Its one of those nights again, im sitting alone in bed in tears asking myself when was the last time I smiled or felt something other than this numbness and the truth is I honestly dont know but I know havent even laughed in years. I havent felt love or any sense of worth in what seems like forever.
Im in a relationship that I feel more disconnected from now then I ever have in our 8 years together. We do nothing but move backwards, we are in the same place we were 8 years ago except all attempts of communication, intimacy and affection are gone. All i have is happiness in my dreams, in made up situations with strangers there for me where no one else is.
I have a family that doesnt care to see me in years let alone say hi or happy birthday. They have all left me to live elsewhere without looking back just like those I use to call my friends. The ones I use to message all the time with promises of catching up And yet I dont receive so much as a reply. I never thought Id be the girl with not 1 single friend in the world. I dont understand how I ever got here because I would and have given anything and everything to those I love and even to strangers in the hope that they could one day be there for me. They never were.
I thought that starting a new job would make this all go away and while I love my job, I am again immediately ignored and disregarded by those I try to befriend with a friendly smile or hello. What is it about me that makes me so unapproachable, so difficult to love or even so much as aknowledge..
The only thing that used to work was weed but I have quit that for a long time now in the hope that it would make me stronger, make the bad things go away.. months later it only ever gets worse but the reality is that no drug can fix the pain I've felt for over 15 years, bandaids never fox our hurting.
Talking to a councillor doesn't work, even they dont seem to care to listen, nothing they've ever said has helped. No one will ever understand how the world disregards me.
While things for me will never change, maybe venting lifes problems here will help me feel something even if its just for a moment.
Wishing that i'll find something worth living for one day because I dont know how much longer wishing and hoping can go on.
