach out and get the support that you deserve through this difficult time.

A good place to start, if you're feeling comfortable, is to maybe visit a new psychologist, see a therapist or even a GP, and talk more about your experiences and what you're feeling.

While I was born here in Australia, I have known people throughout my life who've moved here from overseas, and have watched how they've coped with different aspects of adjusting to life here. Usually, you can find specific Facebook groups for people living in the state that you've moved to. It's a good way to find people who share common interests and perhaps, experiences.

What are your hobbies? You can search the Internet for clubs that you could join relating to your interests, they may be a good outlet for you as well as introducing you to other likeminded people. You may also find that volunteering can be a great way to meet people as well. People who volunteer are, in my experience, among the kindest and most understanding people you'll ever meet.

With regards to your job, I'm so sorry to hear about your misfortunes with finding work. As much as it may be frustrating, you might find it useful to start with a position that isn't managerial, then work your way up to a higher position. Depending on which aspect of finding a job you feel you need the most help with, it may also be useful to talk to a careers counsellor or a health professional (psychologist, GP, etc.) about interview strategies or good places to find a job in your chosen field, for example.

Have you talked to your partner about your feelings? Does your partner have any friend circles that you could potentially join? Do they have any advice for you with regards to moving to a new place?

I wish you health and happiness during this time, and hope that you find your feet in Australia. Feel free to use these forums more if you have any more questions, or want to chat some more.

Kind regards, SB

[jsm1974]

Hi Lonelylifetraveller,

I can completely related to how you feel. I have lived in Sydney for 18 years and have not managed to find a single person who I consider a friend. It can be difficult to become part of social circles as it seems everyone has a shared history (people here don't seem to move around much), which alienates immigrants like us. I'm sure part of the problem is just my own social awkwardness, but you and I are not the only ones who complain about this.

I can't say I have any practical advice, as I'm dealing with many of the same issues, but I thought it would be good for you to know that you're not alone.

[Lonelylifetraveller]

Thanks for the kind words SB.

I have a very strong mindset and have always been able to cope through even the most horrendous situations of life. I very rarely stress and launch into anxiety mode and usually I am the one giving life and guidance advise to all my friends. I guess that is why I feel a little out of myself as I note that this whole experience is slowly overcoming on me and swallowing me whole.

I like the idea of Facebook groups and finding interests through there, I will start looking into this actually. As for friends I have made one real true friend here who I see as my brother and family and that is really enough. Then there are a couple of other friends that are just kind and okay friends and great to have for most things but not part of my real life journey as they are emotionally not open or on the same level as myself.

Thank you for the advise on work. I think the problem is at near age 40 that I am unfortunately not willing to settle for a lesser position anymore after working very hard for years and having a steady career back home. I have the credentials, the mindset, the experience and the wit to lead teams and organizations. And at this age one has to consider the age, the pay and where one is in life and so on. It is okay though, I have managed to build up my own business the past year and I am doing fine, not really doing anything I imagined I would be before coming here, but hey it brings in the money and gives independence.

I think in all this has just been one crazy adjustment on top of several other adjustments the past years. That has probably spiralled into the mindset where I am right now. I am trying to look at it from a different perspective and turn my thinking over as there is no point in focusing solely on the negative aspects alone. This helps. I was always thought nothing in life comes free or easy and honestly the mindset is there to get through the struggle one way or another. Unfortunately I met some wrong people initially here that coloured my path the wrong way but I have slowly tried to adjust my path so that I can avoid any of these people and further frustrations.

[The_Bro]

Hi there Lonelylifetraveller and thanks for reaching out to the forums again. Oh and 'Gidday Mate!'

I thought I would relate to you what I have seen on 3-4 occasions where northern Europeans have found difficulties settling into Australia.

Regardless of credentials, mindset and experience, it can take some time to adapt to the unique Australian 'culture', which can be quite cruel at times.

My wife is northern European and agrees that generally, they are very efficient, reliable, they like order, but can also be perhaps a little 'rigid'. (Just like her!)

The Australian culture is more 'Matey' and functions on values that can be pretty archaic, old school, and even resistant to 'Foreigners'. This can create your situation where to use your words, you feel 'Excluded from Society'.

Now all this sounds a bit confronting I know and I apologise for that.

It is fantastic to hear that you have now built your own business and seem to making some adjustment to our lifestyle and unique values.

It will take time, but once you feel more comfortable with the way Australian society works, you will appreciate it, settle into it, and even be able to use your 'Foreign Guy' label as an advantage!

Good luck with your progression - I hope these thoughts have helped just a little.

Come back any time if you wish.

Regards, The Bro.

[Lonelylifetraveller]

Hey there jsm1974.

I totally hear you. I don't think it is as much that people share a history together with established friends (I mean I do that too back home with all my friends) but I think it's just as a society we've moved into a void where people just tend not to let other close to them anymore. It is very hard to find a person you can truly connect with and be so close friends you can share the joy and pain together and have a friendship where they will genuinly listen.

I will give an example of friends that I have met since day one in Australia and what I thought was a close friendship forming was actually the opposite when I really wanted any support at all from them. Turns out they only wanted friends who were fun and could constantly feed them something positive and fun, as soon as I hit a rough patch and wasn't up for it or explained that I just had a rough time and had a week with horrible experiences, they would literally start looking at the watch to get out. No support, no understanding, rather they would change the subject to discuss shopping or something totally stupid. I don't use my friends as my shrinks but I think in a real friendship people will accept if someone is having a rough week and offer some support. This is what is very hard to come by these days anymore.

I think people want friends in their circle only to feed them fun and laughs.....life is not 100% fun and laughs unfortunately and the "friendship" turns this way into a dark bizarre comedy...

[Lonelylifetraveller]

Hey there Bro!

And thanks for taking the time to respond.

Makes sense in a way what you are saying. Australian culture is veeeeery different from any other, and I don't necessarily mean that in a bad way. But it can be very hard to accommodate as a foreigner some times and get under the skin of this culture.

I am shifting my perspective as of lately to make myself feel better adjusted here. Instead of trying to "fit in" or be part of the culture, I just do my own thing instead. I go about my own ways and follow what my life has taught me for the past 38 years. After all I can't expect Aussies to change for me their culture as much as I can't change my inert learned behaviours from life in Europe over 30+ years. For better or worse these both will have to coexist whether they work together or not=)

Instead of trying to fit in, I just wear the oversized clothing with the result it is! 😃

[The_Bro]

Good onya Lonelylifetraveller!

To me, what you are practising is self respect and celebrating your difference instead of fighting it.

Australians who recognise that will come through and you will end up with a fantastic set of colleagues and friends who have great multi cultural values at heart.

Onwards and upwards!

The Bro