Two years and it's still here.

[PancakeCat]

So, I posted two years ago, almost to the day.

As I tend to I have continually pushed myself to achieve, succeed etc, and I have. I have entered a new industry, one I love and achieved a great deal in approximately 18 months. I'm quite proud of myself in that regard while remaining grounded in the understanding I have allot to learn still.

Despite my achievements, friendships made etc I still have an ever present depression. Over the last two years I tried 3 more psychs, sincerely dissappointed in them, most so in the last, evidently money motivated and had little desire to explore how I feel, more so wanted to push meds and be done with it.

Speaking of meds I tried another two over extended periods of time with no positive results.

I am proud of what I do, what I can do and what I've achieved. I am very aware of the traits of bipolar disorder that present in me feom time to time and manage them accordingly. I'd say I'm fairly lucky to have a good grasp of it all and be well functioning.

Deapite this apparent hold on how severely my mental health affects my life professionally. I genuinely feel like I have degraded personally. I have become more withdrawn, have begun hiding myself from others due to dysphoria (I'm a trans woman) to the extent that I avoid my wife seeing me topless or naked and attempt to cover up as much as possible outside of my house. Depression from bipolar disorder seems to have established even further as a constant unrelenting feeling, a constant depression depriving me of feeling untainted happiness

[Doolhof]

Hi PancakeCat,

I've had a couple of psychologist tell me to accept my depression and to not fight it.

I thought they were crazy. Who wants to accept and embrace depression! Why would anyone want to accept that level of negativeness.

I have discovered that there is some truth in what was suggested,. By fighting my depression and not wanting it to be there, I was feeding it and making it worse. I was not able to see any hope or joy due to the darkness I was increasing around me.

On the other hand, I find it important to acknowledge what is feeding my depression nd work on ways of realising I can make choices and changes when I feel so low.

Not sure if this is helpful. I have found it beneficial to look at my depression differently.

Regards to you from Dools

[white knight]

Hi pancake cat, welcome

So, as I read it, your depression is you main ongoing problem. I've tackled this many times over my life. I'm 63yo and bipolar but was only diagnosed in 2009.

We cant mention medication too much but mood stabilzers and a small amount of AD's is the right mix for me. Depression tends to come and go just as lifes stresses do so they are sort of connected in my life. I'm thankful though I had some life changing events around 1982 when I attended a motivation speech, it changed my life from then on. Sure it wont prevent the depression downturn but it does spark the fighter in me the moment I've realised it is on its way out.!

So I've selected a few threads that might be of assistance.

This one is what changed my outlook. I'm not suggesting you need this because you seem very atuned and levelled. You only need to read the first post-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/30-minutes-can-change-your-life#qhg8V3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

This thread is that "spark" when I know depression is leaving-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation#qjLqEHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

And this thread might help with action

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical-#qnBhInHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/accepting-yourself-the-frog-and-the-scorpion#qi1Wu3HzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

I hope they help, there is thousands of threads on this forum like this.

Repost as you feel like it and thanks for coming along

TonyWK