Unexpected Break Up - Advice

[SallyLouise92]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading alot of the forums and they all seem similar to my case. I've been away for six weeks, my boyfriend with Depression and Anxiety was supportive because I had booked the trip before meeting him. We spoke everyday, texting all day, phone calls through out the day. Telling me that he feels empty without me days before I arrived back home. Felt like nothing was wrong. Only difference was he had an episode a few weeks before, cancelling all psych appts and medical appts, not going to work, not studying, not going to the gym, he had no motivation. We planned to sort through all these things together, he told me he needed my help and couldnt wait until I was home.

Two days after being home, with again no real cause of concern, he dumped me. Said he doesnt feel the same way about me, had been feeling it for weeks. He blamed the break up on my neediness and insecutiries, and suggested I try and find myself. He discounted our relationship by saying it wasnt that long, however days before telling me how happy I make him. The man who broke up with me, wasnt the man I got to know for the past six months. The break up has completely taken me surprise and I am devastated.

Any advice on the situation would be greatly apprecaited.

[Croix]

Dear SallyLouise92~

Welcome to the forum. This must have been a devastating thing to happen to you and I'd expect you wondering if it is a real breakup , or the result of his depression and anxiety.

First let me say that when my depression, anxiety and other problems were at their worst I was sort of isolated from myself. I had no understanding. I could not tell if loved anyone, or even if I was capable of love. My motivations were basically to isolate myself and simply sit, not having contact with anyone.

The second thing is a short while ago he abandoned all his treatment, stopped work, study and exercise. This I would think shows his condition might have deteriorated, and that by stopping all the productive parts of his life he would be making matters worse. Particularly if he stopped medication unsupervised.

He seem to have manged to isolate himself pretty thoroughly.

Seen in this context it might be the breakup is a continuation of abandoning positive parts of his life, not a genuine want to terminate your relationship.

This is of course a guess, however it is a possibility.

The obvious thing for him to do is to restart his medical treatment, the hard part is getting him to want to do that -do you have any ideas? If you are not able to get him to return to is doctor is the anyone else you can think of he might listen to?

As for the effect on you, to be told, even by someone who may be ill, that it is your fault the relationship ended is a huge thing to try to deal with. It is so easy to doubt yourself.

Do you have any support? Family member or freind you can discuss things with frankly and not feel alone. Another person's perspective can be a real help.

I do hope you come back and talk more

Croix

[SallyLouise92]

Hi Croix,

Thank you so much for your response to my post. It's given me a bit more insight into possibly what's going on with him. You're so right, I'm thinking is this genuine or a result of his D&A. The break up totally blindsided me. I never thought he would do that considering how excited and ready he was for me to come home from my holiday.

It might be worth mentioning, that after his week of being really down (the worst he's been since being together), he went on a big drug and alcohol bender. Which made him incredibly anxious and negative for the whole week before I was meant to come home. He was telling me he's a loser with nothing, still lives with his parents, hates his brain and has nothing to offer, as well as impotence issues. I reassured him that he is not at all a loser, but there's a lot to love about his brain, and when I get back we will tackle each issue he has one at a time, trying to be as supportive as I can. Get him back in the gym, rebook his appts and financially plan, I needed to do these things myself, so I was so keen for us to do this together. He would tell me he needs my help, and again how much he wants me to home. Also how much I've helped with his D&A.

Everything was totally fine when I arrived home, we were laughing, cuddling and enjoying each others company. It wasn't until I mentioned getting a start of the list that he started to shutdown. And the break up was happening before i knew it. Telling me doesn't feel the same way anymore about me, he doesn't see a future in us, and my neediness and insecurities had turned him off. Unfortunately we've argued because of my insecurities, but he assured me he'll help me through them and it's not enough to break us. As for neediness, I was the biggest supporter of him seeing friends, taking time out to study and look after himself. He'd always tell me I'm awesome. I had no reason to think he was unhappy or didn't have feelings for me, he was the perfect boyfriend moments before. He has a history of not thinking things through, and making incredibly rash decisions.

It frightens me how he's going to deal with his mental health, he has people around him, but no one who will really stop to see if he's ok. He doesn't have that open relationship with his friends and family. I don't think he'll accept my help, he wants to do it alone.

Thank you for your advice Croix! It's helping understand this situation so much better, as painful as it is.

[Croix]

Dear SallyLouise92~

Your freind certainly has gone down the wrong path , cutting out all the therapy and healthy activities and substituting drugs and alcohol.

The fact he was pleased to see you is heartening and maybe it was simply the mention of reverting to his proper regime that made him want to distance himself from you. Perhaps the words he used were just excuses.

What do you think you'd like to do, maintain a separation or try to get closer? You are obviously still concerned about him.

I can imagine the idea of returning to work, psych, doctor and all after cutting them off is a pretty daunting idea and he may have simply shied away from it.

What is your impression?

If this is the case perhaps it might be able to wean him back starting with the easiest or most difficult task first.

While the easiest (probably the gym?) might be less taxing than doing the most difficult first (return to work?) it might make everything else seem easier afterwards. I dunno, you would have a better idea of what is practical.

Croix

[SallyLouise92]

Hi Croix,

Your advice is so calming, Thankyou for taking the time to respond.

I definitely agree with you, I don’t think he means his words and is using them to push me away. Using them to avoid what he has to do. The day after the break up I also had a job interview, one that will offer better money and help reach my goals of buying a house. I definitely think this spooked him because he did the same thing when I was going for a job interview a few months ago and he was coming out of a mental health facility. Completely cut me off, because it was time for him to face reality but I was on the right path reaching my goals. Is this a possible reason too for his unexpected behavior?

I care about him so much. He’s someone I could have seen myself with for a really long time. He was such a good man to me. He had his struggles but I was happy and willing to support him.

For now, I want to maintain separation purely for the total disrespect he had for me and our relationship. Maybe in a few weeks I might reach out but I’m terrified he’d been seeing someone else by this point. And reject me further.

I thought I did have a good idea of what my ex was about, but now I’m really struggling to think of ways to help him. I think for now I have to help myself and do my best to forget him and move on as painful as that it.

Thankyou Croix for listening, it’s helping so much.